Tuesday, July 2, 2013

My Baby is Kind of an A$$hole...

    I got a lot of great feedback from the breastfeeding post. Apparently, most people get it. They experienced it and they can commiserate. So, at the risk of sounding like I just like to bitch constantly (which is probably pretty true at the moment), I thought I'd go a little farther out on that same limb. Call CPS on me if you want. At this point it just sounds a lot like free babysitting. I'm going to be honest with people and share another little "gem" that I think rings true for most people but that just doesn't get talked about- I don't like my baby.

   There. I said it. I don't really like the kid. Not yet. I assumed birth would be this magic moment and I would get that rush of oxytocin and fall in love. I would spend hours staring at him and nuzzling his head and kissing his little face. And then he was born, which was cool because this tiny person came out of my vagina, but nothing really happened. Nothing clicked. And now, almost 3 weeks later, I still have this little person hanging around.
   Don't get me wrong, for a baby he is pretty cool. We are finally getting this nursing thing down so he is sleeping better and for 2-3 hour stretches now. He only fusses when he is hungry for the most part (he just happens to be hungry all. the. damn. time.) Overall he is pretty easy going...for a baby.   It's the baby part that's the hang up. Babies are kind of assholes. They scream at you, drink too much, puke everywhere, then pass out- like a really shitty college roommate.  He'll fall asleep at the boob, lose the nipple, then get pissed at ME because suddenly the milk is gone. Or start thrashing around with my nipple in his mouth. Or kick the living crap out of me while nursing. Or claw me with those godforsaken razor blades they call fingernails. He doesn't do anything fun or interesting yet. He smiles really cute sometimes...but usually that means he's about to shit his pants. Right now, he's just a demanding little bottomless pit. And he smells bad. Like milk and sweat (both of which are probably mine, but whatever. I KNOW I smell bad).
   Now, I know he doesn't do any of this stuff on purpose. It's just the baby thing. But that hasn't stopped me from looking up one-way plane tickets. Or fantasizing about driving off into the sunset. Or threatening to let him starve on multiple occasions. Or begging Joey to let me put him up for adoption. Honestly, the thing holding me back is usually that I will miss Joey too much. And that then he'd have to eat shitty formula (food is kind of my 'thing'). So I stay and nurse him. And then he falls asleep and looks all adorable and I figure, I can probably do this after all. And I know it will get better. It's just that...I don't really know this person yet. And save the "what did you expect/ you got yourself into this" bullshit. Yeah, I know. I knew babies would be kind of a time suck. But I don't think it's really possible to KNOW until you have one. Or at least not with the way most people talk about it. So I'm sure we will get to know each other better and then it will be all soul-gazing and fireworks. But right now he's rooting on Joey's chest, which means I'm up to bat, and I really just want to go hide in the closet.

*He really is a pretty cool baby. It's not his fault we aren't hitting it off right off the bat. It's just a mixture of a lot of things- like breastfeeding trouble, lack of sleep, and a loss of autonomy. We are just going through an adjustment period right now. But Joey is taking great care of us, and I know it's getting better. But don't think you're weird if you don't fall head over heels in love with your baby immediately. You're not. Babies are just assholes sometimes.

2 comments:

  1. I didn't bond with my baby until at least 6 weeks. He's nearly 12 yrs. now and I'm starting to like him a lot because he can have intelligent conversations and such. But for the first six weeks i only nursed him and stood around in a daze while his dad did all the diaper changing, bathing, etc. But I guess I should have expected I would eventually get attached to the little sucker because i tended to hold him most of the time when we were with other people. I didn't think of it as bonding at the time, I just don't trust people. We are a lucky generation to have the information and tools to share our real thoughts and feelings like this. The generations before us went crazy. My own mother couldn't talk about her feelings of being exhausted, overworked, and isolated... living in the country, alone with a newborn, husband working three jobs. By the time I was four they diagnosed her with post partum depression and threatened to put her in a state hospital. my mom quickly got her mind right, filed for divorce, and enrolled in graduate school. Don't listen to people who say it isn't okay to say how you feel. Babies are hard to deal with. Being a mom is hard. I don't know you but I'm proud of you for being honest. You might save someone else's life with your blog.

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    1. Thank you so much for your comment. My experience sounds a lot like yours- my husband has done everything, I don't like the idea anyone else taking care of the baby, etc. Unfortunately for me things have gotten worse before getting better (which I will also post about once I can function), but we are starting to hit the up-swing. I really wish it was easier for women to talk about these things and there wasn't so much stigma around valid emotions. Some people may not like to hear that not all mothers are infatuated with their babies from day 1, but it's the truth and not talking about it won't change it and certainly won't help the next person!

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