No, not that D. This is a post about divorce. Before you freak out and call me (Mom....), no, Joey and I aren't getting a divorce. This is a post about divorce as an institution, nothing personal. Speaking of not taking things personally, a quick disclaimer:
I almost didn't write this because I'm sure someone out there in the world will take it the wrong way. I hate offending people and I hate the possibility that somewhere out there in the universe someone is mad at me. But what I hate more is feeling like I have no voice- that I'm constantly silencing myself for other's convenience. So in an act of self-care and therapeutic catharsis, I'm going to speak my truth. You (that is, those "you"s who feel the need to act as if everyone is living AT you) need to either kindly get the fuck over yourself or skip this post. Me sharing my thoughts and experience does not equal me judging people with different thoughts or experiences. Disagree with every word in this post? Cool. That's why we are two different people. There is no need to explain to me why my experience does not apply to you or in what situations it would be completely different or the importance of another perspective. This is my perspective; that's it. I'm not giving relationship advice or claiming to have any sort of answers. So onto the actual post...
Even though I'm not giving advice or anything, I feel like I should be upfront about my personal experiences with divorce. My parents divorced when I was a year old and I myself have been divorced. My first marriage lasted a whopping 18 months. So if you want to get psychoanalytical about things and dissect the rest of this post with that in mind, go for it. I'm not pretending that these past experiences don't have any affect on my thoughts and beliefs about the subject.
So why I am writing about divorce anyway? It's honestly pretty random. I see a variety of Facebook memes about all sorts of things and that includes divorce. I have seen a few along the lines of "Back in the day.." or "For my grandparents" attesting to how much more wonderful the institution of marriage was before divorce became more prevalent. I also see a lot of memes along the lines of "We don't throw away something broken, we fix it" and "First marriage is the only marriage". So these two types of sentiments, which I will address separately, get me thinking sometimes. Joey and I have discussed them and seem to be in agreement about the ideas in general and our own thoughts on divorce. So I'll start by addressing the two specific things I mentioned, and then also more general ideas.
"Back in the Day"
Ok, so yeah, there used to be less divorce. But that doesn't mean that divorce is inherently bad AND more importantly, that doesn't mean marriages were necessarily better. There were women who were stuck in horribly abusive relationships, children stuck in abusive or otherwise unhealthy families, and families of people who were absolutely miserable. Are there people who overuse divorce or don't take marriage seriously? Well yeah, but why do you care? My thoughts on divorce are similar to those on abortion- if you don't like it, don't get one.
"Don't give up, just fix it!"
I am by no means advocating that you not put time and effort into marriage. It is super hard sometimes and that means putting in 110% and pushing the boulder up hill and all those other metaphors. I get that. But you know how on Hoarders, half of the house is full of broken junk and every time the host is like "Hey, how about you throw out this broken thing?" the Hoarder always responds with "But I can fix it!!!!!"....? Yeah, my feelings are kind of like that. Sure, you can hypothetically fix whatever. You can painstakingly super glue a shattered windshield back together piece by piece if you really want to. Or melt it down and reform it, even. The point is- we all know damn well that Hoarder isn't going to fix shit. Having the potential to fix something doesn't mean it's going to get fixed and there is a good chance you could just spend your entire life lugging around broken trash. I think some people can legitimately recognize when they are delaying the inevitable and just need to let something go. And I don't think that is a bad thing.
So another general thing that I have noticed is the fact that divorce is still very much a taboo. Liz Taylor and other celebrities aside, we still have a lot of socio-cultural baggage surrounding divorce. This really hits home for me in the number of relationship help columns, books, and articles (as well as some personal accounts) that state simply uttering the word 'divorce' is bad for a marriage. The "it can never be taken back" superstition around the word divorce is slightly confusing to me. I mean, I get that for some people (for either religious of philosophical reasons), they don't consider divorce an option. But if leaving isn't an option, then staying isn't either.
Which brings me to Joey and I's general agreement about divorce and it's place in our marriage (interesting concept, huh?). We most certainly want divorce to be an option. We want it to have a place in our discussions about our relationship and our family. We recognize that for some people, having separate parents creates a healthier overall family. And we acknowledge that we don't want the other person to be miserable. Neither of us hold any particular religious or philosophical beliefs that would preclude divorce. Finally, we want to know that if we are in this, if we are still together, it is because we absolutely without a shadow of a doubt want to be. Not because we feel guilty about leaving or because we are scared of what people will say. So we talk about divorce a lot. When we are having rough spots in our marriage (which is a lot now that Perrin is here), we talk about it. Do you think it would be better if we had time apart? Do we need space? Are we at the end of this road? Do we need to rethink our family and relationship? And so far, the answers have been decidedly, No. We like where we are at. It is hard. It sucks sometimes. But we still both want to be here. But if one of us ever answers yes, it will be in a safe place. Because there is an understanding that we are both open and committed to whatever family arrangement is best for all three of us. And sometimes that includes divorce. And that can be okay. And that we are willing to sacrifice our marriage for our family and our relationship. I am thankful for that.
So when I see some of those memes with those cute little quips about divorce and the sanctity of marriage, I smile- because I know that divorce has a place in our marriage. And I know that that statement probably horrifies some people. But for Joey and I, it brings us comfort. Because we want to be stuck together. And we want to want it.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Boxes and Babies Don't Mix
Perrin and I are big fans of the public library story times around town. We go pretty regularly. There is this one song they sing where they give all the kids little musical shakers to shake along during the chorus. It's annoying and gets stuck in your head for days, but they kids love it. And then when the song is over, all the kids go and put their shakers back in the box. At least, you hope they do. The story time lady always says it's okay if they hang onto it, but all the parents secretly hope that their kid will politely follow directions and put the shaker back in the box. Now, this is technically 18 month- 4 year story time, so Perrin is a little young. The other kids have an advantage when it comes to direction following and general compliance. But he's generally good at imitating, so when all the other kids go up to the front to put their shakers in the box, he will usually follow along. So the other day after the shaker song, Perrin follows the herd of toddlers up to the box and drops his shaker in. I'm clapping and cheering for him from the back of the room because I am totally "that" mom. But as everyone is returning to their spots on the floor, Perrin nonchalantly picks up the entire box of shakers that everyone just spent 10 minutes cheering and clapping and mind-medling their toddlers into giving up and dumps that shit out on the floor.
And then I realized this is a metaphor. The above did happen, but it symbolized a lot more to me than my 15 month old's love for noisy toys. Babies don't get boxes. They just don't. They don't understand the adult compulsion to contain and compartmentalize. Just spent 3 hours separating the train tracks from the building blocks? Fuck it. Alphabet blocks all up in your Brio set! Alphabetized the story books? Bahahaha.....
And it's not just the children as individuals- childhood, and therefore parenthood do not respect boxes and boundaries either. So why do we see so many things trying to force us into these narrow contraptions? Articles on how to balance work and home. Being a wife and being a mother. Taking care of the home and taking care of the children. Heck, taking care of the children and taking care of ourselves. Alone time versus family time. None of these things are concrete ideas or categories. You can't just chip off a piece of yourself and put it in a box with a nice neat label. They aren't discrete receptacles of our being that we have to measure and calibrate. A little more here does not necessarily mean a little less there. It's all part of life, and life is messy. Life is especially messy with children. That's just how it goes. Let's pretend all of your roles and priorities and interests are different colors. From the sound of a lot of the self-help articles floating around out there, your goal is to arrange your life into a beautiful rainbow. Fucking Roy G. Biv. Neat and orderly and sensible. But that's not how it works. Because real life in throwing all of those colors into a blender and accidentally flipping the switch before you put a lid on it. Brown. Life is brown. Beautiful, glorious, unpredictable, brown that everyone else thinks is gross and kind of looks like poop (and let's face it, there's a chance it's poop), but that you love and appreciate just as much as your toddler the first time they figured out they can mash all the Play Dough colors together. But you know what colors you mashed in there. You can appreciate the flecks of purple and red and indigo that are floating around in your brown messy life.
For a while I felt bad because my week wasn't scheduled. There weren't distinct hours of me time or family time or couples time. My roles in my life weren't distinct and wife Rox bled into Mommy Rox and Daughter Rox and Chicken keeper Rox. I didn't always have a plan and there aren't enough lists and spreadsheets in the world to make me feel like I actually know what the hell I'm doing at any given moment. But that's ok. Forest, people. Look for the forest. And forests would be much more ugly and much less magical if all the trees were arranged by height and species. This is why parenthood is simultaneously beautiful and terrifying- because the messy, blended, scattered kaleidoscope of your life just wouldn't be the same sorted out tucked away into a pretty box on the shelf. And that's hard, especially for people like me who hold on to patterns and order. But that's why the universe gave me Perrin- to dump out all my boxes.
And then I realized this is a metaphor. The above did happen, but it symbolized a lot more to me than my 15 month old's love for noisy toys. Babies don't get boxes. They just don't. They don't understand the adult compulsion to contain and compartmentalize. Just spent 3 hours separating the train tracks from the building blocks? Fuck it. Alphabet blocks all up in your Brio set! Alphabetized the story books? Bahahaha.....
And it's not just the children as individuals- childhood, and therefore parenthood do not respect boxes and boundaries either. So why do we see so many things trying to force us into these narrow contraptions? Articles on how to balance work and home. Being a wife and being a mother. Taking care of the home and taking care of the children. Heck, taking care of the children and taking care of ourselves. Alone time versus family time. None of these things are concrete ideas or categories. You can't just chip off a piece of yourself and put it in a box with a nice neat label. They aren't discrete receptacles of our being that we have to measure and calibrate. A little more here does not necessarily mean a little less there. It's all part of life, and life is messy. Life is especially messy with children. That's just how it goes. Let's pretend all of your roles and priorities and interests are different colors. From the sound of a lot of the self-help articles floating around out there, your goal is to arrange your life into a beautiful rainbow. Fucking Roy G. Biv. Neat and orderly and sensible. But that's not how it works. Because real life in throwing all of those colors into a blender and accidentally flipping the switch before you put a lid on it. Brown. Life is brown. Beautiful, glorious, unpredictable, brown that everyone else thinks is gross and kind of looks like poop (and let's face it, there's a chance it's poop), but that you love and appreciate just as much as your toddler the first time they figured out they can mash all the Play Dough colors together. But you know what colors you mashed in there. You can appreciate the flecks of purple and red and indigo that are floating around in your brown messy life.
For a while I felt bad because my week wasn't scheduled. There weren't distinct hours of me time or family time or couples time. My roles in my life weren't distinct and wife Rox bled into Mommy Rox and Daughter Rox and Chicken keeper Rox. I didn't always have a plan and there aren't enough lists and spreadsheets in the world to make me feel like I actually know what the hell I'm doing at any given moment. But that's ok. Forest, people. Look for the forest. And forests would be much more ugly and much less magical if all the trees were arranged by height and species. This is why parenthood is simultaneously beautiful and terrifying- because the messy, blended, scattered kaleidoscope of your life just wouldn't be the same sorted out tucked away into a pretty box on the shelf. And that's hard, especially for people like me who hold on to patterns and order. But that's why the universe gave me Perrin- to dump out all my boxes.
Friday, August 1, 2014
Stop Marathoning At Me
You know who you are. You who post pictures of yourself in your running shorts with your gold medal and the little paper number pinned to your shirt. So what? You ran a marathon! You don't have to be so judgmental about it. Just because I never ran a marathon doesn't make me a bad person , you know. I could have run a marathon if I had wanted to, but I didn't want to. I actually had a friend who wanted to run a marathon, but she would have DIED had the doctors not told her she couldn't run a marathon! Have you thought about that? Or what about all the people in the world who can't run marathons? Some people don't have legs! You should really think about these things before bragging to everyone and showing off your stupid medal. Who cares if you worked really hard for it. Who cares if it is something that means a lot to you. Who cares if it was the coolest moment in your life. Obviously the only reason you are posting your finish line pictures is to make all of us non-runners feel like shitty horrible human beings. Maybe that's why you run in the first place! It's all just some grand ploy to show everyone else that you're better than them. It has nothing to do with your health or enjoyment or the fact that it means something to you on a personal level. It's all about making ME feel bad.
Because really, everything is about ME. My insecurities and apprehensions and regrets and guilt. And instead of accepting my truth and finding pride in my own situation (I actually made it to yoga class this week! I am badass!) I would rather lash out at you for being different. In fact, I'm going to accuse you of being judgmental while I assign arbitrary intention to your actions and words and then judge you on it. Because I'm scared to lift you up, because I'm not comfortable enough with my position in the world. So I'd rather tear you down.
See what you made me do? You and your stupid marathon running turned me into a petty angry person. Obviously you are the problem here. The only possible solution is for you to stop being so fulfilled by your marathon experience. Or at the very least, pretend like you aren't. Stop talking about endorphins and runner's highs. From now on, just tell people about the shin splints and chaffing and all the horrible stuff. That way those of us who don't run can sit back and say "See!? Why would anyone want to run a marathon? That is so dumb. Obviously they are just doing it for attention." And the next generation of people can continue this cycle and never ever have meaningful conversations about all the different exercise options and how to find what is right for you and honor other people's journeys. Instead, we can all just sit back and hate on you for your running all those marathons at us.
*In case the metaphor escaped you, just go back and reread replacing "marathon" and "running" with "natural birth" or "breastfeeding". There ya go. *
Because really, everything is about ME. My insecurities and apprehensions and regrets and guilt. And instead of accepting my truth and finding pride in my own situation (I actually made it to yoga class this week! I am badass!) I would rather lash out at you for being different. In fact, I'm going to accuse you of being judgmental while I assign arbitrary intention to your actions and words and then judge you on it. Because I'm scared to lift you up, because I'm not comfortable enough with my position in the world. So I'd rather tear you down.
See what you made me do? You and your stupid marathon running turned me into a petty angry person. Obviously you are the problem here. The only possible solution is for you to stop being so fulfilled by your marathon experience. Or at the very least, pretend like you aren't. Stop talking about endorphins and runner's highs. From now on, just tell people about the shin splints and chaffing and all the horrible stuff. That way those of us who don't run can sit back and say "See!? Why would anyone want to run a marathon? That is so dumb. Obviously they are just doing it for attention." And the next generation of people can continue this cycle and never ever have meaningful conversations about all the different exercise options and how to find what is right for you and honor other people's journeys. Instead, we can all just sit back and hate on you for your running all those marathons at us.
*In case the metaphor escaped you, just go back and reread replacing "marathon" and "running" with "natural birth" or "breastfeeding". There ya go. *
Sunday, July 27, 2014
Punching PPD in the Throat
Well, that's what I feel like I'm doing anyway. I think I've turned a corner. The past few weeks have been different. I've still been feeling my normal levels of anxiety and irritability, but something has changed. I'm sick of being sick. I'm tired of worrying about my moods and medication and coping skills. I'm just over it. My counselor thinks that is a pretty big step. I'm ready to move on with my life and close this chapter on PPD. I'm also ready to be done with this medication and all the lovely side effects- headaches, insomnia, and eczema. I'm also sick of being told to take Ibuprofen for my head, cortisone cream for my eczema, etc. So I recently took two big steps- I got a new general doctor and a new psychiatrist.
My new doctor's concentration is in naturopathy and it was a complete breath of fresh air. Our appointment lasted an hour and a half and most of it was me sitting in an armchair chatting with her and discussing different aspects of my lifestyle and health history. At the end of it all, she suggested I look into at least lowering my SSRI dosage to see if it would help with any of the side effects. She also suggested some simple lifestyle changes that I should have been doing all along, but somehow just never thought about. I now try to eat much more regularly throughout the day to avoid blood sugar fluctuations. I also am much more aware of my protein and fatty acid intake and have added a fish oil supplement. I've cut back on caffeine, especially later in the day.
My new psychiatrist has also been very helpful. She suggested weaning off my SSRI completely. She gave me the choice of either weaning off the SSRI and going med-free, or crossing over to Wellbutrin. Even though Wellbutrin isn't necessarily contraindicated for breastfeeding, it is an L3 medication, so I opted to try going med free first. I feel comfortable with that decision at this point in time. If any of my PPD/PPA recurs, I can always add in the Wellbutrin later. So far I have weaned down to half my original dosage and I should be completely med free by mid-August. The adjustment has made me feel a little sleepy and sometimes jittery, but so far my mood seems to be holding pretty steady.
I hope all of these new events mean I am "cured" and well on my way back to good health. I am excited about no loner having to worry about the depression and anxiety. I just hope I can get back to where I was pre-Perrin. That is my new goal. But I am also realistic and know that it could still be a long way out. But at least it seems like things are moving forward after quite a long lull.
My new doctor's concentration is in naturopathy and it was a complete breath of fresh air. Our appointment lasted an hour and a half and most of it was me sitting in an armchair chatting with her and discussing different aspects of my lifestyle and health history. At the end of it all, she suggested I look into at least lowering my SSRI dosage to see if it would help with any of the side effects. She also suggested some simple lifestyle changes that I should have been doing all along, but somehow just never thought about. I now try to eat much more regularly throughout the day to avoid blood sugar fluctuations. I also am much more aware of my protein and fatty acid intake and have added a fish oil supplement. I've cut back on caffeine, especially later in the day.
My new psychiatrist has also been very helpful. She suggested weaning off my SSRI completely. She gave me the choice of either weaning off the SSRI and going med-free, or crossing over to Wellbutrin. Even though Wellbutrin isn't necessarily contraindicated for breastfeeding, it is an L3 medication, so I opted to try going med free first. I feel comfortable with that decision at this point in time. If any of my PPD/PPA recurs, I can always add in the Wellbutrin later. So far I have weaned down to half my original dosage and I should be completely med free by mid-August. The adjustment has made me feel a little sleepy and sometimes jittery, but so far my mood seems to be holding pretty steady.
I hope all of these new events mean I am "cured" and well on my way back to good health. I am excited about no loner having to worry about the depression and anxiety. I just hope I can get back to where I was pre-Perrin. That is my new goal. But I am also realistic and know that it could still be a long way out. But at least it seems like things are moving forward after quite a long lull.
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
7 Tips for Breastfeeding Discreetly
In a funny twist of the universe, this wonderfully written article has been circulating lately which is not all that dissimilar to this post I have been working on. So, my apologies if you have had your fill of satirical breastfeeding activism.
However, nursing in public (NIP) has been getting a lot of media attention lately, so I thought I would make this nifty guide for moms whose unruly spawn refuse to only eat in the confines of their own home like decent human beings. One refrain I see over and over again in NIP discussions is "I support moms who breastfeed, but you should at least be discreet about it." Odd thing though- the would "discreet" is actually quite subjective. So what is a mom to do? How do you know if you are being discreet or not? Well, worry no more! I have made this handy little guide just for you. Or, on the flip side, if you are a person who is not breastfeeding but you are worried that the woman tending to her child in the same public space as you is being inappropriate, feel free to check her behavior against this guide to determine whether you should complain or politely calm the fuck down.
Now, please take note- you are still completely allowed to nurse INdiscreetly if you choose to. In fact, your right to do so is protected by law in almost every single state. However, if you would like to conform to cultural notions of "appropriateness", just keep these tips in mind.
What to Do
1. You can nurse with a cover, if you like and the baby likes. Up sides- you have a cover which seems to be some kind of threshold for some people. Down sides- It's hot. Babies are wiggly. Latching can be hard enough without going in blind. And you don't get to look at the super cute human you worked your ass off 9 months to grow.
2. If you don't want to use a cover, you have the option of just lifting up your shirt. Upsides- This keeps the topmost part of the breast covered, which seems to be the most offensive. Unless of course it's peeking out of a v-neck, bikini top, or lace bra. Downsides- I found out the hard way that the pressure of the shirt on top of your breast can really send an overactive letdown out of control. Use with caution.
3. If you have experienced the aforementioned overactive letdown issues or simply don't like pulling your shirt up, you can always use the pull down method. Simply take your breast out over the top of your shirt. Upsides- easy access. Downsides- Depending on the cut of your shirt, this can be difficult. When Perrin was itty-bitty and I was super engorged, I used a variation of this where I would also slip the strap of my tank top of my shoulder completely in order to get my ginormous boob out.
Seems simple, right? BUT WAIT! While you are employing all of these awesome tips, make sure you are also avoiding the following behaviors.
What NOT to Do
5. It's cool if you want to NIP, but you don't have to be all up in everyone's face about it.
7. Don't be an exhibitionist.
However, nursing in public (NIP) has been getting a lot of media attention lately, so I thought I would make this nifty guide for moms whose unruly spawn refuse to only eat in the confines of their own home like decent human beings. One refrain I see over and over again in NIP discussions is "I support moms who breastfeed, but you should at least be discreet about it." Odd thing though- the would "discreet" is actually quite subjective. So what is a mom to do? How do you know if you are being discreet or not? Well, worry no more! I have made this handy little guide just for you. Or, on the flip side, if you are a person who is not breastfeeding but you are worried that the woman tending to her child in the same public space as you is being inappropriate, feel free to check her behavior against this guide to determine whether you should complain or politely calm the fuck down.
Now, please take note- you are still completely allowed to nurse INdiscreetly if you choose to. In fact, your right to do so is protected by law in almost every single state. However, if you would like to conform to cultural notions of "appropriateness", just keep these tips in mind.
What to Do
1. You can nurse with a cover, if you like and the baby likes. Up sides- you have a cover which seems to be some kind of threshold for some people. Down sides- It's hot. Babies are wiggly. Latching can be hard enough without going in blind. And you don't get to look at the super cute human you worked your ass off 9 months to grow.
I mean, it's only 106 F today. They weren't joking when they said modest is hottest!
Stop struggling and have some respect for others, sheesh!
2. If you don't want to use a cover, you have the option of just lifting up your shirt. Upsides- This keeps the topmost part of the breast covered, which seems to be the most offensive. Unless of course it's peeking out of a v-neck, bikini top, or lace bra. Downsides- I found out the hard way that the pressure of the shirt on top of your breast can really send an overactive letdown out of control. Use with caution.
3. If you have experienced the aforementioned overactive letdown issues or simply don't like pulling your shirt up, you can always use the pull down method. Simply take your breast out over the top of your shirt. Upsides- easy access. Downsides- Depending on the cut of your shirt, this can be difficult. When Perrin was itty-bitty and I was super engorged, I used a variation of this where I would also slip the strap of my tank top of my shoulder completely in order to get my ginormous boob out.
4. When nursing in close proximity to others, just makes sure they are able to look in any other direction just in case they don't want to look directly at your beautiful cherub (psh, as if). Upsides- this is pretty much always possible. Downsides- It may be difficult if you are sitting directly across from an individual in an orthopedic halo whose eyelids are either missing or propped open and who does not have enough muscle control to move their eyeballs.
This man is being 0% affected by the baby eating next to him.
Seems simple, right? BUT WAIT! While you are employing all of these awesome tips, make sure you are also avoiding the following behaviors.
What NOT to Do
5. It's cool if you want to NIP, but you don't have to be all up in everyone's face about it.
6. Try to make sure you aren't just looking for attention.
7. Don't be an exhibitionist.
So there you have it. As long as you avoid those three behaviors, you qualify as a perfectly decent and discreet breastfeeder! Nurse on, mamas!
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Our Rebirth Ceremony
Rebirth ceremonies can hold many different meanings for different people. Often times, a rebirth ceremony is chance for a mother to heal after a traumatic birth experience or even a fulfilling birth experience that didn't go as expected. Sometimes the birth itself was wonderful but the baby had a hard start, such as a NICU stay. Or some people just like to celebrate the most amazing day of their life by doing it all over again! The ceremony can be as long and drawn out as you want it to be, or simple and sweet. A lot of people like to incorporate a bath since the water represents the baby's life in the womb. Some include prayer or meditation. It's really up to you.
Our birth went wonderfully, but I was very tired from the long labor and felt like I wasn't all "there" for those first few moments with Perrin. I also suffered from severe post-partum depression, so those first few weeks were especially rough. So to celebrate Perrin's birthday, I wanted a do-over, a fresh start. Joey suggested going around town to the different places we visited while in labor. We didn't go to every single place, but we hit the big ones and reminisced about those few days that led up to Perrin. For dinner, we made eggs and toast- the same meal that the midwives prepared for us after Perrin was born. Then Perrin and I shared a special bath. I filled the tub with warm water, bath salts, and lavender oil and dimmed the lights and lit some candles. We snuggled in the bath and nursed while I talked to him about our past year together. I told him his birth story, laid him back in the water in my arms, then pulled him up onto my chest just like when he was born. By that time he had had enough of pomp and circumstance and wanted to play, so Joey came in and sat with us while Perrin played and splashed and snuggled some more. After the bath was done, we all went and cuddled in bed. The whole thing was barely half an hour. But it was a nice way to reflect on Perrin's first year and commemorate the event of his birth.
Our birth went wonderfully, but I was very tired from the long labor and felt like I wasn't all "there" for those first few moments with Perrin. I also suffered from severe post-partum depression, so those first few weeks were especially rough. So to celebrate Perrin's birthday, I wanted a do-over, a fresh start. Joey suggested going around town to the different places we visited while in labor. We didn't go to every single place, but we hit the big ones and reminisced about those few days that led up to Perrin. For dinner, we made eggs and toast- the same meal that the midwives prepared for us after Perrin was born. Then Perrin and I shared a special bath. I filled the tub with warm water, bath salts, and lavender oil and dimmed the lights and lit some candles. We snuggled in the bath and nursed while I talked to him about our past year together. I told him his birth story, laid him back in the water in my arms, then pulled him up onto my chest just like when he was born. By that time he had had enough of pomp and circumstance and wanted to play, so Joey came in and sat with us while Perrin played and splashed and snuggled some more. After the bath was done, we all went and cuddled in bed. The whole thing was barely half an hour. But it was a nice way to reflect on Perrin's first year and commemorate the event of his birth.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
Happy Birthday Perrin
Today Perrin turns one year old. We made it! We all survived! We may have barely stumbled across the finish line, but we finished. Only it's more of a first mile marker than a finish line. The only thing even that even remotely resembles a finish line is still 17 years away. So, what is one year old Perrin like?
Well, he's an adult portion of crazy stuck in a two year old's body with a one year old's brain development and motor skills. Imagine if you gave a kangaroo crack then set it loose in the McDonald's play place. It's slightly exhausting. I know I write a lot about the struggles of motherhood in an effort to help normalize the unromantic parenting experience. But today is not that day. Today is the day to celebrate all the stuff that doesn't suck and is actually pretty fun. So Perrin, these are the things I love about you:
- You are super affectionate. You started giving hugs and kisses around six months old and they have only gotten better. Now you'll get in our laps to snuggle and hang on to our necks so tight it's hard to breath sometimes.
-You are a really good climber and have great adventures. You are always willing to explore and take the risks and leaps that make me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. But you usually reach whatever it is you were going for and then you look back at me with a huge smile to make sure I saw you. Sometimes you don't make it, and you cry and it hurts, but all it takes is snuggles and milks and you are right back at it.
-You are incredibly social, which is strange because neither your dad or I are. You make friends easily and will play with anyone. You warm up to new places and new people quickly. You are generally pretty at ease, which makes me feel better because I worry that my anxiousness will rub off on you sometimes.
-You are INTENSE. Happy, sad, mad, excited...it's all 100% emotion. You don't hold back. You have feelings and you make them known. You are incredibly confident in yourself and never hesitate to express!
-You are the most curious baby I have ever met. You watch and observe with purpose. You explore and investigate and try new things without a second thought.
-You barely got your 4th tooth before this birthday. Your gummy smile is fading fast but I love it and miss it.
-You are still the world's worst latcher, but you nurse like a champ and your preference for nursing probably has a lot to do with us getting this far. I'm so glad you are getting so much out of our breastfeeding relationship and that you stuck through it with me even though we struggled so much at first.
-You are an adventurous eater. You love spicy foods, and sushi, and pretty much any vegetable you've ever tried. You LOVE when we get Ethiopian take out. And if you had it your way you would eat yogurt with everything.
-You like being in groups with mixed ages. You like to watch the older kids and interact with adults. We could be at the museum or zoo when it is complete chaos and you will make your way across the room, in between people's legs if need be, to do your own thing. You are so sure of your place in the world.
-You nurse less at night now. Sometimes I wake up and you aren't even touching me; you're sleeping on your own in your own space. So I scoot closer and snuggle you up.
-You are my tiny little side-kick. This has been the hardest thing to get used to- having you with me all the time, never being able to do anything on my own whim but always having to plan you into daily life. But it's also fun, because for you everything is an adventure. It's all new and exciting. And you don't need to have a plan or purpose. We can roam around or just sit in the floor with blocks all day or lay in bed and read books. We kind of rock. Some days are really rough, but then are others where I feel like we really "get" each other.
So here's to you, Perrin! Happy Birthday! I'm sorry this year has been a bit of a bumpy ride, but straight and narrow just doesn't seem to be your style. As much as I am sure it may kill me some days, I wouldn't have it any other way.
Well, he's an adult portion of crazy stuck in a two year old's body with a one year old's brain development and motor skills. Imagine if you gave a kangaroo crack then set it loose in the McDonald's play place. It's slightly exhausting. I know I write a lot about the struggles of motherhood in an effort to help normalize the unromantic parenting experience. But today is not that day. Today is the day to celebrate all the stuff that doesn't suck and is actually pretty fun. So Perrin, these are the things I love about you:
- You are super affectionate. You started giving hugs and kisses around six months old and they have only gotten better. Now you'll get in our laps to snuggle and hang on to our necks so tight it's hard to breath sometimes.
-You are a really good climber and have great adventures. You are always willing to explore and take the risks and leaps that make me feel like I'm going to have a heart attack. But you usually reach whatever it is you were going for and then you look back at me with a huge smile to make sure I saw you. Sometimes you don't make it, and you cry and it hurts, but all it takes is snuggles and milks and you are right back at it.
-You are incredibly social, which is strange because neither your dad or I are. You make friends easily and will play with anyone. You warm up to new places and new people quickly. You are generally pretty at ease, which makes me feel better because I worry that my anxiousness will rub off on you sometimes.
-You are INTENSE. Happy, sad, mad, excited...it's all 100% emotion. You don't hold back. You have feelings and you make them known. You are incredibly confident in yourself and never hesitate to express!
-You are the most curious baby I have ever met. You watch and observe with purpose. You explore and investigate and try new things without a second thought.
-You barely got your 4th tooth before this birthday. Your gummy smile is fading fast but I love it and miss it.
-You are still the world's worst latcher, but you nurse like a champ and your preference for nursing probably has a lot to do with us getting this far. I'm so glad you are getting so much out of our breastfeeding relationship and that you stuck through it with me even though we struggled so much at first.
-You are an adventurous eater. You love spicy foods, and sushi, and pretty much any vegetable you've ever tried. You LOVE when we get Ethiopian take out. And if you had it your way you would eat yogurt with everything.
-You like being in groups with mixed ages. You like to watch the older kids and interact with adults. We could be at the museum or zoo when it is complete chaos and you will make your way across the room, in between people's legs if need be, to do your own thing. You are so sure of your place in the world.
-You nurse less at night now. Sometimes I wake up and you aren't even touching me; you're sleeping on your own in your own space. So I scoot closer and snuggle you up.
-You are my tiny little side-kick. This has been the hardest thing to get used to- having you with me all the time, never being able to do anything on my own whim but always having to plan you into daily life. But it's also fun, because for you everything is an adventure. It's all new and exciting. And you don't need to have a plan or purpose. We can roam around or just sit in the floor with blocks all day or lay in bed and read books. We kind of rock. Some days are really rough, but then are others where I feel like we really "get" each other.
So here's to you, Perrin! Happy Birthday! I'm sorry this year has been a bit of a bumpy ride, but straight and narrow just doesn't seem to be your style. As much as I am sure it may kill me some days, I wouldn't have it any other way.
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