How Bathrooms Work

    I never thought I'd be able to crank out two sentences on this topic, but whatdyknow! There seems to be a lot of confusion and (misplaced) anger about Target's LGTBQ supportive restroom announcement and related legislation. Now, some of that ire seems to stem from some good ole fashion transphobia. To those individuals I would like to extend the warmest of "Fuck you"s. However, I have also seen many MANY comments along the lines of "think of the children!" "We just want to be safe!" "I'm not against trans folk, but now the PERVERTS are going to get in!". Now, this is kind of embarrassing, but....I'm not sure you understand how bathrooms work. So I'm going to explain somethings to you....

1) Nothing is actually changing, per se. You've been peeing next to trans people your whole life. Policies like Target's are to show support for LGTBQ communities and to stand in opposition of the transphobic legislation that has been passed in several states. 

2) These policies did not dismantle an invisible force field that was previously in place preventing trans people (or those perverts who we'll get to in a second) from entering a bathroom. Anyone can walk into any bathroom. I have accidentally walked into a men's room numerous times without anyone being like, "Oh hey! Wrong one!". And I wasn't even trying. Unless you were going to some super max bathrooms with bouncers checking IDs and birth certificates, the entry process is pretty much the same. 

3) Bathrooms, especially women's, generally have several individual stalls with locks on the doors. No one can actually see anyone else pee or take a dump. 

4) Bathrooms are really shitty (see what I did there?!) places to attack people. There is one entrance and exit where people come and go frequently without warning. It's a horrible place to try to do anything sketchy, from a purely strategic mindset. 

5) These perverts- I have bad news- they've always been able to go into whatever restroom they want (see #2). And they can also go all kinds of other places, like dressing rooms and malls and movie theaters and pretty much any place you may also go. But don't worry, because the odds of being sexually assaulted by a stranger are pretty low. The vast majority of assault is committed by a family member or close friend. 

6) If you demanded everyone pee in the restroom they were assigned at birth, ladies would be changing their tampons next to Michael Hughes. Please tell me how well that would go down. 

7) When you talk about the trans community and "all those perverts" in the same argument about bathrooms, you are either a) insinuating that trans people are perverts or b) saying that trans people should be humiliated and probably beaten up or at least screamed at a lot (see #6) to prevent the made up imaginary crimes by cisgendered people. Which is bullshit.

8) Literally nothing is different except that you are now aware of the fact that a transgendered person has heard you fart, and you can either be cool or be a bigoted asshole about it. 

9) Target bathrooms are no more dangerous since the policy announcement and it's absence does not make bathrooms safer. That's not how bathrooms work. They are open doors people walk through to go pee. It's not super complicated. 

10) The conversations I have overheard are almost entirely about the ladies' room, yet 1 in 6 boys experience some form of sexual assault, often perpetrated by males. The fact that boys have been sharing restrooms with grown men  without comment highlights the absurdity of these "safety" arguments. 

Some notes for people who would like to delve a little further-

Saying bathrooms are now "unisex" or that "men" can now go to the ladies room belies a complete ignorance about what it is to be transgender. I highly recommend you educate yourself. Here is a good place to start.

Let me know if I have left anything out or if you have any additional great perspectives! 

It's Personal

     By now most people know that Whole Women's Health v. Hellerstedt is being argued tomorrow. This ruling could prove to be my generation's Roe v. Wade. It could set a major precedent for abortion restrictions across the country. The decision made has the power to either move towards securing women's rights and healthcare or obliterate it.
    I've generally tried to keep pretty quiet about abortion. I have friends and family on all sides of the issue and I have been wary of stepping on anyone's toes. So I've held back from spouting off the statistics showing abortion access is an integral part of healthcare and promotes social and economic security. I haven't engaged in religious debates about what texts actually say regarding abortion. I haven't pointed out the human rights precedent of allowing women to make their own choices regarding fertility and childbearing. Don't get me wrong- I have friends, family, and coworkers who have had abortions. With one in three women having an abortion by age 45, be sure that you do to. You even go to church with them. But as dedicated as I have been to protecting the rights and experiences to those around me, I have never been overly vocal about the issue.
   That was until I really sat down and examined my experiences. And then I realized- it's personal. I am pro-choice by default, my own morality and sense of justice really doesn't allow for anything else. But it's more than that. While I have never personally had an abortion to date, there is a good chance that I may have one in the future. Joey and I are about 99% sure we are done having kids. But I'm only 28. I have at least 20 more fertile years ahead of me and even if we were able to use the most reliable forms of hormonal contraception (which I can't for medical reasons), there is still a decent chance we could end up with an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy. And the thought of that is what jarred me into cognizance. It's easy to think of abortion solely in the context of teen pregnancy, rife with drug use and multiple sexual partners- abortion as the answer to an unstable situation. But the reality is that many abortions don't meet any of those preconceptions. Abortions are sought by women who are married with children. By women who are well educated and financially stable. Once again- your neighbors, coworkers, church members. But society's stereotypes of the kind of women who seek abortions were so ingrained that it wasn't until recently that I realized that I am the type of woman who seeks an abortion. And I may be that woman one day. And despite all of my higher education, my financial stability, my rock solid marriage, and my amazing son, there are people who think that Joey and I shouldn't be able to make decisions about the number of children we will have or whether or not I should go through another pregnancy and birth. Or whether or not we should all suffer through another bout of severe postpartum depression. There are people who would take away a very personal decision between Joey and I and force us to have a child we didn't want. And that scares me.
   What scares me even more, is that after thinking about this more, I realize it's only due to sheer luck that I have never needed an abortion. I can think of three specific instances in my life where I was at risk for an unplanned pregnancy and that pregnancy would have been devastating. A pregnancy at any of those points of time would have left me in a vary dangerous situation. And the horrific part is that two of those instances were before I was educated about pregnancy, birth, and abortion. Before I had received counseling about the types of situations I was in. Frankly, had I gotten pregnant in either of those instances, the odds are pretty good that I wouldn't have sought an abortion. I would have birthed an unwanted child into circumstances that were unhealthy at best and at worst would have ended in harm to myself or the child. My life would have been shattered, my education, my personal growth and discovery. All because I didn't even believe I had a choice.
   But I do. It's my choice. My legal right. And it's the right of every single woman in this backwards ass country. And I'm tired of being quiet and polite. And I'm tired of people having to whisper and have secrets and live with shame because they made the absolute best decision for themselves and their families and all anyone can do it point fingers and shit on them. This is not some hypothetical debate. This is not a matter of principle or a talking point or a campaign platform. I refuse to sit back and listen to people discuss abortion as if I didn't even exist. As if their words have no impact on me. This is my family. This is my body. This is my life. It's personal.
   And if you are one of the people trying to take this choice away from me- if you want to limit my healthcare and my decision making and interfere in my marriage and my family- know that it does not go unnoticed. I know exactly who in my life would send me back into that dark hell of depression and call themselves a hero. I don't say this to shame you or change your mind. I say this to let you know- it hurts. You hurt people. Your words and your actions hurt people. Your hands are not clean.

Early Childhood Development 101

    I think a lot of people- or at least a lot of people who have never had a child before- think of development as a linear process. Things gradually get better. Babies gradually sleep longer. They gradually nurse less. Which from a macro standpoint is true. A five year old probably sleeps longer stretches and nurses less than a five month old. But does a five month old sleep longer than a five day old? Sometimes. Sometimes not. Sometimes the baby sleeps longer for a few months then goes back to waking more frequently. Sometimes the toddler starts nursing like a newborn again. And if you were expecting a smooth linear path, it can be frustrating or nerve wracking or miserable. A lot of parents think something must be wrong. There are countless articles that talk about "regressions" (see here for why that is a bit of a misnomer).
    The reality is that development is often a messy two steps forward, one step back situation. Revisiting our expectations and adjusting our perspective can be really helpful in making the process less stressful, but I'm as guilty as anyone else in loosing sight of the long term and becoming completely overwhelmed in the day to day. So here are some of Perrin's big developments that we are finally seeing, even though they have been in the works for some time.

1. Sleeping through the night. While we were in Philadelphia, Perrin decided to sleep from 11 pm to 6 pm without waking. Previous to this, a 4-5 hour stretch was about the longest we ever got out of him, and even that wasn't on a regular basis. (Side note: Did you know that the definition of "sleeping through the night" that all those baby books use is only 5 hours? Not sure about you, but my concept of a full night's sleep is a heck of a lot more than 5 hours.) It was awesome. But the next night was the normal up every two to three hours, so we didn't get our hopes up. However, over the next few weeks the nights of long sleep stretches became more frequent until they were more often than not. For our purposes, I consider our "night" the time he goes to bed until the time Joey gets up in the morning, usually around 5:30. Perrin and I usually stay in bed until 7, so we get more sleep than that, but if he wants to nurse and then go back to sleep or something during those morning hours, I still count the night as a "success". Naturally, this meant he was also not nursing as often during the night. Which brings me to milestone number two.

2. Night weaning. We've been working on this one for a while. Waaaaay back in the day I thought I might toy with it around 1 year, the earliest it's usually recommended. But it was obvious when we got to that point that Perrin was nowhere near ready. And honestly, night nursing never really bothered me that much. We cosleep and Perrin had been pretty good at nursing lying down since about 9 weeks, so nursing him at night barely roused me at all. A little help latching and I just drifted right back to sleep. Perrin never even really woke up.
    So then his second birthday came, and the idea of sleeping for several hours straight had started to seem pretty sweet. I bought the book "Nursies When the Sun Shines" to help prep him for the concept and we started with a version of Jay Gordon's nightweaning method. However, once again, it was obvious he just wasn't ready. I'm sure we could have been a little more forceful with it and maybe had more success, but once again night nursing just wasn't that big of a deal for me. I didn't mind waiting a bit longer.
  So really, the night weaning and sleeping through the night happened pretty much simultaneously. Maybe once or twice a week he still asks to nurse in the middle of the night, and I usually let him since allowing him to latch for 10 seconds and rolling over to go back to sleep is easier than arguing about it. (In truth I offer water and remind him to wait until morning once, and if he persists I just go with it). But mosts nights he nurses before we lay down to sleep (he doesn't actually nurse to sleep at night anymore) and then doesn't nurse again until after 5:30 when Joey gets up. Sometimes he makes it all the way until 7 when we get up for the day.

3. Weaning in general. Another idea I had way back in the beginning was that I would allow Perrin to completely self wean if I was still ok with continuing the nursing relationship. My baseline goal was to make it to two years, and then just let him go after that and see what happened. Well, about two months after he turned two I developed a really awful nursing aversion. Nursing aversions are hard to describe. It's not simple as being physically uncomfortable (which can be a sign of latch issues that sometimes develop as kids get older and need to relearn a good latch). It's more like, if you could imagine that nails down a chalkboard feeling but in your nipples. At least that's the best way I can describe it. Anyway, I had started to get it during ovulation and menses around 17 months postpartum when my menstrual cycle returned. But after Perrin turned two, it was everyday, all the time. So I knew that allowing him to nurse on demand was not going to work much longer. I made the decision to start nudging him in the direction of weaning. I experimented with a few different approaches. Limiting the frequency of nursing didn't seem to go very smoothly. He was very resistant, as anyone would be when their main source of comfort was suddenly inexplicably unavailable. However, he was totally cool with me limiting the duration of the nursing session. Often I could give him about 10 seconds on each breast, say all done, and he'd scamper off to do whatever. So that became my main strategy. He could nurse as often as he like, but only for a very short amount of time, with the exceptions being before night and nap.
   Now about a month ago when Perrin was just shy of two and a half, I began to revisit the limiting frequency approach. We started instituting a "nursing for nap or night time" policy and did lots of offering snacks, distraction, and staying busy. So far it's been going extremely well. Most days he only nurses four times- before and after nap and before and after night sleep. I make exceptions for extreme distress, such as when he is hurt. And every now and then he inexplicably insists on nursing in between and it's obvious that it is a real need, even if I can't understand why. Going back to the start of this post, I understand that it's not going to be a perfectly smooth transition and I am fine with the ups and downs and back and forth until we both get used to the new status quo.
   My goal now is to keep up with the nap and night nursing, until that's no longer working either. Then we will start working on completely weaning.


So these are the several different goings ons, all of which have developed in just the past few months. I know things will continue to evolve as we near the three year mark, and I am very excited about the prospect of being done nursing and moving to even more independent sleep for Perrin. But right now I am perfectly comfortable in the fact that change is coming, even if it is slow, and I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.

5 Things to Know About Natural Birth (Or at least my take on it)

    This was not on the list of regularly scheduled programming, but I got tagged like 3 times in a post about natural birth and I've had to give this response before, so I figured it would be best just to keep all these thoughts together and accessible. So, as someone who had a natural birth and who is also a certified childbirth educator, here are the things I think are important to know:

1) We will start with anecdotal evidence. My birth. I loved it. It was loooong (78 hours) and my baby was BIG (9lb. 14oz.), but I would not describe my birth as painful. Contractions were uncomfortable (although I have endometriosis and not a single contraction hurt worse than my period cramps), pushing was really hard work (not only was he big, he wasn't ideally positioned), and crowning felt intense, but never once did it feel like I was suffering or needing additional assistance in any way. Now, to hedge, I had a homebirth. I could move freely, eat what I wanted, rest on my own bed or in a birthing tub in my living room. We could come and go from the house as we pleased and be left completely alone when I needed some space. I imagine if I had been in a different environment I would have faced some unique challenges that may have changed how the birth progressed and my perception of it, depending on the limitations of the space.

2) Let's be clear- No medication does not mean no pain relief. It simply means using other tools to cope with discomfort during labor. In my classes, we go over all the different pain relief options and they fill in a tool box with the ones that appeal to them and then have a separate space for ones they want to avoid. Massage, hydrotherapy, positioning, activity, relaxation and mediation, TENS units, aromatherapy- all these things can offer pain relief during labor and help labor to progress optimally. Some people think natural birth just means showing up and gritting through it, and that usually results in the stories you hear about it was so awful or they had to get medication or they were so exhausted after they couldn't function.

3) It's like running a marathon. Ask any long distance runner and they will tell you running can hurt. Your muscles are working hard, your body is taxed, there can be discomfort. But they still run because they know they are working towards a goal. They also know that the pain is PRODUCTIVE and not INJURIOUS, and that is an important distinction. Some people who aren't familiar with extensive physical exertion may not readily understand the difference. You can feel pain when you are injured- like stepping on a nail or breaking a bone. It hurts and it signals your body to have a adrenal response to the situation to cope. However, you can also feel pain during things that are not injurious but actually productive, like running. It may be uncomfortable, but your body is not being harmed or damaged, it's simply working hard. Same thing with birth. Nothing is happening TO you; you are ACCOMPLISHING something. And when the body perceives that kind of discomfort, it does not initiate a stress response, which is good because those stress hormones can actually make pain worse and make you feel panicky. Mentally preparing for this distinction during pregnancy can keep you from panicking when you feel a contraction and stimulating an injurious pain response. Telling yourself or having other people remind you that the discomfort is normal, your body is working hard, your baby is on it's way, etc., can help keep you calm and the discomfort in perspective.

4)One of my pet peeves is when people say "You can't plan labor." Well fucking duh. Everyone knows this. It peeves me because it is usually said in response to a mother trying to prepare herself for her labor or gain more knowledge. It sounds discouraging and frankly really patronizing. The mom knows she can't plan. But she's trying to prepare. And that is GREAT. Our culture does not prepare us for birth at all, but especially not for natural birth and it does take some effort to rectify that. While some people may feel more comfortable with a medically managed pregnancy where they don't have to participate, many others want bodily autonomy and the ability to allow their body to do what it needs to do. What I recommend to my students is this: Make a birth plan- the one you want. The one you envision and hope for. Then make a separate contingency plan. Talk with your birth partner about what you would do in certain circumstances, such as if you medically needed an induction (which is not common) or medically needed a cesarean (also not common). Write those things down so you both are on the same page and know what to do if a situation arises. But then put it away. Don't look at the contingency plan again. You have addressed the "what ifs", now focus all of your energy on your original birth plan. Say affirmations, read birth stories, watch videos, surround yourself with positivity.

5) It doesn't have to be all or nothing. Most people are interested in natural birth for the experience and the health benefits to mom and baby. However, at some point you may decide you want a different kind of experience and that's okay, but you can mitigate the risk to you and baby by knowing about interventions and how to use them. Timing of epidurals, method of induction, etc. can make a big difference in how much risk you are adding on with these interventions. Also, as I tell my students- you can't get an epidural in the parking lot. Chances are even if you plan the most medicated labor in the history of childbirth, you are going to have to deal with a few contractions on your own. So it behooves you to know about how to handle birth in the event that medical interventions aren't readily available.


     So there you have it. Per usual, feel free to ask questions, email, facebook, etc.

Catching Up

    I feel like I've really been slacking the past few months and am a little frustrated because I have several topics I'd like to cover, but this semester has been crazy for us. Joey has had some very time consuming classes and I feel like I've been juggling 18 different things. Perrin and I did a parent-child Waldorf class this semester. I started phasing myself out of the grant project I was working for and launched my childbirth class series. I also had plans to go back to school and had to study and test for the classes I needed to take. Unfortunately due to our financial situation, that isn't going to work out. Money is tight and there are other projects that I also need to focus on. That coupled with the fact that once Joey has a tenure-track job I should be able to attend classes at a discounted rate led me to decide to postpone any additional education for the time being. But at least I know I can test into higher level chemistry and calculus!
    I did however decide to put my M.A. to use and applied for an adjunct position at the local community college. The have an adjunct "pool" and don't advertise official openings, so I just have to hope that they need a professor in the subjects I'm qualified to teach. I'm also starting an extremely part time job at the local birth center leading a Parent and Child group. Throw in an essay I prepared for a writing contest, a trip to Philadelphia, and the general fall and winter festivities, and we've been quite busy lately. I really don't like being busy, but it just seems to happen.
    Anyway, I'm hoping to get a few posts out over Joey's winter break. Unfortunately any school break usually turns into "Let's do all the things we've needed to do for the past 4 months!" so I'm not sure exactly how much spare time I'll have. So if anyone is still out there, stay tuned. I promised I still have original thoughts and ideas, I just rarely get a chance to write them down.

No time to talk

   Seriously. No time. None. Zero. I have about 4 different topics I want to discuss here, but I have time for exactly zilch. I finally found a place for my childbirth classes, so those begin next week. I'm going back to school in January. And Perrin is well, Perrin, and two. So....I'm sorry. Eventually, hopefully, I'll get around to discusses modern parenting and the social costs, Perrin's sleeping habits as a toddler, and whatever else it was that I wanted to talk about (See, I already forgot). But I also have a writing contest I'm submitting to and desperately trying to finish my piece for, a house to clean, and a bunch of other crap. And all of our shit keeps breaking. So it may be a while. Thanks for understanding.

Why Politeness Needs to Die

      I am vehemently anti-politeness. I have to come to this conclusion after years of self-reflection and general observation. The entire concept of being "polite" needs to curl up and die. Maybe it's because I was born and raised in the South where there is that supposed Southern White, Abled, Middle Class, Christian, Patriarchal Hopsitality, but politeness was always emphasized to me growing up. I was expected to do and say specific things because it was polite. I was expected to respond in a certain way because it was polite. And I'm calling bullshit.

    Now, before anyone burns me at the stake, let me explain what I am vehemently for- I am for kindness. I am for being loving and kind towards my fellow humans and the rest of this gorgeous planet. I am for being considerate of others because that should be the default way in which we treat each other. I am for cultivating peacefulness and gentleness in the way we interact and relate to each other and the world around us.

Notice how the focus is on how you are perceived
and treated, not on being kind to others.
 Being polite to "get" something.

    So what's the distinction, you ask? Well, for some people there may not be any. But for me, at least the way it was presented to me or the way I perceived it until just recently in my adult life, being polite was something you had to do out of social custom. It was what "good" children and adults did. It was the opposite of rude. If you didn't want to be though rude, you had to be polite. And rudeness was "bad". And so I spent most of my life being polite as some kind of behavioralist reflex to certian cues and situations because all I knew is if I didn't, I was bad. And in some ways that meant I was an absolute door mat. And all I can think is how much different I would have perceived my place in the world is that instead of being polite, I was told to be kind.

sic [People]

   We say please and thank you because it's kind to let people know we appreciate them. The use gentle words because it is kind. We wait our turn, lower our voices in crowded places, etc. because it is kind to those around us. Not because it's some constructed social custom that we do or face social penalty. Because we are striving to be kind to one another. And because we need to also be kind to ourselves, we have to have boundaries. And this is one of the biggest lessons I think politeness fails to instill. Because it's ok to be rude sometimes. Sometimes it's even necessary. And when we set up this polite-rude dichotomy, we severely limit our range of acceptable emotional responses.

   Especially as a female, the need to be polite is hammered into to everything you do. This concept has been connected through all kinds of problematic situations, like rape culture and the ever present "friend zone" concept. It already marginalized people feeling the need to apologize for taking up space and not feeling empowered to take up more for fear of being rude or off-putting.

   So for me, what does this look like in action? It's not buying into the ageist practice of using titles for a person just because they may be older than you. If a person wants to be called Mrs. Whatever or Sir or Ma'am, it is kind to oblige because it is considerate of their comfort level and costs a person nothing. Showing gratitude is important, but that doesn't have to be in the form of some preconceived phrase. Body language and tone, especially in children who may not be able to spew out their rehearsed responses, especially in times of excitement, is just as sufficient. Intention over formality. A begrudging "thank you" shouldn't be more meaningful than a squeal of excitement. A forced "I'm sorry" is pointless.

   When we get so caught up in the formality that we are teaching the wrong lessons and implying the wrong values, I can no longer feign support. So to the concept of politeness, I bid you adieu. I will practice kindness. And I will teach kindness to my offspring. And I will not loose one ounce of sleep if they forget to spit out a "thank you" or "sir". And I will not allow people to treat me poorly and smile silently until I can politely excuse myself. Because that's not kind.