I have 7 unpublished draft posts that have been lingering here for a while. Seven. It was easy to post regularly when I was trapped under a nursing baby for 20 hours a day, but these days it's just so much harder to find the time. But I have been trying very hard for about 2 years now to work on developing my voice- mostly in terms of learning how to enforce boundaries with other people. But sitting down with my thoughts, writing them out, that is a kind of awareness of my voice that also does me a lot of good. So I'm going to try to get back into it. And I might as well put it out there, in case anyone else can glean anything from it as well.
In a lot of ways, I have gotten to know myself much better over the past few years. And now that I'm figuring out who I am, I how I got here, I'd like to put more energy into who I am becoming. And like I have written about previously Becoming takes time and can get quite messy. But I've recently made it to the place where I feel healthy enough to timidly try and establish relationships again. Please know I still absolutely suck at it and by try I mean dip my pinky toe in the water and then run away. But I want to be very mindful about how I'm interacting with other people, because let's face it- I'm not very good at it yet. Practice makes perfect. And for now this is the only kind of practice I feel comfortable with. One sided, yes. But I'm especially terrible at taking things in in a healthy way, and this allows me to put energy out there while being able to carefully receive what comes back in a way that doesn't overwhelm me at the moment. So I'm just going to sit around practicing having feelings and shit, and then practice writing them down, and then maybe one day I can actually interact with actual humans again.
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