Interview with a Dad

   

photo credit: Audria Abney, www.audriaabney.com

     I've noticed that in a lot of the mom groups I participate in online there are lots of questions about fathers- either their perspectives on certain issues or how to navigate relationships with our partners as we all enter into this whole parenthood thing. So I decided to interview a dad and get the low down for myself. I kind of cheated and just interviewed Perrin's dad, my partner Joey, since he is readily accessible and all. I asked him a range of open ended questions about parenting in general and "hot" topics, especially ones I see come up a lot in reference to support and opposition from fathers. So what does this dad think about all things baby? Read on to find out.

What is your favorite thing about being a dad?
     Um...just watching him grow. Watching him learn and do things for the first time and just kind of experience life. That's the big thing- just watching the wonder in his eyes when he sees new things for the first time.

Least favorite thing?
    Um....night's like last night when you're just ready to go to bed and tired, but he's either fighting sleep or...I guess just teething in general. Him being so restless and not going to sleep. Getting frustrated but you can't really do anything about it because it's not like he knows what he's doing or understands what's going on. He's just learning his feelings and asserting himself.

What was pregnancy like from your perspective?
    Quick. Exciting. It was kind of the excitement of the unknown. Just knowing that he was coming and curiosity since we didn't find out what it was, whether it would be a boy or girl. I thought it was kind of neat seeing your [Roxanne's] body change, especially when he started kicking or getting the hiccups. Hiccups were kind of funny. It was just kind of trippy that something was growing inside of you. And also kind of ridiculous how many times you had to pee.

The pregnant female- gross, sexy, or neither?
     I think it's sexy. I think it's pretty cool. Sexy in a maternal way. I don't know, I think it's a really cool transformation. It's usually pretty special- I know not all women see it that way, but...

Post-partum bodies- same question.
     I think it's sexy. I think the whole process is sexy. I don't see it being, detracting from the thing that brought me to you and it makes it that much more special that it's something we share now. You're body might change, but that doesn't change my perception of you.

What was it like to have a wife with PPD?
     It was very hard. Kind of...just reminding myself that you're [Roxanne] not doing it on purpose. Just reminding myself that it will get better.

We had the baby at home, what was that like?
     I thought that was really cool. I don't know, it was just very peaceful. Just, non-stress. Well, not non-stress but reduced stress and less pressure. Just because we were already excited and anxious and stuff, and especially with how long he took, it was nice to just go at our own pace. And it was very freeing. Just that we could go up to campus and go for a walk or go to In N Out for a hamburger. Hell, I went for a run with the dog one morning to settle him down. We had Lia and everyone with us, but we didn't have people disturbing us- poking and prodding you and breathing down our necks saying we need to do this.

What do you think about breastfeeding in general?
    Um...hmmm. Uhh...I think it's ideal. I fee like it's ideal because it's a lot more nutritious than formula, but I also respect that it's the mom's decision. And that she can do it for however long she feels most comfortable doing it. So, like if...I think it's good to be supportive and realize how much it means to the mom to do the breastfeeding stuff and then try and support it as much as you can. Especially in the beginning, because from what I've noticed everyone has trouble in the beginning. Not many people have that wonderful start where baby latches properly and there's no pain. But just that- being supportive in the beginning when it's hard and understanding how much it means to the mom. Like with you- from the beginning I knew how important it was to, so if you wanted to keep going that's fine, but if you really really really wanted to stop I wouldn't have said you can't. Like now, like if you told me tonight that you were tired of it and done I wouldn't say anything to stop you, even though he's not two yet. And even if at two or however many weeks when it was the hardest if you had said "I'm done, I gave it shot and didn't like it" and wanted to switch to formula I would have supported that. That's what I mean, I think it's ideal. I don't think formula is the worst thing in the world, I just don't think it's the best. It's just...different. Not my body, not my call.

...In public?
     I think it's great. I think it's a lot easier than having to worry about covering and peeking on the baby and stuff.  [I clarified that nursing in public includes with a cover] Oh, when you say breastfeeding in public I jump to no cover, just whipping it out. Because I feel like when you are doing it with a cover, you are still breastfeeding in public, but you are hiding the fact that you are breastfeeding in public. So you want to do it, but you don't want other people to know you are doing it, which is fine. I don't really notice, but you know when sometimes I come home and tell you I noticed a woman breastfeeding at the park without a cover just whipping it out...I don't know, it doesn't bother me.

...Around family?
    Heheheh...it's funny. Ha ha haha. Just the differences. Like your mom and them don't care, and my mom doesn't care anymore either. Just kind of the differences, because like...well you did it at Christmas? I don't know, I guess I envisioned my family saying more than they do. It was definitely a conversation before he was born that that was what we were going to do. Just because no one in my family had been around it. I guess one really had in your family either. I guess it's just funny because everyone made a big deal about it in the beginning, but then when you actually did it and they saw it, it wasn't a big deal.

How do you feel about cosleeping?
     Um...I like it and I don't like it. I guess it's kind of like what I said before withe the parts I don't like about being a dad, like when he's not feeling well- which I guess it wouldn't matter if he was in a another room- well, let me rephrase. I guess, it's an acceptable inconvenience until he decides he doesn't want to. Because it doesn't matter if he was in another room or sleeping with us, if he's not feeling well it's not that we would just leave in him in the room by himself all night. So I guess it's just we don't have to walk into another room. I hate how his restless nights keep you from getting any sleep. I really like the nights- I don't mind him sleeping on me or with me- but that's the big thing though I know it's harder for you to sleep at night because he's always wanting to nurse and roll around and stuff. I wish he'd sleep with me more. But if it helps him developmentally and emotionally, it's more of a necessary, an acceptable inconvenience and I'd rather forgo the little bit of extra sleep I'd get.

How did you/do you bond with Perrin?
     Um...I bonded with Perrin through our walks, especially at night and stuff, and through how hard things were in the beginning. But I'd take him on walks for at least 30 minutes at a time, multiple times a day. But through that and me being able to take off from work for that period of time and just kind of hang out at home. Our showers are always fun. And um...yeah, those are the main two I guess.

Babywearing- practical or emasculating?
     Practical. No hesitation. I think everyone should do it.

Is gender neutral parenting weird?
    Uuummmm...Only beyond the point where you feel comfortable. Uhhh...let me see. I get it. And I agree with it to an extent. I feel like with gender neutral stuff there is a spectrum, and I consider myself more in the middle as opposed to the full on everything neutral. That's what I mean by "beyond the point where you feel comfortable" so finding where you are on the spectrum and then anything beyond that is weird...well maybe not weird, but just too much. [I asked for clarification] I fine with everything up to some of the clothing. I'm fine with all the colors and the hair and toys, it doesn't offend me if someone calls him a girl. And I don't like the whole, like um, sexualization of the clothing like the "Heartbreaker" type stuff.

photo credit: Audria Abney, www.audriaabney.com

How do you cope with your and Perrin's penises not matching? [Referring to Perrin being intact and Joey not]
     [Shrugs] I don't think about it. I don't think about it because it's not an issue.

What are your thoughts on gentle discipline?
     I like it. It's definitely a different way of doing it than what I'm used to seeing. I think it's definitely a lot nicer. And I mean, it seems to be just as effective. It might take a little longer because you may not see the immediate results, but it's because it's him learning instead of him just doing it because I'm about to smack the shit out of him. That's about it.

Is cloth diapering really gross?
     No. I'm in charge of the cloth diapers; it's not. I shouldn't say I'm in charge, but I do it mostly. No, I think they're great.

photo credit: Audria Abney, www.audriaabney.com

What are your thoughts about how dad's are portrayed in the media or pop culture? Anything you would like to set straight?
     I don't think there is anything I feel I need to set straight. I think some things are decent and some or more kind of, just a little out there. I feel like I'm not the one to ask this because  I don't pay attention enough or consider things unless it's just blatant. There was that carseat commercial that was a little blatant. Oh, and the football game one that was talking about dad having to watch the game and not...the guy was too busy watching football and couldn't do anything and that was just the center of his life. I thought that was a bit excessive.

What do you think is the most important things for dads or dads-to-be to know?
     Patience and support. Lots and lots of patience and be as supportive as you can.

Any last tips or advice?
    Not at the moment- ask me later [as he cleans up the basket of tea Perrin just dumped all over the kitchen floor].

The D

No, not that D. This is a post about divorce. Before you freak out and call me (Mom....), no, Joey and I aren't getting a divorce. This is a post about divorce as an institution, nothing personal. Speaking of not taking things personally, a quick disclaimer:

   I almost didn't write this because I'm sure someone out there in the world will take it the wrong way. I hate offending people and I hate the possibility that somewhere out there in the universe someone is mad at me. But what I hate more is feeling like I have no voice- that I'm constantly silencing myself for other's convenience. So in an act of self-care and therapeutic catharsis, I'm going to speak my truth. You (that is, those "you"s who feel the need to act as if everyone is living AT you) need to either kindly get the fuck over yourself or skip this post. Me sharing my thoughts and experience does not equal me judging people with different thoughts or experiences. Disagree with every word in this post? Cool. That's why we are two different people. There is no need to explain to me why my experience does not apply to you or in what situations it would be completely different or the importance of another perspective. This is my perspective; that's it. I'm not giving relationship advice or claiming to have any sort of answers. So onto the actual post...

   Even though I'm not giving advice or anything, I feel like I should be upfront about my personal experiences with divorce. My parents divorced when I was a year old and I myself have been divorced. My first marriage lasted a whopping 18 months. So if you want to get psychoanalytical about things and dissect the rest of this post with that in mind, go for it. I'm not pretending that these past experiences don't have any affect on my thoughts and beliefs about the subject.

 So why I am writing about divorce anyway? It's honestly pretty random. I see a variety of Facebook memes about all sorts of things and that includes divorce. I have seen a few along the lines of "Back in the day.." or "For my grandparents" attesting to how much more wonderful the institution of marriage was before divorce became more prevalent. I also see a lot of memes along the lines of "We don't throw away something broken, we fix it" and "First marriage is the only marriage". So these two types of sentiments, which I will address separately, get me thinking sometimes. Joey and I have discussed them and seem to be in agreement about the ideas in general and our own thoughts on divorce. So I'll start by addressing the two specific things I mentioned, and then also more general ideas.

"Back in the Day"
     Ok, so yeah, there used to be less divorce. But that doesn't mean that divorce is inherently bad AND more importantly, that doesn't mean marriages were necessarily better. There were women who were stuck in horribly abusive relationships, children stuck in abusive or otherwise unhealthy families, and families of people who were absolutely miserable. Are there people who overuse divorce or don't take marriage seriously? Well yeah, but why do you care? My thoughts on divorce are similar to those on abortion- if you don't like it, don't get one.

"Don't give up, just fix it!"
   I am by no means advocating that you not put time and effort into marriage. It is super hard sometimes and that means putting in 110% and pushing the boulder up hill and all those other metaphors. I get that. But you know how on Hoarders, half of the house is full of broken junk and every time the host is like "Hey, how about you throw out this broken thing?" the Hoarder always responds with "But I can fix it!!!!!"....? Yeah, my feelings are kind of like that. Sure, you can hypothetically fix whatever. You can painstakingly super glue a shattered windshield back together piece by piece if you really want to. Or melt it down and reform it, even. The point is- we all know damn well that Hoarder isn't going to fix shit. Having the potential to fix something doesn't mean it's going to get fixed and there is a good chance you could just spend your entire life lugging around broken trash. I think some people can legitimately recognize when they are delaying the inevitable and just need to let something go. And I don't think that is a bad thing.

   So another general thing that I have noticed is the fact that divorce is still very much a taboo. Liz Taylor and other celebrities aside, we still have a lot of socio-cultural baggage surrounding divorce. This really hits home for me in the number of relationship help columns, books, and articles (as well as some personal accounts) that state simply uttering the word 'divorce' is bad for a marriage. The "it can never be taken back" superstition around the word divorce is slightly confusing to me. I mean, I get that for some people (for either religious of philosophical reasons), they don't consider divorce an option. But if leaving isn't an option, then staying isn't either.

  Which brings me to Joey and I's general agreement about divorce and it's place in our marriage (interesting concept, huh?). We most certainly want divorce to be an option. We want it to have a place in our discussions about our relationship and our family. We recognize that for some people, having separate parents creates a healthier overall family. And we acknowledge that we don't want the other person to be miserable. Neither of us hold any particular religious or philosophical beliefs that would preclude divorce. Finally, we want to know that if we are in this, if we are still together, it is because we absolutely without a shadow of a doubt want to be. Not because we feel guilty about leaving or because we are scared of what people will say. So we talk about divorce a lot. When we are having rough spots in our marriage (which is a lot now that Perrin is here), we talk about it. Do you think it would be better if we had time apart? Do we need space? Are we at the end of this road? Do we need to rethink our family and relationship? And so far, the answers have been decidedly, No. We like where we are at. It is hard. It sucks sometimes. But we still both want to be here. But if one of us ever answers yes, it will be in a safe place. Because there is an understanding that we are both open and committed to whatever family arrangement is best for all three of us. And sometimes that includes divorce. And that can be okay. And that we are willing to sacrifice our marriage for our family and our relationship. I am thankful for that.

  So when I see some of those memes with those cute little quips about divorce and the sanctity of marriage, I smile- because I know that divorce has a place in our marriage. And I know that that statement probably horrifies some people. But for Joey and I, it brings us comfort. Because we want to be stuck together. And we want to want it.

Crunchy Confessions: Household Products

    Continuing on with the series, I figured I'd share some of the household products we use. Much like our personal hygiene products, we make it a priority to avoid toxic or harsh chemicals as well as those that are damaging to the environment. An added bonus is that most of what we use is also dirt cheap. Yayness!

   So let's start with cleaners. Vinegar. Baking Soda. Yup, that's about it. Seriously though- I have a spray bottle with half vinegar and half water. I use that for the laminate floors, glass, kitchen and bathroom. I use baking soda for stuck on grime or anything that needs a little extra scrubbing power. I've found they work just as good as most commercial cleaners; they just require a little more elbow grease. But really, who out there is adverse to burning a few extra calories? Vinegar is antibacterial, so it's a great replacement for bleach and other harsh chemicals.

   I also make our own laundry detergent. I make 5 gallons at a time and it only costs a couple of bucks per batch. Here is the recipe I use:
      Fill a 5 gallon bucket half way with hot water.
      Add 1 cup Arm & Hammer Super Washing Soda and 1/2 Borax and stir until dissolved.
      Grate 1 bar of soap (we use a castille soap with tea tree oil)
      Heat a pot of water on the stove and gradually stir in the soap flakes until completely dissolved.
      Mix into bucket.
      Fill the rest of the way with hot water.
      Let sit for 24 hours.
       Stir before each use

That's it! We have an old plastic detergent dispenser that we fill with our soap so that we don't have to get the big heavy bucket out each time. I think the original recipe said to fill the dispenser with half soap half water, but Joey gets really sweaty so we've always just used our double strength (it still lasts forever, so why not?). This works great for us. Joey has a reaction to some detergents so this is a good option. We used in on Perrin's newborn clothes and I even use it on our cloth diapers. If I need to get something extra clean (like dingy whites or stripping the diapers) I just do a prewash with some vinegar and baking soda (you can also add a little Borax if you have hard water).

   Another thing we try to limit is our consumption of paper products. We still use toilet paper (so far...) but Perrin's diapers are all cloth. We also don't buy paper towels. I have a ton of rags made of cut up t-shirts that we didn't want anymore and we use those to clean up day to day messes. We even stopped buying paper coffee filters and got a reusable metal one.

   The few things we do still buy are hand-soap, dishwasher detergent, and dish-soap. I have found some good recipes to try to make our own, but I just haven't gotten around to it yet. But we like the money we save and it's nice that I don't have to worry about Perrin or the animals being affected by any of the products. And did I mention how cheap vinegar and baking soda are?!

Project Real Life- My House

     I had a great conversation with a friend the other day. She had invited some other moms and I over for a get together with the babies and she was telling me about how stressed out she was over getting her house in order. And about how stupid she thought it was that she was letting it stress her out. We are all moms, we all have messes, and we are all friends. What did she feel like she had to prove? I do the same thing. When I have people over I am frantically cleaning for at least two days before and straightening up until the first person shows. But why? The condition of our house is good enough for us to live in day after day, surely our friends can survive it for a few hours. But I'm sure most of us will admit that we would be embarrassed if people saw our home on a regular day. And why? Who cares?

   I get it. A clean house is supposed to be part of the package. Right along with cooking healthy homemade meals and having a color-coordinated wardrobe. But come on...haven't we moved beyond this June  Cleaver ideal of what it means to be a good mother or woman or person? Does the state of your house really have any bearing on your identity or worth? Obviously we're not talking about basic levels of sanitation and hygiene. What we are talking about is a particular aesthetic, and more importantly an aesthetic that is not necessarily appealing to ourselves but that we adopt because we feel it is expected of us. So I'm calling bullshit.

   I'm a messy person. I always have been. I *know* that it's easier to put things away as I use them and clean as I go, but I am still going to set whatever is in my hands on the kitchen island every. damn. time. Every now and then the mess starts to make me feel anxious- so I clean it up. Then I feel better. Then I make the mess again. And that is completely fine because it's just how I roll. In years B.P. (before Perrin), Joey and I cleaned the house top to bottom every week. Every Saturday we picked up, mopped, vacuumed, dusted, and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom. But it only took about 24 hours for the counters to become cluttered again. Now that we are in A.P. (after Perrin), we're lucky if we mop the floors once every two weeks. And Perrin eats off those floors (to be fair he also eats dirt, so I refuse to beat myself up about some dog drool and floor Cheerios- organic floor Cheerios I might add). I don't think to clean the bathroom until the shower curtain get mildewy. At first it drove me insane. But now...I have accepted it. It won't last forever. And even if it does- so what? We are all happy and healthy, what else really matters? Why should I stress myself out over something I couldn't care less about?

   Sometimes I find myself rationalizing it in my head. Perrin is really high maintenance. He lap naps. We are just really busy. If things were different, our house would be much cleaner. But the truth is, I don't think it would be. And I'm sure I could find the time to stay on top of things if I tried harder. I spend a lot of time cruising online home improvement stores. We don't have to go to the zoo AND Children's Museum AND library AND park every single week. But I want to do those things. I like doing them. I like laying in bed with Perrin and snuggling and watching the animals chase each other.  And who knows- maybe some moms are able to do all those things AND have a sparkling clean home. I guess I just don't want it bad enough. And that is ok.

   So the purpose of this post is for everyone to see the different variations of a normal household. Some are minimalist and sparkling. Some look like a tornado hit. But you know what? I doesn't make a bit of difference. Some people are just really good at the house keeping thing. I'm not one of them. I'm good at building things, but I don't expect my friends to build elaborate arbors and remodel their bathroom every time I come over. So here are some pictures submitted by some wonderful friends. We openly and unapologetically invite you into our homes as we live in them. No explanations of why we clean or don't. No lists of the things we do instead. No good intentions. Because we shouldn't have to explain ourselves. We don't owe anyone some arbitrary aesthetic lifestyle. So here is the clean and dirty.  Enjoy.

    We don't make our bed. Ever. I just don't see the point. I don't plan to ever start making my bed. I've read that you sleep better if you do, so I tried it for a little while. Meh. Not worth it. But it looks like I'm not the only one!

Sarah Harris would like to claim her fame for this snuggle fest.

Have I ever mentioned that I HATE folding clothes?

Oh my God! These living rooms look LIVED IN! The horror!

It's like they have baby or something!

Oh...

I guess I have to own this one.

And then there is the rest..

This will be Perrin's room...one day.

I will set it on the counter. 

Another lovely example from the Harris household

Oh my god Sarah, you can keep a baby AND a plant alive?!

Rodgers in the house! 

So there you have it! Real life in a few of our houses. Feel free to continue sending me pictures. And don't feel bad about leaving those dishes in the sink. Unless you want to wash the dishes. Then go for it! 

Crunchy Confessions: #1 Clean Hippies

   I'm finally getting around to officially starting my series that I've been thinking of doing for a while (though I already did my vaccine post a few weeks ago). For those of you who are unaware, the term "crunchy" (derived from the concept of being "granola") is a slang label often used to refer to more natural minded individuals of varying degrees and interests. A neo-hippie, if you will. In all fairness, it's a pretty meaningless label. As Joey likes to lament, some people are "birth crunchy" or crunchy in certain aspects but don't seem to let the same philosophies affect other aspects of their lives. I myself used to take offense to the term, but have since learned to laugh at and embrace it. I'm fairly certain there is no official crunchy barometer (though this crunchy Moh's scale is a great start), but I once didn't get a yoga teaching position because I was "too granola" so I feel like I probably pass whatever arbitrary threshold exists.
  For some of you these topics may not seem crunchy at all (this will probably include some of our AZ pals. Maybe Holly and JB) and others may think we are f*cking insane. But these are some topics that have either garnered questions or concern from others, so they might be of interest to you. Either you'll gain insight into how other, stranger people live or you will take comfort in the knowledge that you are not alone.

  So here goes our first installation. Our hygiene practices may be slightly different from some people's. Mostly they revolve around two basic ideas- 1) That our bodies are usually healthiest and best functioning when left alone in their natural state. 2) Trying to limit our exposure to toxins and chemicals. So what does this look like for us?

  We didn't bathe Perrin until he was a month old. He was born, laid on my chest, covered with a blanket, and that was that. After one month, we started doing family bath time as just another activity, but we still have never used any kind of soap or product on him. Nothing but water. Putting off newborn baths has shown some pretty awesome health benefits. For one, the baths result in unnecessary separation of the mother-infant dyad during a super important time for bonding and breastfeeding. Also, infants who are bathed after birth have a harder time regulating body temperature. It can also interfere with the development of a healthy flora for the baby- one big advantage of a vaginal birth that more and more science is looking to to explain life long health trends. Finally, the vernix that covers the baby's skin at birth has antibacterial properties and can help keep baby protected from germs in their new world. Babies don't need soap. Their skin is sensitive and many products can be irritating. Rinsing with a little water is all they need. Speaking of bath water, we filter ours. No chlorine for us! The majority of toxins in the body enter through the skin.

  Also, Joey and I don't use soap very often. Only when we are especially dirty or smelly. I find that my skin is much clearer and healthy when I don't use soap. I had aspirations to go "no poo" for a while, but could never stick it out long enough for my scalp to find a good balance. So I just use non-toxic plant based shampoo. And instead of mousse or gel, I just scrunch in a little aloe vera.

  Deodorizing. Joey doesn't. He stopped using deodorant a while ago. He doesn't smell, I promise. You'd be amazed at how much a clean diet affects things like body odor. When he does get very sweaty, he just takes a shower or simply changes clothes. I still use a deodorant, but have not used antiperspirants in years due to the aluminum and other chemicals. Which reminds me...

  There a few key ingredients we actively avoid- aluminum, sodium lauryl sulfates, parabens, any fragrances and dyes, and fluoride. But fluoride? How do we clean our teeth? I make our toothpaste. Equal parts coconut oil (which is antibacterial) and baking soda, plus a little xylitol and peppermint oil. No pesky fluoride to increase aluminum absorption or interfere with bone density. No glycerin to prevent remineralizing of our teeth. Just minty fresh breath and sparkly white chompers.

  And my personal favorite- female hygiene. I gave up tampons and pads (which at best are wasteful and at worst are full of dioxins) about a year before I got pregnant with Perrin. Instead I use a menstrual cup, the Diva Cup actually. I found that although there was a bit of a learning curve it really wasn't that hard to figure out. And I love being able to go worry free for 12 hours without having to change anything out. Plus the money I save not having to buy tampons every month? Love it!

  I'm sure I'm forgetting a few other quirky items, but just know it most likely involves breastmilk or coconut oil.

 

Babies- Apparently Some Preparation Required

      I had big plans for when the semester was over and I would have all this free time to get ready for the baby. Projects I would complete, cleaning, preparing... I made several lists. I had heard about this whole "nesting" bit and I knew once the semester was over I could allow myself to go into full nesting mode. Well, either I'm missing the whole 'nesting' gene, or no one told me that the amount of energy it requires to put on underwear in the morning at almost 9 months pregnant uses up all available desire and will to get anything else done that day. Now this wouldn't be a huge issue if it weren't for the fact that I have accomplished absolutely nothing baby wise all semester, except to accumulate baby stuff that is now filling up my yoga room. Seriously- this picture was taken yesterday.

That is all stuff that needs to be washed, sorted, put away, etc. The only thing I have accomplished is to put some toys in a box on a shelf. 

     Now, I blame this crazy exhaustion for the most part. It's a lot harder to constantly lug around an extra 30 lbs. than one might think. However, I think I also accidentally psyched myself into complacency regarding this whole having a baby thing in terms of time management. If you know me or possibly even ran into me on the street at any point, I'm sure I explained to you the problem with the U.S.'s obsession with due dates. Assuming for a moment that your estimated due date is accurate (which it's most likely not, unless you were charting your menstrual cycles when you got pregnant and your EDD is based on your ovulation day), that date really isn't so much a "due date" as when you are 40 weeks pregnant. It's essentially meaningless. So why is it so important for the doctor to tell you when your 40 weeks date (what I prefer to call it) is? Well, because most babies are born between 38 and 42 weeks, which means your 40 weeks is right smack in the middle. Now, some babies come a little earlier and are perfectly healthy. Some babies come past 42 and are also perfectly healthy (although it is usually recommended to begin regular non-stress tests after 42 weeks to make sure the baby is just taking extra long to cook and not being delayed because of any problems [also note- a diagnoses of cephalopelvic disproportion, macrosomia (big baby) and low amniotic fluid are incredibly inaccurate at this point. If yours and baby's vitals are fine, induction is usually unnecessary]). But for whatever reason, our society seems to demand an exact date to fixate on. Did you know rather than due dates people used to (and in some places still do) refer instead to birth seasons? What REALLY annoys the hell out of me is when people talk about their baby being "late" after the due date. No. "Late" or post-dates, is not until after 42 weeks. Up until that time, you are still "term" and it is perfectly normal, especially for first time moms who tend to go later anyway [what annoys me even more is that every single piece of medical research and literature stresses that being "late" or past 40 weeks is not a medical reason for induction and drastically increases the risk of complications including c-sections and baby spending time in the NICU and yet for some reason doctors still LOVE to induce at 38, 39, and 40 weeks]. And remember- this is all assuming that your 40 weeks date was correct, which isn't likely. So what is the point of me explaining all of this for the umpteenth time? In order to make sure I didn't fall into the trap of fixating on my "due date" and to discourage people from asking me "why is the baby late?", "are you going to get induced soon?", "are you sure everything is okay?!" I have always envisioned this baby coming at 42 weeks. Which led me to plan as if this baby is coming at 42 weeks, which means I still have a little over 6 weeks to get all this stuff done. 

      However, you may have spotted the problem with this plan. While it is entirely possible that I do in fact go all the way to 42, it is also entirely possible that this baby decides to make an appearance sooner. Possibly in 2 weeks. Which means I should probably at least have one clean diaper and blanket ready by then. This realization keeps sneaking up on Joey and I as we plan different things. We've gotten into the habit of saying we have "plenty of time!" before the baby gets here to do A,B, or C, but then we realize that in fact we may have very little time and should probably be at least be semi-prepared. So I started with the most urgent thing first- I purchased all of the birth supplies I will need. I'm now at least equipped to get the baby here. My goal this week is to actually get all the stuff that is in that room squared away. And then hopefully I'll still have some time after that to do some things around the house. I do believe that the mother's psychological preparedness has a lot to do with when a baby is born. The hormonal interplay that starts and sustains labor is incredibly sensitive and the presence of any stressors can delay labor significantly. I'm not sure if procrastination is physiologically recognized as being psychologically unprepared, but maybe it will at least buy me some time? So long story short- if you have any extra "nesting" energy in your psychic stores, feel free to send some my way. Because I have a load of baby clothes to hang on the line, but honestly a nap sounds way more appealing. 

Still here, still pregnant

    I realize (also, Joey just reminded me) that is has been quite a while since I gave an update. That's because for some reason I somehow got it into my head that I have too much time on my hands and volunteered myself for a couple of side projects (you know, other than teaching yoga, working on a PhD, putting in my GA hours and growing a kid). But the semester if finally starting to wrap up, so I figured I better check in.
    Quick side note- the next person who asks me if I'm "sick of being pregnant yet?" is getting at best a crude hand gesture. Why do people ask that question? If the answer was yes, what do you hope to have accomplished by bringing it to my attention? Yep, it sucks and I still have 6-10 more weeks to go! Thanks for reminding me! I have known some women who had some really rough pregnancies. I can't imagine that they a) had forgotten for one second how much they wanted to not be pregnant or b) enjoy hearing you reiterate the idea. I'm guessing a "you are doing such a good job with that baby!" or "he/she is going to be so healthy; you're body is so amazing to be creating something so awesome!" would be much more appreciated and constructive. If in fact the women is looking for a little commiseration, I'm guessing she'll start out the conversation with "oh my God, I'm so sick of being pregnant."
    And sorry to disappoint, but no, I'm not sick of being pregnant. This entire pregnancy has been a cake walk. I would say I love being pregnant, but it feels so normal at this point that it's almost unremarkable. I mean, I guess there are some symptoms or whatever that might bug some people- my feet and hands swell, I get leg cramps, my back aches when I sit for too long, heartburn, and the fact Raptor likes to play my ribs like a xylophone....But none of them really bother me that bad. If something comes up, I deal, and then go about the rest of my day. But I can see how if a person went into pregnancy thinking it was going to be horrible, or had people constantly telling her how horrible their pregnancy was, it might seem like a pain. But no, I figure this is probably one of the most amazing things I'll accomplish in my life, so the little quirks really don't bother me at all and I'm more than happy to keep going until Raptor decides the show is over.
   Which will bring us to the grande finale. That's another question I hear a lot..."are you getting nervous?" or "are you scared?" No way. Not even a little bit. And I'm not making it up. I'm getting a little anxious and excited but only because I want to meet this kid. He/she seems to have a pretty rad personality (seriously, sometimes I'm not sure if I'm looking at my belly or a rabid cat in a pillow case). But I'm also really looking forward to bringing this baby earthside. Once again, it will probably be up there on my list of top stuff I accomplish in this lifetime. My body is going to do some pretty amazing things and I can't wait to feel and experience all of them- even the parts that are uncomfortable.
     So that's all that is really going on now. Just wrapping up school and this whole "creating life" gig. Perhaps I will have more interesting things to say once the semester is officially done?

And they asked, heyayayayay, heyayay, what's goin' on?

    We get this question every time some one calls. I always feel guilty because my answer is never very interesting. School. That's it. No really. It's not that I don't want to talk or that I'm trying to dodge more in-depth conversation. That is really all we do for the most part. We go to school. We come home.We read stuff. We write about the stuff we read. We go back to school. We talk about the stuff we read. Lather, rinse, repeat. It's not very exciting. But I feel obligated to let all of you know that we are alive and well. And I thought long and hard about some at least semi-interesting things I could post about. So here you go:

1. We went to a concert. On of the radio stations here put on an outdoor one day music fest at the Padre's stadium. It was a hodge-podge of bands, but we got to see All That Remains, Corey Taylor, and the Offspring. It was a good show and we had a lot of fun. 

2. Our garden is doing fairly well. My beans, tomatoes, and zucchini are doing awesome. The eggplant, brusselsprouts, chives, cauliflower, spinach, and carrots are coming along as well. We'll see if the cooler weather helps them out at all.

3. We put in a mini cactus bed in the front yard. So far my bird of paradise bush isn't doing too hot. I hope it's just getting used to its new home and not completely dying. 

4. They are opening a Camp Bow Wow in Tucson. For those of you unaware of Fender's affinity for the doggie day-care chain, this is a huge blessing in terms of having somewhere to store our 150lb. Great Dane when we go out of town.

5. We booked our flights for Christmas. We will be in Memphis from Dec. 19th- 28th. 

6. We bought some rugs (can you tell how desperate I am for interesting information?). We got a nice big area rug in the living room and some smaller ones around the house. 

Of course now morning naps are a battle for the sunny spot on the office rug.

7. I'm teaching three yoga classes a week at the studio I work at, which is a nice distraction as well as extra cash in my pocket. 

8. We decorated for Halloween. Our neighbors seem to be into it, so we figured we would join in a put a few things up. I'm not sure what the trick-or-treater volume is like, but we plan on passing out candy and chilling at the house this year. 

9.   And we finally made it up to Mt. Lemmon for some hiking around. 

So that's it. That is all that you have been missing out on. I told you, we just don't do much. Occassionally we try a new restaurant or go the park or something. But for the most part, our lives revolve around school. 

La Casa

    Here they are- pictures and video of our house looking all spiffy. There are still a few places where I would like to add some wall art and we need to find an area rug we like for the living room, but for the most part, it is done. Except for the outside landscaping and the garden...so...almost done.

So this is the house. When I first saw the red, I was like "AGGHHHH!!!!" But then I thought about painting and sanding and the fact that it is 169 degrees outside, and I decided I could live with it. Now I actually kind of like it. Besides, we fit in better. Our next door neighbor's entire house is gold, and the one across the street is blue, so we've got the primary colors covered. Also, a note about the gravel yard. It is pretty typical due to the climate and I was stoked about what I thought was going to be a relatively low maintenance set up. There are these little fluffy green weeds that like to pop up, but they are fairly easy to pull up by hand. However, I did not realize how committed my neighbor was to growing grass two months out of the year. Whatever stringy, tangly variety he seeded likes to creep into our yard. Oh well, I will definitely take weed-eating every two weeks over mowing!

  For those of you who never came over to our apartment in Memphis, this is our shield. We found it in the toy department at Target. It has been on our front door ever since. Why? Because shield and pirates, that's why.

Upon entering the front door you are now in the kitchen/living room area. It's an open concept space so everything is kind of together. The back half of the room is the kitchen, the front half is the living room (the ceiling beam is pretty much the only divider). In order to define the space a little better, we picked two different color schemes. The kitchen is done in neutrals (note the earthy green accent wall) and the living room uses bolder, Moroccan inspired colors (red, orange, turquoise, magenta). Oh yeah, and that's Joey sitting at the island...eating some cereal. 

  Here is another view of the living room. There is our couch and entertainment center. I need some wall decor and an area rug but haven't found much we like yet. Oh, and that is Gimli on top of the DVD rack. 

                            

Another living room view. And there is Fender on his bed. That door behind the sofa is just the coat closet. 

 This is Fender's little corner in the kitchen. I only include this picture because I worked really hard on that sign and want everyone to tell me how awesome it is.

Off of the kitchen is the utility area. There is the storage room which is our pantry/ laundry closet. Soon it will also hold a deep freezer! Yay! To the right is the door to the garage and to the left is the back door. 

And here is the little cubby for the water heater and laundry machines. This also serves as Jiminy's room. 

Here is the backyard! I love our palm tree. My garden will go between it and the shed eventually. And I LOVE our new back fence. It was a dilapidated old chain link fence that was super ugly. Plus, the lady on the other side of the alley has a bajillion dogs that like to bark at Fender and wake up the entire neighborhood. So nice to have some privacy!

                          

And here is the back of the house. We are eventually going to put up one of those pergolas on the patio outside the back door for some extra shade. Also, non-Tucsoners, notice the blue trash can. Not a trash can. Our trash can is a large thing out behind our fence we share with our neighbors. That, my friends, is our recycling bin! Crazy, huh? People here actually recycle. Regularly. The infrastructure supports it well. No more sorting then hauling it all down to the recycling center ourselves! Yay! 

                           

Back inside on the opposite side of the house is the one and only hallway. You can see the front door through the archway there. That is our living room (for perspective). Behind me is the office door and bathroom. 

We have a nice little area in the hallway by the bathroom where we put this dresser/credenza. Since we don't have much storage in the bathroom itself, this holds all of our medicine, spare toilet paper, etc. Great for extra storage. 

Speaking of bathroom, voila! It is small, but it serves it's purpose. We kept all of our red and black decor. I do like the pedestal sink, even though it doesn't provide any storage space. We still need to get a toilet paper holder though! 

                           

This the office. There on the left is my desk and at the back of the room are our bookshelves. We still need curtains for this room but haven't found any that we like. We will probably just end up making some. 

                           

Here is Joey's desk. He has plenty more posters to hang but hasn't quite got them all up yet.

This is the yoga room (and also the room where Joey does his little ab wheel thingy). There is my desk with my yoga books and references, a chest full of props and other work out equipment, and my mats and rugs. I love it. 

Oh, and this is Joey's monkey picture. My mom has the same one in her house, and had a spare, so of course Joey wanted it. 

And finally, this is our room. No, we are not going to get a "real bed". We are perfectly happy with our imaginary one. Also, there is no coverlet because it is hot as Hades right now and we have no need for it. It is folded up in the linen closet. And yes, that tree is painted on the wall. I couldn't find a picture I liked, so I made my own. 

This is my dresser with my antique mirror I repainted. That red pile in the corner is Fender's blankie. That is where he sleeps at night. 

And this is Joey's dresser. Also, we each have our own closet, which is kind of nice. Somehow I got stuck with the one behind the door. 

So that is pretty much the whole house! We didn't have to do much to it. Just some paint on our part. We painted all three bedrooms and the living room a warm terracotta like color, then added the two accent walls in the large living space. We also painted all the white trim and cheap doors a dark chocolate. And yes, we meant to leave the areas on the door streaky. We were going for the rustic/distressed look, which I am pretty sure was invented by a very lazy person not unlike myself. The point is, it is dark, looks great with our other colors, and will not show hand prints or dog slobber. After apartment living, we are over anything white. Then we had the carpet pulled out and laminate flooring put down in all three bedrooms, and that was pretty much it! It was all pretty simple stuff but it looks a lot better.  And in case the pictures didn't do it for you, here is the video tour:

Sorry for the video quality, by the way. We originally made it on my camcorder, but realized we have lost the cord to hook it up to the computer, so we had to do it on the regular digital camera. The better, camcorder version will be added as soon as we get a cord.