Interview with a Dad

   

photo credit: Audria Abney, www.audriaabney.com

     I've noticed that in a lot of the mom groups I participate in online there are lots of questions about fathers- either their perspectives on certain issues or how to navigate relationships with our partners as we all enter into this whole parenthood thing. So I decided to interview a dad and get the low down for myself. I kind of cheated and just interviewed Perrin's dad, my partner Joey, since he is readily accessible and all. I asked him a range of open ended questions about parenting in general and "hot" topics, especially ones I see come up a lot in reference to support and opposition from fathers. So what does this dad think about all things baby? Read on to find out.

What is your favorite thing about being a dad?
     Um...just watching him grow. Watching him learn and do things for the first time and just kind of experience life. That's the big thing- just watching the wonder in his eyes when he sees new things for the first time.

Least favorite thing?
    Um....night's like last night when you're just ready to go to bed and tired, but he's either fighting sleep or...I guess just teething in general. Him being so restless and not going to sleep. Getting frustrated but you can't really do anything about it because it's not like he knows what he's doing or understands what's going on. He's just learning his feelings and asserting himself.

What was pregnancy like from your perspective?
    Quick. Exciting. It was kind of the excitement of the unknown. Just knowing that he was coming and curiosity since we didn't find out what it was, whether it would be a boy or girl. I thought it was kind of neat seeing your [Roxanne's] body change, especially when he started kicking or getting the hiccups. Hiccups were kind of funny. It was just kind of trippy that something was growing inside of you. And also kind of ridiculous how many times you had to pee.

The pregnant female- gross, sexy, or neither?
     I think it's sexy. I think it's pretty cool. Sexy in a maternal way. I don't know, I think it's a really cool transformation. It's usually pretty special- I know not all women see it that way, but...

Post-partum bodies- same question.
     I think it's sexy. I think the whole process is sexy. I don't see it being, detracting from the thing that brought me to you and it makes it that much more special that it's something we share now. You're body might change, but that doesn't change my perception of you.

What was it like to have a wife with PPD?
     It was very hard. Kind of...just reminding myself that you're [Roxanne] not doing it on purpose. Just reminding myself that it will get better.

We had the baby at home, what was that like?
     I thought that was really cool. I don't know, it was just very peaceful. Just, non-stress. Well, not non-stress but reduced stress and less pressure. Just because we were already excited and anxious and stuff, and especially with how long he took, it was nice to just go at our own pace. And it was very freeing. Just that we could go up to campus and go for a walk or go to In N Out for a hamburger. Hell, I went for a run with the dog one morning to settle him down. We had Lia and everyone with us, but we didn't have people disturbing us- poking and prodding you and breathing down our necks saying we need to do this.

What do you think about breastfeeding in general?
    Um...hmmm. Uhh...I think it's ideal. I fee like it's ideal because it's a lot more nutritious than formula, but I also respect that it's the mom's decision. And that she can do it for however long she feels most comfortable doing it. So, like if...I think it's good to be supportive and realize how much it means to the mom to do the breastfeeding stuff and then try and support it as much as you can. Especially in the beginning, because from what I've noticed everyone has trouble in the beginning. Not many people have that wonderful start where baby latches properly and there's no pain. But just that- being supportive in the beginning when it's hard and understanding how much it means to the mom. Like with you- from the beginning I knew how important it was to, so if you wanted to keep going that's fine, but if you really really really wanted to stop I wouldn't have said you can't. Like now, like if you told me tonight that you were tired of it and done I wouldn't say anything to stop you, even though he's not two yet. And even if at two or however many weeks when it was the hardest if you had said "I'm done, I gave it shot and didn't like it" and wanted to switch to formula I would have supported that. That's what I mean, I think it's ideal. I don't think formula is the worst thing in the world, I just don't think it's the best. It's just...different. Not my body, not my call.

...In public?
     I think it's great. I think it's a lot easier than having to worry about covering and peeking on the baby and stuff.  [I clarified that nursing in public includes with a cover] Oh, when you say breastfeeding in public I jump to no cover, just whipping it out. Because I feel like when you are doing it with a cover, you are still breastfeeding in public, but you are hiding the fact that you are breastfeeding in public. So you want to do it, but you don't want other people to know you are doing it, which is fine. I don't really notice, but you know when sometimes I come home and tell you I noticed a woman breastfeeding at the park without a cover just whipping it out...I don't know, it doesn't bother me.

...Around family?
    Heheheh...it's funny. Ha ha haha. Just the differences. Like your mom and them don't care, and my mom doesn't care anymore either. Just kind of the differences, because like...well you did it at Christmas? I don't know, I guess I envisioned my family saying more than they do. It was definitely a conversation before he was born that that was what we were going to do. Just because no one in my family had been around it. I guess one really had in your family either. I guess it's just funny because everyone made a big deal about it in the beginning, but then when you actually did it and they saw it, it wasn't a big deal.

How do you feel about cosleeping?
     Um...I like it and I don't like it. I guess it's kind of like what I said before withe the parts I don't like about being a dad, like when he's not feeling well- which I guess it wouldn't matter if he was in a another room- well, let me rephrase. I guess, it's an acceptable inconvenience until he decides he doesn't want to. Because it doesn't matter if he was in another room or sleeping with us, if he's not feeling well it's not that we would just leave in him in the room by himself all night. So I guess it's just we don't have to walk into another room. I hate how his restless nights keep you from getting any sleep. I really like the nights- I don't mind him sleeping on me or with me- but that's the big thing though I know it's harder for you to sleep at night because he's always wanting to nurse and roll around and stuff. I wish he'd sleep with me more. But if it helps him developmentally and emotionally, it's more of a necessary, an acceptable inconvenience and I'd rather forgo the little bit of extra sleep I'd get.

How did you/do you bond with Perrin?
     Um...I bonded with Perrin through our walks, especially at night and stuff, and through how hard things were in the beginning. But I'd take him on walks for at least 30 minutes at a time, multiple times a day. But through that and me being able to take off from work for that period of time and just kind of hang out at home. Our showers are always fun. And um...yeah, those are the main two I guess.

Babywearing- practical or emasculating?
     Practical. No hesitation. I think everyone should do it.

Is gender neutral parenting weird?
    Uuummmm...Only beyond the point where you feel comfortable. Uhhh...let me see. I get it. And I agree with it to an extent. I feel like with gender neutral stuff there is a spectrum, and I consider myself more in the middle as opposed to the full on everything neutral. That's what I mean by "beyond the point where you feel comfortable" so finding where you are on the spectrum and then anything beyond that is weird...well maybe not weird, but just too much. [I asked for clarification] I fine with everything up to some of the clothing. I'm fine with all the colors and the hair and toys, it doesn't offend me if someone calls him a girl. And I don't like the whole, like um, sexualization of the clothing like the "Heartbreaker" type stuff.

photo credit: Audria Abney, www.audriaabney.com

How do you cope with your and Perrin's penises not matching? [Referring to Perrin being intact and Joey not]
     [Shrugs] I don't think about it. I don't think about it because it's not an issue.

What are your thoughts on gentle discipline?
     I like it. It's definitely a different way of doing it than what I'm used to seeing. I think it's definitely a lot nicer. And I mean, it seems to be just as effective. It might take a little longer because you may not see the immediate results, but it's because it's him learning instead of him just doing it because I'm about to smack the shit out of him. That's about it.

Is cloth diapering really gross?
     No. I'm in charge of the cloth diapers; it's not. I shouldn't say I'm in charge, but I do it mostly. No, I think they're great.

photo credit: Audria Abney, www.audriaabney.com

What are your thoughts about how dad's are portrayed in the media or pop culture? Anything you would like to set straight?
     I don't think there is anything I feel I need to set straight. I think some things are decent and some or more kind of, just a little out there. I feel like I'm not the one to ask this because  I don't pay attention enough or consider things unless it's just blatant. There was that carseat commercial that was a little blatant. Oh, and the football game one that was talking about dad having to watch the game and not...the guy was too busy watching football and couldn't do anything and that was just the center of his life. I thought that was a bit excessive.

What do you think is the most important things for dads or dads-to-be to know?
     Patience and support. Lots and lots of patience and be as supportive as you can.

Any last tips or advice?
    Not at the moment- ask me later [as he cleans up the basket of tea Perrin just dumped all over the kitchen floor].

Check your privilege- Why the Similac Ad is not ok

    *Throws her hat in the ring* I have tried really hard not to weigh in on the whole Similac Ad debacle. Most of the discussions seemed pretty futile and I would hate to be accused of contributing to the supposed "mommy wars" (more on that later) that the commercial pretends to address. But too many of the responses I am seeing by people, both to the ad itself and to the critics of the ad, are extremely problematic. Far be it from me to think I could add to the wealth of perspective and insight that is already out there on the topic, but I feel like I need to speak my truth on this one. Ahem...

      No one cares how you fed your baby. Maybe somewhere somehow there is some nosy person who cares, but why do YOU care? If you are comfortable with your decision, then why get upset over what someone else thinks? I can assure you- I do not care.

I don't care if you breastfed for 12 years, 2 years, or two days. I don't care if you didn't breastfeed at all. I don't care if you didn't because of a medical condition or because you were worried about how you would look in your bikini. All I care is that you had a choice in the matter and then did with your body how you saw fit. 

    So kindly get over yourself. It's not about you. It's not about your choice. It's not about choices at all. The things wrong with this ad have nothing to do with mothers. At all. Stop being self centered for two seconds and take a minute to look beyond your own knee jerk emotional response to this ad and any critiques around it. Step back for one goddamn second and actually LISTEN to what people are trying to say, because it has almost nothing to do with you. 

    The idea that somehow criticizing a formula company is attacking mothers or being judgmental is not only myopic, it's steeped in privilege. By the virtue of being able to access a computer to watch that ad, you are probably in place where using formula is a viable option. While there are and will always be risks and costs to using formula, it's a pretty safe bet that you can expect your infant to thrive while being exclusively formula fed. That is not the case for everyone and by dismissing this discussion as being one of preference and not one of health and access, you are completely ignoring a population of moms in the U.S. and a huge portion of moms world wide who have much more at stake in the conversation.
    There are women who cannot afford formula. There are women who cannot afford enough formula, so they water it down or cut it with other substances. There are woman who do not have a way to safely prepare the formula so as not to contaminate it with dangerous germs. There are children who live in less sanitary conditions or have less access to healthcare and are especially at risk without the protection of breastmilk. By acting like choosing formula over breastmilk is like choosing pancakes over waffles, you are completely overlooking all of the people less fortunate than yourself that have a much higher stake in this discussion. You are crying over your perceived "persecution" for you parenting choices because someone said something unkind to you on the internet. Woman across the world are crying over their sick and dying children. Take a seat.

     Now companies like Similac are not single handedly responsible for these situations, but they sure ain't helping. It's no secret that formula companies directly target mothers who intend to exclusively breastfeed. They offer "breastfeeding support", "free" samples, and heavy handed marketing. And you better believe it works, because they would not be shelling out the money if it didn't. In fact, take a second to think about why they shelled out the money for the commercial we are talking about. In other places, their influence is even more direct. It is not uncommon for formula reps in lower income countries to dress in white coats and wear stethoscopes while making house visits to talk about the "health benefits" of formula and leave samples. Formula companies are so intensive and so unethical in their marketing that the World Health Organization has an official Code for the Marketing of Breastmilk Substitutes. Millions of children die every year because they are improperly fed, and Similac and other companies purposefully misinform mothers to make a profit.
     And it is not as if these practices don't have a cost, even here. The price of formula itself is astronomical for many families. All of those "free" samples that are given in the mail and through hospitals come at a price. And Similac is netting some impressive profits. It's not as if these companies are non-profit entities dedicated to feeding children. In fact, many of the improvements in formula over the years have been due to discussions such as these that highlight the many shortcomings of artificial infant feeding. Discussions that Similac would label as silly women bickering.

    But the ad in question ignores all of this. And what is worse, it disguises the issues by belittling parenting decisions and discussions and labeling them as petty, catty "mommy wars". It dismisses important conversations that we all need to be having for the benefit of breastfeeding and formula feeding mothers. And then acts like it is doing us a favor by lifting us all up. Should we all be kind to each other? Absolutely. Does that mean we have to agree on everything? Or that we can't have in depth discussions about the consequences of each others choices? Not at all.
   But that is not what Similac tells us. They are saying quite blatantly that we should be too self-absorbed to consider the wider implications of infant feeding. They are encouraging us to focus on what they tell us is personal judgement while at the same time sweeping their own accountability under the rug. And they are doing it all on the backs of the millions of children and women in the world who pay the toll- sometimes the ultimate toll- for this type of marketing and these types of products. And that is why, no matter how warm and fuzzy the message may seem, I cannot get excited about the Similac ad. I refuse to pretend that a company that profits billions at the expense of both formula feeding and breastfeeding mothers and their children really just wants us all to sing Kumbaya. I'm not buying it.

Virtue as the Mean

     About a week ago I found this article in the Washington Post. It is the experience of one woman, a self-described "physician, teacher, and health policy researcher" while having her baby in a hospital. She details the immense pressure she felt to have a high intervention birth and almost a cesarean section despite her wishes to have a low intervention birth. The big take away from the article, at least from my perspective, was the danger lay women face in the delivery room given the adversity this woman of medicine had to confront in her own labor. At one point she mentions consulting with several other M.D.s of various backgrounds in order to advocate for herself and her child. While I thought the article was an insightful and pointed statement about maternity wards, the larger cultural commentary came from the vary first comment that showed below the article itself. I normally avoid the comment section like the plague but happened to catch this one as it was the only comment at the time. I didn't feel like wading back through that trash to get a direct quote, so I will paraphrase. The commentator basically said "Shame on you" to the mother. She was doctor. Apparently she should have known better and advocated for herself more. If she felt pressured it was her own fault for letting herself get into that situation.
    This is not the first time I've heard this argument. It actually comes up quite a bit. Women share their stories of abuse and mistreatment during their births, and they are blamed. It is there fault for not being more prepared, more educated, more anticipatory of the events. It's their fault for relying on doctors. It's their fault for not taking responsibility in their own care. It's their fault, period. I find these arguments confusing for several reasons. One is because there seems to be very few other specialized fields where consumers are expected to have expertise. Most people who go to a mechanic can't build their own engine. Most people who go to a gourmet restaurant can't cook French cuisine. This is also a huge issue of privilege- assuming that someone who is already paying a professional to perform a service also has the time and resources to teach themselves the ins and outs of the field and be independently educated on the topic. Is assuming that someone trained in healthcare and beholden to the hippocratic oath will provide adequate care really that far of a leap?
     But another thing about this idea of "it's your fault for not educating and self-advocating" is that it's bullshit. Because women who do all those things above- who prepare and seek out education and information and participate in their care- aren't treated any better a lot of  the time. They are labeled as pushy. As non-compliant. Demanding. Relying on Dr. Google. Buying into psuedo-science. Believing everything they read on the internet. They are accused of being selfish and even worse, of not valuing their child's life and health. These women have been dropped as patients by their doctors and had CPS and police called on them. They have been dragged into the OR against their will. Laboring women have been put in handcuffs.
    Apparently, there is a delicate balance to be found for a laboring women. She should be educated, but not questioning. Responsible but yielding. She should stick up for herself, but not to the point of stepping on the toes of the almighty gods in white coats. It's not surprising then, that so many women fall short of the virtuous mean. For me personally, I will always recommend erring on the side of education and empowerment. However, I think there is an alternative.

   What if, just for shits and giggles, we entertain the idea that maybe, just maybe, the birthing women     aren't the problem?

   What if maternity care in the U.S. is intrinsically flawed?

   What if the entire healthcare system is set up to thrive on profit driven by disease and trauma?

   What if the field of obstetrics was never intended to cater to the masses?

   What if our view of womanhood and motherhood is deeply ingrained in the patriarchy?

   What if profit drives care more than science and research?

   What if convenience is more sought after than health?

   What if we knew that the U.S. funnels more money into maternity care than any other developed         nation but has the absolute worst results?

    Maybe that is where all of  these people should be pointing the blame. But instead we invent these "mommy wars" and blame some women for being too informed and blame others for being too compliant and once again place that ever-tantalizing image of the perfect (birthing) woman on a pedestal for everyone to collectively emulate. All the while, ignoring the real problem of a deeply entrenched system that as it exists now is set up to undermine evidenced-based care. Education and advocacy gives women a fighting chance. It is the kevlar that they wear when they walk into the war-zone of the current maternity care system. But it is not a guarantee that they will come out unscathed, anymore than blindly following someone across the battle field with your eyes shut and fingers crossed. What we need is a collective cease-fire. A real, open and honest peace talk about how we got to the place where battle was a useful metaphor for childbirth. But as long as women are spending all their time and energy attempting to find the balance between advocating for themselves and being polite, no one is addressing the core issues. No one is trying to fix the problem if we are all too busy arguing about how to adapt to it.

 

The Most Challenging Practice

    January each year is a bit of anniversary for me. January is the month I began my journey with my yoga practice. It was supposed to just be a simple "Yay! My last semester of undergrad; I'm going to reward myself with a fun class." And yet here I am five years later, still sweating it out on my mat. That college class ended in May, but I found classes in the community. And then I started attending workshops. And then I completed teacher training and became a registered yoga teacher. I taught my own classes for a year before Perrin came along. In fact, I taught right up until 2 weeks before Perrin was born.

   I have had some hard yoga classes. I have had teachers completely kick my ass. I have left limping and sore and feeling like I was hit by a truck because I rode my edge to my utmost ability and used muscles I didn't know I had. I regularly practiced Ashtanga, which if you are unfamiliar with is a pretty badass (yet completely accessible, not trying to scare anyone) practice. I attended some intense workshops and training. But it wasn't until recently, on the eve of my five year yoga-versary, that I began the hardest practice I have ever attempted.

   Before Perrin (a time frame measure I regularly use nowadays), when I practiced yoga, I practiced yoga. I attended led classes with incredible teachers. When I did my ashtanga practice, I did the full 90 minute primary series. I had a room in our house devoted as my own private shala. I did yoga right. And it felt good. Because that is part of my baggage that I am just now noticing. I have to do things right. Do them completely. Do them at least 100%. Because to not do it perfectly is to not do it at all. Or so my "rules" led me to believe. So you know what happened? I stopped practicing all together. And when I tried, it was only if I could make it to a led class.

   The thing about making it to a led class is  that generally yoga studios have classes at regular times. There is a start time, and a stop time. And it's at a place. That you have to get to by the start time. And when you have a Perrin, it's incredibly difficult. So my practice became more and more sporadic. And I started to put it off and avoid my sad neglected yoga mat because I knew the mat would feel SO GOOD and then I would feel SO BAD because I wasn't giving it (and myself) the time and attention it (and I) deserved.

   But like I mentioned in my last post, I'm starting to really take a look at my "rules" and challenge some of them. And I know, in my head, that some practice really is better than no practice. Even if it's only 15 minutes. Even if it's in our cluttered office surrounded by bunch of junk. On a mat covered in cracker crumbs. While Perrin's voice carries over Jai Uttal's and my cat somehow repeatedly MacGyver's the door open. And so I've committed to getting back into it. To practicing 6 days a week, no matter what each day's practice looks like. And it is the hardest thing I have ever done. It's hard not to judge myself. To say I slacked off or didn't do enough. To lament where I could be if I did more. To resent the fact that I just can't do more right now. It's hard to not do it "right". To not be "perfect". It is so, so fucking hard to accept my present and be at peace in it. So this takes the cake. Not the days of back to back teacher training; not the intense workshops; not demoing bakasana into tripod headstand while 36 weeks pregnant. Doing yoga- practicing real, truthful, compassionate yoga- is the most challenging practice I have ever attempted.

Head Shrinking

    You may have seen in our last Perrin update that Joey and I have begun some new and fairly intense therapy work. I wanted to share a little bit about that as it has been immensely eye opening and beneficial. It all started when Joey decided that maybe we should get divorced. Remember that post about how we talk pretty openly about that kind of thing? Something just wasn't feeling right for either of us, but we didn't know what it was. So we decided to do some couples and individual counseling and then reassess our family situation. Spoiler alert- we figured out that "we" weren't the problem. At least, the together "we". Our relationship in and of itself isn't really the issue. What is the issue is each of our relationships with ourselves. Let me explain-

     We found a fantastic therapist who we see individually and then together as a couple. What she is having us work on is digging down into who we are and why we are that way and what needs to change for us to live healthy functioning lives. We have done some therapy/counseling work in the past, but it mostly centered on tools to deal with our individual quirks and issues. The therapy we are doing now is getting down to the core of who we are. What are thoughts are and where those thoughts come from and how they affect our lives and interactions. This has been the most mind blowing part for me. You don't realize how much of you take for granted when it comes to who you are. You just assume "that's the way things are" or "that's just who I am", when in reality a lot of that is baggage that you have accumulated and learned through out your life. These lessons and experiences overtime shape our thoughts about things, and those thought trigger emotions, and then those emotions affect our behavior and actions. So what we think is a simple X occurs and I do Y, is actually much more layered and nuanced. Something may occur, and that "data" gets filtered through our complex systems of thoughts and emotions and when it is played out in our behavior may not look at all related to the original stimulus. Because a lot of the times it's not. 

    Here is an example- I had been wanting to get the garage door fixed for a while. It's been broken for about a year and it's a pain in the ass to drag our bikes and things through the house instead of just opening the garage door. At some point I asked Joey about getting it fixed and he kind of just didn't really say much. He didn't say yes. Well this came up in our couples therapy as Joey suggested spending money on something and I was upset because I would rather have spent the money getting the garage door fixed. Our counselor asked Joey why we couldn't fix the garage and his response was "I don't know; I guess I just never thought about it." So she asked me, had I told him that I wanted it fixed? I told her about the time I asked and that I never really got a response. So her question to me was, why didn't I ask or bring it up again? Maybe Joey just didn't realize it mattered since I only mentioned it the one time. This was a huge learning moment for me. My reaction- "But I asked and didn't get my answer, so it's over. That was the end of the conversation about the garage." See, I didn't realize until that conversation that I have some sort of "rule" in my head that you can only ask for things once. The answer you get is the answer you get and that is that. To ask again is rude and disrespectful and nagging and annoying.  So I was feeling bummed about the garage because Joey didn't understand that it was important to me (which "made" me feel unimportant) and I felt like I was powerless to do anything about it because I used up my one asking time and that was that. So I felt sad and frustrated and angry all because of this completely imaginary and arbitrary rule that I picked up from somewhere. But in reality (objective reality, not the reality in my head), Joey was perfectly fine getting the garage fixed once he understood that I cared a lot about it. We even decided to go ahead with the skylight I had been talking about, too. 

    The lessons get even more nuanced and layered than the above example, but you can see how these "rules" and thought and emotions we have cloud our relationships with others and ourselves. Another big part of it is esteem. Learning to have true self-esteem. That you are worthwhile and valuable simply because you exist. That was mind blowing for me as well. So I am working really hard on learning how to voice my thoughts and advocate for myself, and to stop censoring myself for the perceived comfort for others. That is the other big lesson for me so far- I am not responsible for other people's feelings. And other people are not responsible for mine. I don't have to "let" others "make" me feel bad. That is their own issues about their own thoughts and emotions and realities and doesn't have anything to do with me. And I don't have to worry about "making" other people feel bad. I am learning to have a healthy emotional boundary where my reality is protected from other people and is also free to be expressed. 

    Anyway, maybe all of this seems really obvious to you. But even really simple things- like asking for something more than once- never ever occurred to me. Because my reality was built where those things weren't options. So now I am learning to be more aware of my thoughts and emotions so that I can examine the validity of them and decide whether or not I should hold onto to those ideas or whether they are just baggage that I need to discard. If you are interested more in the things we are learning about, feel free to chat with me about it. We have been reading through a books and listening to workshops by Pia Mellody, who does a lot of work on codependence, which is essentially the issues that I talked about above as well as many other common problems. Basically it's learning to how to take of yourself as a functioning adult- recognizing your wants and needs and getting them met with the help of others. It's very interesting stuff and I'm amazed by how much I notice these mechanisms at work around me now. It's also been incredibly valuable for parenting purposes. It really helps you be aware of what "rules" you are instilling in your children. 

Cheers!

Perrin 1.5

Smunchie Face is now 18 months old. 18 whole months since he came earth side. This feels like the last milestone before we just start sticking to years. A lot has happened in the last 6 months. I have started working part time. We started using a babysitter occasionally. Joey and I have started a new and exciting journey of growth through some intensive therapy. So what is 18 month old Perrin like? Well….

He is very communicative, though he is still not incredibly verbal. He has several words, but his annunciation is so that a person on the street probably wouldn’t recognize any of them. However, he also signs a lot.

Among his verbal words are: llama, giraffe, turtle, puppy dog, kitty cat, fishy, yum, snack, other side, no, um-hmm, please, cheese, night night, bye, high five, Mama, Daddy, Granddaddy, Mimi, Gigi, Diggle, chicken, duck, cow, rhino, dinosaur, teeth, eyes, nose, toes, owl.

He signs: More, please, thank you, elephant, bird, duck, chicken, frog, pig, cat, hot, giraffe, sad, help, hurt, outside, all done, plane, hard, potty, happy.

Speaking of potty- this kid is freaking teaching himself all about the potty. Potty learning was not even near being on my radar. We have done very relaxed/part time style elimination communication since he was about 8 months old. He has known what the potty is and what it’s for and used it off and on since then. But lately he will tell me before he pees and ask to use the potty. In the past week there has been a couple days when his diapers were mostly dry for the day. It seems surreal that diaper laundry might soon be in our (well, Joey’s) past.

He still nurses like a champ. Some days less than others, but he loves his milkies. And yes, he still nurses at night. But luckily he is also still in our bed with us, so I remain pretty oblivious to most of his night time snacking. I feel like 6 months to about 14 months was a really good stride for nursing. We had figured things out for the most part and it felt easy and was relaxed. It’s still easy, but now we are navigating toddlerisms like setting personal boundaries and using respectful manners (i.e. “milk please” or “other side” instead of “AAAAHAHHHHHHHH!!!!” and clawing at my shirt). Also, as his mouth changes and he slowly (oh so slowly…) gets more teeth, his latch goes through stages of being fairly uncomfortable.

So. Many. Feels. Huge, terrifying explosive feelings trapped inside a tiny toddler body. Oh my goodness. But he’s learning to recognize them in himself and others and can identify happy and sad.

Favorites:

Book: Nose and Toes, Animals Everywhere, Farm Book

Music: Shake it Off, the new Foo Fighters, Godsmack, the princess potty at Target

Animal: Llamas, otters, and rhinos.

Toy: Blocks, train, puzzles, balls

Activity: Swinging, anything with water, reading books, throwing stuff

Food: Cheese, apples, green beans, broccoli, yogurt, mandarin oranges, bananas.

Dislikes: the carseat, being stung by bees, fake Cheerios

Stats:

Height: About 35 inches

Weight: 28 lbs. even

Eyes: Bright blue

Hair: White blonde

Teeth: 8 (all the incisors)

Shoe size: 7

Clothing size: 2T

Other fun tidbits- Perrin has started to do some imaginative play. He will feed his toys and make smacking sounds. He likes to help me cook and has gotten really good at cutting veggies and mushrooms with a butter knife. He also loves getting his nails trimmed and painted. I swear it’s the only time this kid will sit still. He can climb the ladders on the playground all by himself and now he sits on the big kid swing, too. He can almost jump, but doesn’t quite get both feet of the ground. He is really, really into high-fives. Like, we have to high-five all the mannequins we walk by in a store. He’s a pretty cool kid. 

The D

No, not that D. This is a post about divorce. Before you freak out and call me (Mom....), no, Joey and I aren't getting a divorce. This is a post about divorce as an institution, nothing personal. Speaking of not taking things personally, a quick disclaimer:

   I almost didn't write this because I'm sure someone out there in the world will take it the wrong way. I hate offending people and I hate the possibility that somewhere out there in the universe someone is mad at me. But what I hate more is feeling like I have no voice- that I'm constantly silencing myself for other's convenience. So in an act of self-care and therapeutic catharsis, I'm going to speak my truth. You (that is, those "you"s who feel the need to act as if everyone is living AT you) need to either kindly get the fuck over yourself or skip this post. Me sharing my thoughts and experience does not equal me judging people with different thoughts or experiences. Disagree with every word in this post? Cool. That's why we are two different people. There is no need to explain to me why my experience does not apply to you or in what situations it would be completely different or the importance of another perspective. This is my perspective; that's it. I'm not giving relationship advice or claiming to have any sort of answers. So onto the actual post...

   Even though I'm not giving advice or anything, I feel like I should be upfront about my personal experiences with divorce. My parents divorced when I was a year old and I myself have been divorced. My first marriage lasted a whopping 18 months. So if you want to get psychoanalytical about things and dissect the rest of this post with that in mind, go for it. I'm not pretending that these past experiences don't have any affect on my thoughts and beliefs about the subject.

 So why I am writing about divorce anyway? It's honestly pretty random. I see a variety of Facebook memes about all sorts of things and that includes divorce. I have seen a few along the lines of "Back in the day.." or "For my grandparents" attesting to how much more wonderful the institution of marriage was before divorce became more prevalent. I also see a lot of memes along the lines of "We don't throw away something broken, we fix it" and "First marriage is the only marriage". So these two types of sentiments, which I will address separately, get me thinking sometimes. Joey and I have discussed them and seem to be in agreement about the ideas in general and our own thoughts on divorce. So I'll start by addressing the two specific things I mentioned, and then also more general ideas.

"Back in the Day"
     Ok, so yeah, there used to be less divorce. But that doesn't mean that divorce is inherently bad AND more importantly, that doesn't mean marriages were necessarily better. There were women who were stuck in horribly abusive relationships, children stuck in abusive or otherwise unhealthy families, and families of people who were absolutely miserable. Are there people who overuse divorce or don't take marriage seriously? Well yeah, but why do you care? My thoughts on divorce are similar to those on abortion- if you don't like it, don't get one.

"Don't give up, just fix it!"
   I am by no means advocating that you not put time and effort into marriage. It is super hard sometimes and that means putting in 110% and pushing the boulder up hill and all those other metaphors. I get that. But you know how on Hoarders, half of the house is full of broken junk and every time the host is like "Hey, how about you throw out this broken thing?" the Hoarder always responds with "But I can fix it!!!!!"....? Yeah, my feelings are kind of like that. Sure, you can hypothetically fix whatever. You can painstakingly super glue a shattered windshield back together piece by piece if you really want to. Or melt it down and reform it, even. The point is- we all know damn well that Hoarder isn't going to fix shit. Having the potential to fix something doesn't mean it's going to get fixed and there is a good chance you could just spend your entire life lugging around broken trash. I think some people can legitimately recognize when they are delaying the inevitable and just need to let something go. And I don't think that is a bad thing.

   So another general thing that I have noticed is the fact that divorce is still very much a taboo. Liz Taylor and other celebrities aside, we still have a lot of socio-cultural baggage surrounding divorce. This really hits home for me in the number of relationship help columns, books, and articles (as well as some personal accounts) that state simply uttering the word 'divorce' is bad for a marriage. The "it can never be taken back" superstition around the word divorce is slightly confusing to me. I mean, I get that for some people (for either religious of philosophical reasons), they don't consider divorce an option. But if leaving isn't an option, then staying isn't either.

  Which brings me to Joey and I's general agreement about divorce and it's place in our marriage (interesting concept, huh?). We most certainly want divorce to be an option. We want it to have a place in our discussions about our relationship and our family. We recognize that for some people, having separate parents creates a healthier overall family. And we acknowledge that we don't want the other person to be miserable. Neither of us hold any particular religious or philosophical beliefs that would preclude divorce. Finally, we want to know that if we are in this, if we are still together, it is because we absolutely without a shadow of a doubt want to be. Not because we feel guilty about leaving or because we are scared of what people will say. So we talk about divorce a lot. When we are having rough spots in our marriage (which is a lot now that Perrin is here), we talk about it. Do you think it would be better if we had time apart? Do we need space? Are we at the end of this road? Do we need to rethink our family and relationship? And so far, the answers have been decidedly, No. We like where we are at. It is hard. It sucks sometimes. But we still both want to be here. But if one of us ever answers yes, it will be in a safe place. Because there is an understanding that we are both open and committed to whatever family arrangement is best for all three of us. And sometimes that includes divorce. And that can be okay. And that we are willing to sacrifice our marriage for our family and our relationship. I am thankful for that.

  So when I see some of those memes with those cute little quips about divorce and the sanctity of marriage, I smile- because I know that divorce has a place in our marriage. And I know that that statement probably horrifies some people. But for Joey and I, it brings us comfort. Because we want to be stuck together. And we want to want it.