Sit down and buckle up, because I have a story about the vacation from hell. It's been a hot second since I posted anything, because life, but this is too good not to share in detail. We started out with a simple premise- we would take a family vacation to Denver for spring break. Nothing too extravagant- I would have work on Monday and Tuesday, so just a few days. Maybe see the city, check out Rocky Mountain National Park, go snowboarding. It's only an 8 hour drive. We found a great AirBnB in the city. Your basic family roadtrip. We booked everything about 6 weeks in advance- it is spring break, after all. Then we settled in and anticipated our first vacation in 4 years that wasn't for family or Joey's work.
Blizzard. Cyclone. Or some combination of those words. A big ass storm that was supposed to sweep across the Rockies the afternoon we got into Denver. We talked it over and Joey put forth the game plan- instead of leaving at 9-ish like we planned to, we get up super early and beat the storm to Denver. Then we'd at least be there and settled in a could wait out the storm. As soon as the city got going again, we'd be ready to go. Brilliant. Done. I was a *little* pissed about being woken up at the crack of dawn (before that, actually), but whatever. Let's do this. I was expecting to start my period, and sure enough, voila! But I'm prepared so I gulp down a handful of ibuprofen and stuff a bunch of tampons in my suitcase. As we are loading the car I wolfed down a bowl of cereal and asked Perrin what he wanted for breakfast. He said he wasn't hungry yet. Cool, it's about an hour earlier than he usually wakes up. No biggie. I told him he could eat in the car later. This would prove to be a fatal mistake.
We drop off the dog, get on the road, and are all set to get into Denver half an hour before shit gets real. Then, Joey realizes he forgot his ski coat. His brand new ski coat, that bought specifically for this trip. Ugh. But I'm pretty sure you can rent them, so whatev. He mentions REI, but the why the hell am I going to buy you a ski coat when we just bought you a ski coat? An hour into it, Perrin says his stomach hurts. Ok, how about a granola bar? Nope, doesn't sound good. I try to explain that being in the car on an empty stomach makes me feel car sick, so eating might help. No go. Cool, whatever. We have to stop for gas soon anyway. About half an hour later we hear (see) the song (sign) of the Siren and Joey fills up the car while Perrin and I hit up Starbucks. He picks out a juice box (special treat, but it is vacation), a banana, and a croissant. Kid lives for croissants. I grab my coffee. We get in the car. He eats it all, as he is wont to do, and everything is peachy keen. We're making great time.
And then it happens. He tells me his stomach hurts. He feels like he's going to throw up. I suggest a piece of peppermint gum and as I hand it back to him, it happens. A fountain of vomit. I don't understand digestive physics, but that was way more than the total volume of the juice, banana, and croissant that went in. And of course, because car safety, he's strapped in. Chest clip on nipples and straps pass the pinch test. He can't lean, he can't wiggle, he's completely immobile. We could have rolled our car and landed in a ditch and he would have been fine. But what he could not do was lean over or in anyway direct the spew of puke coming out of his body. His lap, the car seat, the car, the floor, the seat in front of him. My god, so much vomit. Luckily we were at an exit. Joey pulls off and we stop at the some podunk gas station. I go in and buy paper towels, Febreeze, which gives me migraines but isn't vomit, some trash bags, and a Big Gulp cup. Joey takes Perrin to the bathroom. It took us an hour to get to any semblance of recovery. Everything smelled. Everything was damp. But the mess was mostly relegated to a trash bag and we were able to get going, Perrin holding the Big Gulp in his lap just in case.
Only now we were an hour behind. Which meant the storm was going to beat us to Denver. So I did what any sane, definitely not anxiety ridden person would do and booked a hotel at every small town between the state line and Denver and just canceled them as we passed. Limon, Co. That's how far we got when we caught up to the storm. We barely made it to our hotel after stopping by a grocery for microwavable burritos for dinner. We got settled, I started laundry with all the pukey stuff. Perrin got to swim. Everything was going at least ok. We had a chance to regroup. And then ya'll- the mother fucking power went out.
You guys, I like camping. I don't like camping when I'm trying to wash puke laundry and it's 4 degrees outside with 50 mph winds. But we were inside. So there was that. We hoped it would come back on quickly, like a flicker. It did not. At some point, we resigned ourselves to the fact it wasn't coming back on any time soon. So I had the luxury of going and scooping our laundry out of the vomit and detergent soup it was sitting in in the washing machine. I put Perrin's car seat and all the padding in the shower and washed it best I could (Yes, Debra, I know about car seat cleaning and safety and fire retardants but jesus christ there was SO MUCH VOMIT and I will never regret my decision). No way to thaw our burritos, so we ate our car snacks for dinner. And the the sun set and we all went to bed at 7.
By some miracle, they got the power back on over night. Roads were still closed for most of the day, but at least we could shower, finish the laundry, all that good stuff. So we just got to hang out at the hotel for another 8 hours. Luckily, they had a pool. So of course Perrin thought the vacation was off to great start. And Joey and I didn't necessarily mind. It was more that we are always trying to find adventure and I think it came on a little strong this time around and I'd really just like to dial it back a bit? BUT THE LESSON HERE IS THAT WE WOULD HAVE MADE IT IF I HAD INSISTED ON PERRIN EATING BEFORE GETTING IN THE CAR AND LIKE A CAR SICK BUTTERFLY, THOSE WINGBEATS HAVE REVERBERATED THROUGH OUR ENTIRE VACATION. MAKE YOUR CHILDREN EAT BREAKFAST, PEOPLE!
But the roads finally opened, we got to Denver easy peasy, and the most of the afternoon with a trip to the aquarium. To top it all off, we finished up with dinner at the Broadway Market, which has a self-serve beer bar. Need I say more? The AirBnb (did I mention they had also lost power?) got the power back on before we arrived. So now I get to relax in a room that smells 0% like vomit, take a hot shower, and sleep without worrying about us all dying from hypothermia. Cheers!
