The Weaning Post

    It's been about a month and a half since Perrin last nursed. He did ask a few days ago, and I responded with "I didn't think we were doing that anymore; you haven't nursed in a long time." He immediately started talking about something else. I think we are done. While it is a little weird and little sad that I am done breastfeeding, I am really excited. I was so ready to be done. Our nursing relationship was everything I could have hoped it would be, save the trouble in the beginning. I made it to my goal of a minimum of two years and letting Perrin decide when he was done. Perrin was fed completely from my body for his nine months in utero, and 7 months on the outside, and continued to receive nourishment from me until exactly three years old. And I was able to donate somewhere around 2,500 ounces of milk to other babies. So in honor of me being officially done with breastfeeding for the rest of my life, I want to do a quick review of our journey with some major highlights and favorite moments.

In The Beginning

Photo credit: Audria Abney Photography

    Perrin was born; he came to my chest. He wasn't much interested in nursing at that exact moment, and I needed some additional medical attention, so he went straight to Joey for about a half hour after he was born, then came back to me. We snuggled into bed, he latched, and nursed for about a half hour. Thus began our nursing journey. Within two days I was in a lot of pain and by the state of my nipples it was obvious something was wrong. Perrin was gaining extremely well, only losing 4 ounces and being back up over his birth weight by one week. We saw midwives and doctors and lactation consultants. Everyone had a lot of good ideas, but there was no silver bullet. But Perrin was gaining, breastfeeding was "working" in that sense, and I new if we figured it out, we'd be golden. So we kept trying. We used pumps, an SNS, compresses, gel pads, and all number of apparatuses in the beginning trying to get a handle on the problem. We slept in 45 minute increments for a few weeks, staying up 30-60 minutes in between trying to get a good feed. In the mean time, I was diagnosed with PPD. As part of my treatment we started going to parent and baby groups as well as La Leche League meet ups, and it all helped immensely. We struggled with two bouts of mastitis, a raging case of oversupply and an extremely forceful letdown. And at 9 weeks, the pain was gone, the night feeds were done lying in bed, and we found our groove.

First plane trip around 3 months

Adventures Nursing in Public

     One of my earliest vivid nursing memories is the first time I tried to nurse in public. I was averse to the idea of using a cover, as normalizing breastfeeding was very important to me. But Perrin was only about 6 days old, I was engorged and leaking, and it took a lot of work to get him on the breast. So when I sat down on the bench at the mall to nurse, I threw a blanket over my shoulder. He wouldn't latch. I was spraying milk everywhere, I couldn't get him positioned right, random employees from a nail salon were asking questions about his name and age and whatnot. And I couldn't deal. So I cried, and I went to the nursing room. And there I sat, under bright fluorescent lights, in an uncomfortable chair, in a tiny closet sized room all by myself. And I cried. This was supposed to be a village. This knowledge was supposed to be passed down through generations, perfected by women all around me who had done it all before. And I was in a room by myself. That was the one and only time I used a cover or a nursing room.

Upside down yoga snack

#NOL #nurseoutlout

     After that, we got more coordinated and got more practice in and became NIP pros. We nursed while hiking, while shopping, while doing housework. We nursed walking the dog, watching movies, chatting with friends and family. We've nursed at rock concerts (even back stage at Slipknot), Cons, and sporting events. We've nursed while swimming, while relaxing on the beach, and at grad student parties. I loved not having to pack a bag to go somewhere. The food went with us no matter what; we just had to jump in the car and go. Being able to feed Perrin anytime, anywhere with no fuss or preparation was one of my favorite things about nursing.

Beach snack

Watching Godsmack at KFMA Day

Park Snack

Zoo snack

Nursing Goten at Tucson Comicon

Waiting to meet Corey Taylor with all the other metal heads. 

Reaping the Rewards
     My other favorite thing about nursing was the health and comfort benefits it afforded us.  For me, nursing lowers my risks of different types of cancers and some later chronic illness. It also delayed my cycle for 17 months, which I consider a hella win! For Perrin, it gave him an awesome immune boost, provided tons of excellent nutrients that he needed, got him through illness and oral surgery and numerous bumps and scrapes. It was an instant comfort for him in times of fear and stress. He has a lower risk of obesity, asthma, gastro-intestinal illness, some childhood cancers, and food allergies because he was breastfeed. He's only been sick twice in his three years- one upper respiratory infection and one stomach bug. And of course, it was amazing to see that I could feed all 9lb 14 oz of him and watch him gain so well. He was in the 90th percentiles for his entire first year.

A Word About Support
     It's damn near crucial. I'm sure some people can make it work on their own, but I know I couldn't have. Joey is the sole reason I was able to successfully nurse. He was on the phone calling doctors and lactation counselors, he was on the computer reading articles and watching videos. He stayed up with me for every feeding. He went to the baby groups and La Leche Leagues. He shooed people off when they mentioned giving up, and he never for one second seemed to doubt that we were going to do this. I joke that he would make a wonderful IBCLC because he has so much knowledge and can troubleshoot a latch with the best of them!

   If it wasn't for him and all the mom groups we went to where I was able to see other women nursing and ask for tips and advice and experiences, I wouldn't have been able to do it. I cannot stress enough how important having support is, and that begins in pregnancy! This is coming from someone who swore they would never breastfeed, until of course I actually did my research preparing for having a baby. I read books and blogs and watched documentaries and spent way too much time on the internet. But having that knowledge and semi-realistic expectations was what allowed me to prepare for and deal with the problems we did end up having.

The End
    It was my goal to make until at least 2 years old (the recommended age by the AAP) and then allow Perrin to decide when he was done. I ended up being a little more hands on with the weaning process than I intended to be, but overall we met our goals. After a one year, he was still nursing much more than I had expected, but I knew that it was still within the realm of normal and I really didn't want to make any adjustments. While some kids handle limits on nursing fine, for others it initiates weaning and I didn't want to compromise our two year goal. But after two years, I developed a nursing aversion- where you have a negative physiological and/or psychological reaction to nursing. I'm not sure if it was because I had reached my goal and felt "done" or if it was just coincidence, but around 26 months we began toying around with some adjustments to our nursing.
     I was hoping to reduce frequency and night wean (no longer nurse him during the night), but he wasn't very receptive to either. However, I found reducing the length of our nursing sessions went over well, so we went with that. I'd allow him to nurse whenever he wanted, but we generally nursed for less than a minute, except at nap and before bed. Then around 28 months, he slept though the night for the first time. He didn't do it consistently, but I used that as a cue to move on with the weaning process.
    By 30 months, he was more receptive to me reducing the number of nursing sessions. We began nursing only before and after nap and before and after night sleep, making exceptions for boo-boos or other stressful situations. He still asked to nurse during the night, but less often and it was about 50/50 whether or not I could get him to go to back to sleep without. From then on, he completely took over the weaning process.

18 months

   He started dropping our nursing sessions- first the morning, then before and after nap so by the end he was only nursing before bed. He also began sleeping through the night more consistently and not asking to nurse even when he did wake. By about 34 months, he would sometimes go several days in between nursing. We took family pictures before his birthday and I realized half way through it was the first time we wouldn't be taking nursing pictures. I thought about asking him if he wanted to try only to realize it would have been impossible for me to nurse in my dress. We were already at the point where it wasn't part of our everyday. He asked to nurse about two days before his third birthday and I managed to get a quick picture. At this point he was averaging about a week in between, so I was surprised when asked again just two days later. But it was his birthday, so I didn't mind. That was the last time he nursed.

The last nursing picture ever taken, his second to last nursing session. 

    So while it is a little sad to realize that that part of my life is over, it makes it so much easier knowing how much all of our hard work and dedication paid off and what a huge part it was in Perrin's infancy and toddlerhood. Nursing is by far the hardest thing I have ever done and I am damn proud to have done it.

Let's All Be Careful

      I have a really good friend, and when I was at a particularly trying and confusing point in my life, he gave me some really good advice.

     "Be really fucking careful."

     Good advice, and I try to remember it from time to time. And now, I'm sharing it with you. Because I've noticed a trend. I'm a part of a lot of mothering groups and boards and follow a lot of pages. I know that breastfeeding out there in the world can suck. Moms are told to leave or cover up or that what they are doing is gross or indecent. And it gets old. It gets *so old* trying to explain why feeding a baby is not a sex act or in some way offensive. I get it. I totally do. 

    But what I have noticed is a sort of war of comparisons. Breastfeeding moms and pictures of celebrities in low cut or see through dresses. Nudity. Cleavage. All of these things. Irate (and justifiably so) mothers share pictures they find on the internet of breasts- all kinds of exposed breasts- and bemoan the fact that breastfeeding is so looked down upon while these breasts are accepted.

   And your right. It sucks. It sucks that sexualized breasts or breasts pleasing to the male gaze are accepted while functional and biological breasts are frowned upon. And it's because of the over arching patriarchy and the way women are valued and the way motherhood is valued and our relationship to our own bodies. It's multifaceted and multilayered and complicated. And it sucks. 

   But here is my advice to you- be really fucking careful. Be careful because when we start to judge who gets to use their bodies in what ways, we are doing the exact same thing as those who dictate when and how breastfeeding is acceptable. You sitting around and deciding which bathing suits or red carpet dresses are acceptable is no different than someone sitting around and deciding whether or not breastfeeding moms should be covered. 

   When we start to dictate who should use their bodies and how and under what circumstances, we are playing the same game. You know what the real solution is? Let's lift each other up. Let's decide once and for all that each person's body is their own. Their own to use however they see fit.

   Instead of saying, "Oh my god, why is the dress okay and my nursing  photo isn't?", let's say "Oh my god, she looks amazing! Her body is beautiful and I honor her. Let's all honor each other with the same appreciation and reverence."

   This isn't about us versus them. The minute we believe that is minute we believe some other person is allowed to dictate our own selves. We when try to steal the power from another woman, we are giving up our own. 

   So let's all be really fucking careful that we aren't creating our own powerlessness. That we aren't disempowering our fellow human beings. And that we are confident enough in ourselves to hold not only our own, but the space next to us as well. 

Perrin's TWO

audriaabney.com

  I can't believe we survived another year. I have to say, I feel like we turned a HUGE corner at the 18 month mark. Things have gotten so much less stressful. I think a big part of it was Perrin's increased communication abilities. He has become quite chatty and it's a nice break from constantly playing the "Oh god, why are you crying!?" game. He also hates the car slightly less, which makes life a bit easier. He is starting to get really fun. We can actually do things together, as opposed to Perrin just tagging along. So, an overview of two-year old Perrin:

-Yes, he still sleeps in our bed. And it's awesome and we wouldn't change it. He has had his own bed for a year now but has zero interest in it and that's fine with us because we get ALL THE SNUGGLES.

audriaabney.com

- He loves to play outside. All the time. Rain or shine. Freezing or a hundred degrees.

-He loves to read books. All day long, he is asking to be read to. Right now he is really into "I Love You Little One", "Good Night Moon", "Huggly Gets Dressed" and "Nursies Are for Night Time".

-He is about 31 lbs. and 36 1/2 in. tall.

- His favorite things to do are boss the animals around and ride his bike.

- He has seen Godsmack, The Pretty Reckless, Seether, Five Finger Death Punch, and Three Days Grace Live. He has tickets to see and MEET Slipknot in August.

- He has gone from 4 teeth to 16 teeth in the past year. We also discovered those teeth suck and 4 of them need extensive work done. Boo.

- His favorite foods are peas, Pirate Booty, watermelon, beets, scrambled eggs, and toast with butter.

- His current sizes are 2-3T for clothes and 8 for shoes.

- He started showing interest in the potty again at about 20 months and we were completely done with diapers by 22 months. It was a ridiculously smooth process.

- He has (knock on wood) only been sick once- an upper respiratory infection turned ear infection.

- He loves all things animals- books, pictures, toys. If it has anything to do with an animal, he enjoys it.

- He loves watching sports, but especially American football, basketball, and hockey.

-He's been doing swim lessons for about 3 months now and is doing great with them. He loves being in the water. 

audriaabney.com

- This is the one I'm most proud of- He's still nursing! We made it to my two year goal. I said from the get go that I would love to let him self wean, but that I really wanted at least make it to two years. The immune support during that time was really important to me, as well as all the other benefits. And he is still going strong! We are starting to toy with night weaning and may make a few other gentle adjustments over the next year, but I am so glad we were able to keep going for as long as we have. We had so much trouble in the beginning and it is so wonderful to see the payout for all the hard work all three of us put into it. We are by no means "done", but I cannot express how awesome it feels to have met our goal.

   So that is basically Perrin, as of his second birthday. It hasn't been easy these past two years, but it's pretty cool to see him really coming into himself.

audriaabney.com

Interview with a Dad

   

photo credit: Audria Abney, www.audriaabney.com

     I've noticed that in a lot of the mom groups I participate in online there are lots of questions about fathers- either their perspectives on certain issues or how to navigate relationships with our partners as we all enter into this whole parenthood thing. So I decided to interview a dad and get the low down for myself. I kind of cheated and just interviewed Perrin's dad, my partner Joey, since he is readily accessible and all. I asked him a range of open ended questions about parenting in general and "hot" topics, especially ones I see come up a lot in reference to support and opposition from fathers. So what does this dad think about all things baby? Read on to find out.

What is your favorite thing about being a dad?
     Um...just watching him grow. Watching him learn and do things for the first time and just kind of experience life. That's the big thing- just watching the wonder in his eyes when he sees new things for the first time.

Least favorite thing?
    Um....night's like last night when you're just ready to go to bed and tired, but he's either fighting sleep or...I guess just teething in general. Him being so restless and not going to sleep. Getting frustrated but you can't really do anything about it because it's not like he knows what he's doing or understands what's going on. He's just learning his feelings and asserting himself.

What was pregnancy like from your perspective?
    Quick. Exciting. It was kind of the excitement of the unknown. Just knowing that he was coming and curiosity since we didn't find out what it was, whether it would be a boy or girl. I thought it was kind of neat seeing your [Roxanne's] body change, especially when he started kicking or getting the hiccups. Hiccups were kind of funny. It was just kind of trippy that something was growing inside of you. And also kind of ridiculous how many times you had to pee.

The pregnant female- gross, sexy, or neither?
     I think it's sexy. I think it's pretty cool. Sexy in a maternal way. I don't know, I think it's a really cool transformation. It's usually pretty special- I know not all women see it that way, but...

Post-partum bodies- same question.
     I think it's sexy. I think the whole process is sexy. I don't see it being, detracting from the thing that brought me to you and it makes it that much more special that it's something we share now. You're body might change, but that doesn't change my perception of you.

What was it like to have a wife with PPD?
     It was very hard. Kind of...just reminding myself that you're [Roxanne] not doing it on purpose. Just reminding myself that it will get better.

We had the baby at home, what was that like?
     I thought that was really cool. I don't know, it was just very peaceful. Just, non-stress. Well, not non-stress but reduced stress and less pressure. Just because we were already excited and anxious and stuff, and especially with how long he took, it was nice to just go at our own pace. And it was very freeing. Just that we could go up to campus and go for a walk or go to In N Out for a hamburger. Hell, I went for a run with the dog one morning to settle him down. We had Lia and everyone with us, but we didn't have people disturbing us- poking and prodding you and breathing down our necks saying we need to do this.

What do you think about breastfeeding in general?
    Um...hmmm. Uhh...I think it's ideal. I fee like it's ideal because it's a lot more nutritious than formula, but I also respect that it's the mom's decision. And that she can do it for however long she feels most comfortable doing it. So, like if...I think it's good to be supportive and realize how much it means to the mom to do the breastfeeding stuff and then try and support it as much as you can. Especially in the beginning, because from what I've noticed everyone has trouble in the beginning. Not many people have that wonderful start where baby latches properly and there's no pain. But just that- being supportive in the beginning when it's hard and understanding how much it means to the mom. Like with you- from the beginning I knew how important it was to, so if you wanted to keep going that's fine, but if you really really really wanted to stop I wouldn't have said you can't. Like now, like if you told me tonight that you were tired of it and done I wouldn't say anything to stop you, even though he's not two yet. And even if at two or however many weeks when it was the hardest if you had said "I'm done, I gave it shot and didn't like it" and wanted to switch to formula I would have supported that. That's what I mean, I think it's ideal. I don't think formula is the worst thing in the world, I just don't think it's the best. It's just...different. Not my body, not my call.

...In public?
     I think it's great. I think it's a lot easier than having to worry about covering and peeking on the baby and stuff.  [I clarified that nursing in public includes with a cover] Oh, when you say breastfeeding in public I jump to no cover, just whipping it out. Because I feel like when you are doing it with a cover, you are still breastfeeding in public, but you are hiding the fact that you are breastfeeding in public. So you want to do it, but you don't want other people to know you are doing it, which is fine. I don't really notice, but you know when sometimes I come home and tell you I noticed a woman breastfeeding at the park without a cover just whipping it out...I don't know, it doesn't bother me.

...Around family?
    Heheheh...it's funny. Ha ha haha. Just the differences. Like your mom and them don't care, and my mom doesn't care anymore either. Just kind of the differences, because like...well you did it at Christmas? I don't know, I guess I envisioned my family saying more than they do. It was definitely a conversation before he was born that that was what we were going to do. Just because no one in my family had been around it. I guess one really had in your family either. I guess it's just funny because everyone made a big deal about it in the beginning, but then when you actually did it and they saw it, it wasn't a big deal.

How do you feel about cosleeping?
     Um...I like it and I don't like it. I guess it's kind of like what I said before withe the parts I don't like about being a dad, like when he's not feeling well- which I guess it wouldn't matter if he was in a another room- well, let me rephrase. I guess, it's an acceptable inconvenience until he decides he doesn't want to. Because it doesn't matter if he was in another room or sleeping with us, if he's not feeling well it's not that we would just leave in him in the room by himself all night. So I guess it's just we don't have to walk into another room. I hate how his restless nights keep you from getting any sleep. I really like the nights- I don't mind him sleeping on me or with me- but that's the big thing though I know it's harder for you to sleep at night because he's always wanting to nurse and roll around and stuff. I wish he'd sleep with me more. But if it helps him developmentally and emotionally, it's more of a necessary, an acceptable inconvenience and I'd rather forgo the little bit of extra sleep I'd get.

How did you/do you bond with Perrin?
     Um...I bonded with Perrin through our walks, especially at night and stuff, and through how hard things were in the beginning. But I'd take him on walks for at least 30 minutes at a time, multiple times a day. But through that and me being able to take off from work for that period of time and just kind of hang out at home. Our showers are always fun. And um...yeah, those are the main two I guess.

Babywearing- practical or emasculating?
     Practical. No hesitation. I think everyone should do it.

Is gender neutral parenting weird?
    Uuummmm...Only beyond the point where you feel comfortable. Uhhh...let me see. I get it. And I agree with it to an extent. I feel like with gender neutral stuff there is a spectrum, and I consider myself more in the middle as opposed to the full on everything neutral. That's what I mean by "beyond the point where you feel comfortable" so finding where you are on the spectrum and then anything beyond that is weird...well maybe not weird, but just too much. [I asked for clarification] I fine with everything up to some of the clothing. I'm fine with all the colors and the hair and toys, it doesn't offend me if someone calls him a girl. And I don't like the whole, like um, sexualization of the clothing like the "Heartbreaker" type stuff.

photo credit: Audria Abney, www.audriaabney.com

How do you cope with your and Perrin's penises not matching? [Referring to Perrin being intact and Joey not]
     [Shrugs] I don't think about it. I don't think about it because it's not an issue.

What are your thoughts on gentle discipline?
     I like it. It's definitely a different way of doing it than what I'm used to seeing. I think it's definitely a lot nicer. And I mean, it seems to be just as effective. It might take a little longer because you may not see the immediate results, but it's because it's him learning instead of him just doing it because I'm about to smack the shit out of him. That's about it.

Is cloth diapering really gross?
     No. I'm in charge of the cloth diapers; it's not. I shouldn't say I'm in charge, but I do it mostly. No, I think they're great.

photo credit: Audria Abney, www.audriaabney.com

What are your thoughts about how dad's are portrayed in the media or pop culture? Anything you would like to set straight?
     I don't think there is anything I feel I need to set straight. I think some things are decent and some or more kind of, just a little out there. I feel like I'm not the one to ask this because  I don't pay attention enough or consider things unless it's just blatant. There was that carseat commercial that was a little blatant. Oh, and the football game one that was talking about dad having to watch the game and not...the guy was too busy watching football and couldn't do anything and that was just the center of his life. I thought that was a bit excessive.

What do you think is the most important things for dads or dads-to-be to know?
     Patience and support. Lots and lots of patience and be as supportive as you can.

Any last tips or advice?
    Not at the moment- ask me later [as he cleans up the basket of tea Perrin just dumped all over the kitchen floor].

Check your privilege- Why the Similac Ad is not ok

    *Throws her hat in the ring* I have tried really hard not to weigh in on the whole Similac Ad debacle. Most of the discussions seemed pretty futile and I would hate to be accused of contributing to the supposed "mommy wars" (more on that later) that the commercial pretends to address. But too many of the responses I am seeing by people, both to the ad itself and to the critics of the ad, are extremely problematic. Far be it from me to think I could add to the wealth of perspective and insight that is already out there on the topic, but I feel like I need to speak my truth on this one. Ahem...

      No one cares how you fed your baby. Maybe somewhere somehow there is some nosy person who cares, but why do YOU care? If you are comfortable with your decision, then why get upset over what someone else thinks? I can assure you- I do not care.

I don't care if you breastfed for 12 years, 2 years, or two days. I don't care if you didn't breastfeed at all. I don't care if you didn't because of a medical condition or because you were worried about how you would look in your bikini. All I care is that you had a choice in the matter and then did with your body how you saw fit. 

    So kindly get over yourself. It's not about you. It's not about your choice. It's not about choices at all. The things wrong with this ad have nothing to do with mothers. At all. Stop being self centered for two seconds and take a minute to look beyond your own knee jerk emotional response to this ad and any critiques around it. Step back for one goddamn second and actually LISTEN to what people are trying to say, because it has almost nothing to do with you. 

    The idea that somehow criticizing a formula company is attacking mothers or being judgmental is not only myopic, it's steeped in privilege. By the virtue of being able to access a computer to watch that ad, you are probably in place where using formula is a viable option. While there are and will always be risks and costs to using formula, it's a pretty safe bet that you can expect your infant to thrive while being exclusively formula fed. That is not the case for everyone and by dismissing this discussion as being one of preference and not one of health and access, you are completely ignoring a population of moms in the U.S. and a huge portion of moms world wide who have much more at stake in the conversation.
    There are women who cannot afford formula. There are women who cannot afford enough formula, so they water it down or cut it with other substances. There are woman who do not have a way to safely prepare the formula so as not to contaminate it with dangerous germs. There are children who live in less sanitary conditions or have less access to healthcare and are especially at risk without the protection of breastmilk. By acting like choosing formula over breastmilk is like choosing pancakes over waffles, you are completely overlooking all of the people less fortunate than yourself that have a much higher stake in this discussion. You are crying over your perceived "persecution" for you parenting choices because someone said something unkind to you on the internet. Woman across the world are crying over their sick and dying children. Take a seat.

     Now companies like Similac are not single handedly responsible for these situations, but they sure ain't helping. It's no secret that formula companies directly target mothers who intend to exclusively breastfeed. They offer "breastfeeding support", "free" samples, and heavy handed marketing. And you better believe it works, because they would not be shelling out the money if it didn't. In fact, take a second to think about why they shelled out the money for the commercial we are talking about. In other places, their influence is even more direct. It is not uncommon for formula reps in lower income countries to dress in white coats and wear stethoscopes while making house visits to talk about the "health benefits" of formula and leave samples. Formula companies are so intensive and so unethical in their marketing that the World Health Organization has an official Code for the Marketing of Breastmilk Substitutes. Millions of children die every year because they are improperly fed, and Similac and other companies purposefully misinform mothers to make a profit.
     And it is not as if these practices don't have a cost, even here. The price of formula itself is astronomical for many families. All of those "free" samples that are given in the mail and through hospitals come at a price. And Similac is netting some impressive profits. It's not as if these companies are non-profit entities dedicated to feeding children. In fact, many of the improvements in formula over the years have been due to discussions such as these that highlight the many shortcomings of artificial infant feeding. Discussions that Similac would label as silly women bickering.

    But the ad in question ignores all of this. And what is worse, it disguises the issues by belittling parenting decisions and discussions and labeling them as petty, catty "mommy wars". It dismisses important conversations that we all need to be having for the benefit of breastfeeding and formula feeding mothers. And then acts like it is doing us a favor by lifting us all up. Should we all be kind to each other? Absolutely. Does that mean we have to agree on everything? Or that we can't have in depth discussions about the consequences of each others choices? Not at all.
   But that is not what Similac tells us. They are saying quite blatantly that we should be too self-absorbed to consider the wider implications of infant feeding. They are encouraging us to focus on what they tell us is personal judgement while at the same time sweeping their own accountability under the rug. And they are doing it all on the backs of the millions of children and women in the world who pay the toll- sometimes the ultimate toll- for this type of marketing and these types of products. And that is why, no matter how warm and fuzzy the message may seem, I cannot get excited about the Similac ad. I refuse to pretend that a company that profits billions at the expense of both formula feeding and breastfeeding mothers and their children really just wants us all to sing Kumbaya. I'm not buying it.

Stop Marathoning At Me

    You know who you are. You who post pictures of yourself in your running shorts with your gold medal and the little paper number pinned to your shirt. So what? You ran a marathon! You don't have to be so judgmental about it. Just because I never ran a marathon doesn't make me a bad person , you know. I could have run a marathon if I had wanted to, but I didn't want to. I actually had a friend who wanted to run a marathon, but she would have DIED had the doctors not told her she couldn't run a marathon! Have you thought about that? Or what about all the people in the world who can't run marathons? Some people don't have legs! You should really think about these things before bragging to everyone and showing off your stupid medal. Who cares if you worked really hard for it. Who cares if it is something that means a lot to you. Who cares if it was the coolest moment in your life. Obviously the only reason you are posting your finish line pictures is to make all of us non-runners feel like shitty horrible human beings. Maybe that's why you run in the first place! It's all just some grand ploy to show everyone else that you're better than them. It has nothing to do with your health or enjoyment or the fact that it means something to you on a personal level. It's all about making ME feel bad.

      Because really, everything is about ME. My insecurities and apprehensions and regrets and guilt. And instead of accepting my truth and finding pride in my own situation (I actually made it to yoga class this week! I am badass!) I would rather lash out at you for being different. In fact, I'm going to accuse you of being judgmental while I assign arbitrary intention to your actions and words and then judge you on it. Because I'm scared to lift you up, because I'm not comfortable enough with my position in the world. So I'd rather tear you down.

    See what you made me do? You and your stupid marathon running turned me into a petty angry person. Obviously you are the problem here. The only possible solution is for you to stop being so fulfilled by your marathon experience. Or at the very least, pretend like you aren't. Stop talking about endorphins and runner's highs. From now on, just tell people about the shin splints and chaffing and all the horrible stuff. That way those of us who don't run can sit back and say "See!? Why would anyone want to run a marathon? That is so dumb. Obviously they are just doing it for attention." And the next generation of people can continue this cycle and never ever have meaningful conversations about all the different exercise options and how to find what is right for you and honor other people's journeys. Instead, we can all just sit back and hate on you for your running all those marathons at us.

*In case the metaphor escaped you, just go back and reread replacing "marathon" and "running" with "natural birth" or "breastfeeding". There ya go. *

7 Tips for Breastfeeding Discreetly

   In a funny twist of the universe, this wonderfully written article has been circulating lately which is not all that dissimilar to this post I have been working on. So, my apologies if you have had your fill of satirical breastfeeding activism.
   However, nursing in public (NIP) has been getting a lot of media attention lately, so I thought I would make this nifty guide for moms whose unruly spawn refuse to only eat in the confines of their own home like decent human beings. One refrain I see over and over again in NIP discussions is "I support moms who breastfeed, but you should at least be discreet about it." Odd thing though- the would "discreet" is actually quite subjective. So what is a mom to do? How do you know if you are being discreet or not? Well, worry no more! I have made this handy little guide just for you. Or, on the flip side, if you are a person who is not breastfeeding but you are worried that the woman tending to her child in the same public space as you is being inappropriate, feel free to check her behavior against this guide to determine whether you should complain or politely calm the fuck down.
   Now, please take note- you are still completely allowed to nurse INdiscreetly if you choose to. In fact, your right to do so is protected by law in almost every single state. However, if you would like to conform to cultural notions of "appropriateness", just keep these tips in mind.

What to Do

1. You can nurse with a cover, if you like and the baby likes. Up sides- you have a cover which seems to be some kind of threshold for some people. Down sides- It's hot. Babies are wiggly. Latching can be hard enough without going in blind. And you don't get to look at the super cute human you worked your ass off 9 months to grow.

I mean, it's only 106 F today. They weren't joking when they said modest is hottest! 

Stop struggling and have some respect for others, sheesh!

2. If you don't want to use a cover, you have the option of just lifting up your shirt. Upsides- This keeps the topmost part of the breast covered, which seems to be the most offensive. Unless of course it's peeking out of a v-neck, bikini top, or lace bra. Downsides- I found out the hard way that the pressure of the shirt on top of your breast can really send an overactive letdown out of control. Use with caution.

3. If you have experienced the aforementioned overactive letdown issues or simply don't like pulling your shirt up, you can always use the pull down method. Simply take your breast out over the top of your shirt. Upsides- easy access. Downsides- Depending on the cut of your shirt, this can be difficult. When Perrin was itty-bitty and I was super engorged, I used a variation of this where I would also slip the strap of my tank top of my shoulder completely in order to get my ginormous boob out.

4. When nursing in close proximity to others, just makes sure they are able to look in any other direction just in case they don't want to look directly at your beautiful cherub (psh, as if). Upsides- this is pretty much always possible. Downsides- It may be difficult if you are sitting directly across from an individual in an orthopedic halo whose eyelids are either missing or propped open and who does not have enough muscle control to move their eyeballs. 

This man is being 0% affected by the baby eating next to him.

  Seems simple, right? BUT WAIT! While you are employing all of these awesome tips, make sure you are also avoiding the following behaviors.


What NOT to Do

5. It's cool if you want to NIP, but you don't have to be all up in everyone's face about it.

6. Try to make sure you aren't just looking for attention. 

7. Don't be an exhibitionist.

So there you have it. As long as you avoid those three behaviors, you qualify as a perfectly decent and discreet breastfeeder! Nurse on, mamas!

Adventures in Breastfeeding

    I didn't have a whole lot of exposure to breastfeeding in my life, so most of my views about breastfeeding came from what I saw in the media. From what I could gather, your baby would lie in your arms and gaze up at you lovingly as they nursed and you smiled down at them and it was all beautiful and what not.

Ah, bliss...

   Fast forward to me actually breastfeeding. We struggled in the beginning with lots of pain and difficulty, so it was by no means the romanticized exchange I had pictured. But we got all of our problems sorted out and are coming up on 6 months of exclusive breastfeeding. However, while breastfeeding is now enjoyable, it is still by no means the idyllic experience I expected. 

  Perrin marches to the beat of his own drum in everything he does; breastfeeding is no exception. He likes to free style. No proper latching or formal positions. He likes to climb around in my lap, come on and off as he pleases and talk to me the entire time he's breastfeeding. Eventually he settles down and sleep-nurses, but the beginning of our sessions are always high energy to say the least. Some times I feel like I am wrestling an alligator while listening to a wounded pterodactyl. So here is a shout out to all the mommas of active breastfeeders and here is small example of what it's like nursing a ball of adorable energy (who recently mastered blowing raspberries). 

********My right breast is exposed in this video because it's a BREASTfeeding video, so if you                    can't deal, don't watch.********

Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Boobs

   This morning, Joey shared a dream with me that he had last night. He maintains it was just a weird, random dream, but I felt the need to read a little more into it. That, and it reminded me of some things I wanted to write up for a post. So here's the dream...

   Joey, his family, and I are driving in a car in Memphis when all of a sudden they say we need to go by Hooters to pick up Joey. Joey is of course confused because he's right there. So they clarify- no, baby Joey. So we go to Hooters and pick up this baby named Joey who is apparently hungry. I keep offering to feed him, but everyone keeps saying to just give him a bottle.

  So there. That's it. You might agree with Joey that it is just some random conglomeration of firing neurons. I, being me, read a little more into it. I saw an amazingly symbolic representation of Joey's infantalized self being rescued from rampant hypersexualization of breasts. Then, in an attempt to reestablish breasts with their natural purpose, he is constrained by the cultural beliefs in regards to socially acceptable infant feeding.

  Regardless of how you see it, it brings up something that I often think about and discuss with Joey- how his view of breasts has changed since having Perrin. Honestly, I think I had more of a transition in seeing my breast sexually to seeing them in a more utilitarian way. Joey maintained from the beginning that it was my body and I could use my breasts (or not use them) however I wanted. That being said, I still expected there to be a bit of a transition for him.

   I asked him once if he felt like he lost part of his youthful sexuality after Perrin. He said it didn't feel like that at all, though he admits that he doesn't really see breasts as sexual anymore. And he has seen lots of breasts. We are usually surrounded by nursing moms, so even without oggling, you see your fair share.

   What's even more interesting is that when he does catch a glimpse, he is actually being fairly productive. He studies latch technique! Because I was struggling with feeding so much in the beginning, Joey basically became a lactation consultant. He read everything he could get his hands on and talked to everyone he could find. He knows all the lingo and can trouble shoot a latch or weight gain problem with the best of them. It's pretty impressive.

  And even when it was hard for him to watch me cry and writhe in pain with every feeding, he was nothing but supportive. He never suggested I just give him a bottle. The one time I was "going to the store to buy formula" he very gently asked if that was what I really wanted to do. Of course it wasn't. He has also never claimed that not feeding Perrin interrupted their bonding. He actually isn't a big fan of giving him a bottle; it's kind of a pain. Instead he takes Perrin for walks, bathes with him, and changes his diapers. They play in the floor and we all snuggle together in bed. He gets plenty of bonding time.

 I always read stories of other women who had less than supportive partners because apparently breastfeeding was sexually threatening and traumatizing for men. Apparently it prevented them from loving their babies. Maybe it is more of an individual phenomena, but that is definitely not the case for us, which would suggest that it doesn't have to be the case for anyone. Appreciating breasts for their ability to feed babies does not have to be some huge thought-altering life transition. So maybe that is why the dream lacked meaning for Joey. Maybe the huge event that I saw it representing wasn't an "event" for Joey at all.

The Breastest Post

   *I had big plans for this post. It was supposed to be chock full of links and outside information. I was working on those links for two days...then the site crashed and I lost it all. I just don't have the energy to do it again. So if you have any questions or want more info, either message me or, you know, Google. Typing with one hand is a bitch.

Ugh use a cover, whore!

  I have limited time when I have two hands free, so I'm going to have to condense three different posts into one. Luckily, all three are about boobs. Or breasts. Tits. Jugs. Cans. Hooters. Knockers. Fun Bags. Chesticles.  Whatever you like to call them.

Breastfeeding

  Let's begin with a recap since some of you probably remember my last mammary-related post. Breastfeeding has gotten so much easier. The clouds have parted and the sun is shining just like everyone said it would. But it wasn't easy. I now completely understand why so many women either don't attempt to breastfeed or don't do so for very long. The odds just aren't in their favor. I did everything *right* before hand. I avoided all the booby traps. Lots of research before hand. Unmedicated labor. Immediate skin to skin. No artificial nipples. No circumcision. Feeding on demand. You name it, I did it. And I still had SO MUCH TROUBLE. We had a bad latch. Perrin is an uncoordinated nurser. My nipples blistered and bled. I was missing a chunk out of one of  them. I had to pump on the bad side and nurse on the good side so the chunk could heal. But the "good side" didn't produce enough to pull double duty, so I had to use an SNS with the pumped milk from the other side. At night I would wake up, heat up the pump milked and set up the SNS, nurse Perrin (which took about an hour at the time because he was the World's Slowest Nurser) then pump the other side, then go to bed and do it all over again in an hour. But then the "good side" was damaged from all the extra abuse, so I switched. Both times I had to pump, I got mastitis. Three days of fever, chills, cold sweats, and pain. He wouldn't cup feed, or finger feed. I wouldn't risk a bottle and nipple confusion. We saw two lactation consultants, a pediatrician, and our midwife. Cranio-sacral and chiropractic treatments.
   Finally, it started to "click" for us. His latch hurt a little less. But I could only get him to latch with me sitting up leaning over him. My back was so sore. Joey and I had to both get up for every feed (which was about every hour and half at night) and arrange the pillows just right. He would comfort nurse a lot, sometimes all day. I would be stuck on the couch for hours on end. It seemed like each  hour lasted a day and half. But you know what? He comfort nurses less now. His feeding sessions have spaced out. He sometimes goes 5 hours at a time at night. We are finally in our groove. I can fix almost any of his problems with nothing but my own body. He can nurse lying down now, which means I barely wake up for night feedings. And because I had to nurse exclusively on one side so many times and he was at the breast so often, I have an amazing supply. Oversupply comes with some of it's own unique issues, but it is not that bad. I pump every morning now. I have a nice stash in our freezer for Perrin and I've also been able to start donating. Which brings me to my next topic...

Milksharing

   There is a hierarchy of feeding for babies. The first and most beneficial method of feeding is to be breastfed by the mother, straight from the tap. The contact of the infant with the mother's nipple provides a unique give and take relationship that creates a customized source of nutrition. The second best method is for the baby to get the mother's expressed milk, i.e. from pumping. Third is for the baby to receive the breastmilk of another woman. And last- formula. There are lots of ways to donate milk, including formal milk banks. I'm glad we have these. They are important for many reasons, including the use by hospitals for babies that don't have access to breast milk otherwise. But I have noticed that many moms don't know about milk banks. Or don't have one near by. Or can't afford to get milk from them. It is for this reason that I chose to donate through informal milk sharing. Basically, I have extra milk and some mom might not have enough, so why wouldn't it make sense for me to give her some of mine? This (in addition to wet nursing) is how babies have been kept alive for millenia even when their mother's couldn't produce enough milk.
  I chose to do this because it's easy to say "breast is best" (thought this statement is problematic for other reasons), but in reality it can be incredibly hard. A woman shouldn't have to result to formula. Let me be clear, I'm not saying there is anything wrong if a woman chooses to give formula to her baby. But that should be an actual choice- not a lack of options. So I want to make breastmilk available for free to women who would like to have it. I don't care why the woman doesn't have breastmilk of her own. Maybe she had breast surgery. Maybe she has insufficient tissue. Maybe she was the victim of booby traps that decimated her supply. Maybe her work doesn't let her pump regularly. Or maybe she just doesn't want to. I don't really care. It's about nutrition for the baby, not the mother's personal choices.

NIP (Nursing in Public)

   The final topic I want to address is nursing in public. This topic seems to get a lot of press. There is always some news story about some celebrity who was spotted breastfeeding, or some store that told a nursing mother to stop, and then everyone wants to give their two cents about why they do or do not approve. Those who don't approve have a litany of reasons why women shouldn't nurse anywhere where others can see them. To those people, all I have to say is...
   I could explain to you that babies need to eat, and sometimes this occurs while their mothers are out doing things.
   I could explain about the importance of breastfeeding on demand.
   I could tell you how difficult it is to pump and lug around milk and bottles and icepacks and what not.
   I could give you information on the importance of normalizing breastfeeding and combating the hypersexualization of the female body.
   I could explain that breastfeeding is not at all like urinating or having sex.
   I could tell you that modesty is incredibly subjective.
   I could point out that you don't have a problem with the countless advertisements and women in revealing outfits who are showing just as much skin as a nursing mother.
   I could point out that I see people doing stuff I don't particularly like all the time in public, but I don't get to tell them to leave whatever place they are in.
  I could also explain that you are capable of turning your head in any direction and no one is forcing you to stare at a breastfeeding mother.

  But I'm not going to waste my breath. Because at the end of the day, I don't really care what you think. I would prefer you not harass mothers feeding their babies because that can be damaging to their overall breastfeeding relationship, but the fact of the matter is your opinion is meaningless. A woman's right to breastfeed in public is protected by law in almost every single state. Your objections are irrelevant.

So there you have it. All of my thoughts on breasts.