The Big, Bad Book Review

    As promised, I reviewed the children's books we own based on gender representation. Why, you ask? Because media literacy is important to me. Because the types of media kids are exposed to shape their perception of what the world is "supposed" to be like and how people look and act. Because when that perception is limited to very strict gender roles and ideas, children don't get to experience the full range of their personalities. Because children learn to see anything outside their experience as "other" and if this isn't challenged as they grow up, can lead to some very problematic ideas and assumptions. That's why.  I ended up including 86 books in all after the rest failed to meet my initial criteria that we'll go over in a second. I'll first go over my inclusion criteria, methods, and variables and then move on to the results. Finally I'll discuss what this means in terms of parenting and strategies for mitigating some of my findings. I'll also include some recommendations for some of our favorite gender inclusive books.

    But first let's address the limitations of the information. I'm sure there are more than I'll mention explicitly, but let's at least talk about some major ones. I make some assumptions about the intent of the authors. For example, when I talk about gendered illustrations, I assume that the people in pink dresses were intended to be female. It is possible that the author was being very inclusive and actually intended those children to be male or transgender or some other expression, but given the overall tone of the books and the gender representation, I felt safe in my assumptions. Second, our book collection is not representative of all the books that exists. I get that. Furthermore, since Perrin is male, the books we were given may be skewed towards male characters due to the underlying gender assumptions of the people who bought them. Third, there is a lot of gray area in some of the variables. For instance, I don't include all the background characters, only the ones that either speak or have names. But we will get more into that in the discussion of variables....So let's get started!

Inclusion Criteria
    My inclusion criteria was pretty simple- it had to be a young children's book (so no chapter books) that had some kind of narrative. I did not include simple books that were only pictures or named objects. There had to be some degree of dialogue or interaction between characters. Like I stated before, that ended up being 86 books. There were definitely elements to some of the excluded books that were gendered and offered up discussions of representation, but for the purpose of comparing them to the rest of the books, it didn't make sense to include them.

Variables

# of Female and Male Characters Named- Pretty self-explanatory. Because these are children's books, I was fairly liberal with what I considered to be a name. For example, I counted "Mommy" and "Bunny" as being a name if it was referring to a specific character. For this and the next variable, I cut off the count at 3. So if there were 5 named males, it was still recorded as 3. I did this because the only books where this occurred were in a select few where a group of characters was acting together. The higher counts weren't really affecting the gender representation and I didn't want the large numbers to skew the results.

# of Female and Male Characters Speaking- Simple and I used the same count method as above. There was a lot of overlap between these two categories but because I was not including background characters, I wanted a fairly general criteria for which characters I did include.

#of Ambiguous Characters- I also included a count for characters that were not expressly identified as male or female. In some cases the look of the character was overtly feminine or masculine, but if they were not directly identified through gendered pronouns I counted them as ambiguous. The most interesting example was Green Eggs and Ham. Neither character is ever referred to as a specific gender, although most people I know refer to them as male. One is named Sam, but that's a fairly gender neutral name.

Gendered Illustrations- I used a simple dichotomous variable to identify which books relied on gendered illustrations. Examples include all female characters wearing bows and dresses or only female characters having eyelashes.

Franchised Character- I made a note if the character was previously established from something like a movie or parent story. For example, the Cat and the Hat was not, because the extensions of the character came after the book being reviewed. However, Clifford was, because it was also a character from a TV show. This went into to how I determined the next variable.

Gender Swapping Possible?- I determined whether or not it was possible to change the gender of the characters without it affecting the plot line of the story. If the cow in the story needed help getting milked, it wasn't gender swappable. Or if the character was previously established as a specific gender in some other genre, it was not gender swappable.

Bedschel Test- The Bedschel test was originally used to rate movies for gender diversity and representation. A movie (or in my case, book) passes if there is more than one female character, the female characters speak to one another, and they speak about something other than a male character. There is also an additional criteria of the female characters having to be named, but I used the less strict version for my purposes. I noted if the book passed outright, but if one of the characters was ambiguous and you could make the assumption they were female and it met the other criteria, I gave it a provisional pass.

Main Character Sex- I also noted the sex of the main character. Some books had two main characters of different genders, and some had a main character with an ambiguous gender, so there ended up being 4 different categories.

Non-human Character- This was more for curiosity's sake, but I noted how many of the books featured some non-human character (Animals, monsters, muppets, e.g.) This goes back to the idea of gender swapping and the choices made by authors.

Father/Mother- Finally I noted which books featured either a mother character, a father character, or both. If there were illustrations with a mother or father figure in the background, but they didn't meet my initial character criteria (named or speaking), I did not count them.

Results
     Ok, here is the good stuff. Most of it was pretty expected and also a little depressing. For starters, only 4 books passed the straight up Bedschel test. That's only 5%. If I included the ones that past provisionally, it only bumped it up to 9%. In addition, only 10% of the books had a female main character. Thirty percent had either an ambiguously gendered character or both, meaning 60% of the books featured a solo male character. Which is kind of odd considering that 73% of the books were gender swappable, meaning that the story wasn't dependent on the main character being male. Heck, 83% of the books featured non-human characters which I would assume leaves a lot of wiggle room gender wise.
     When we look at the characters in general, only 34% of named characters were female and 34% of speaking characters were female. In addition, 31 books featured a mother while only 16 featured fathers. If we looked only at those books that featured a sole parent, 25% of the fathers were the only parent while 61% of mothers were the sole parent.
     Finally, 40% of the books featured gendered illustrations in which characters were drawn to display gender over realistic depictions.

Discussion
    Let's start with the good news- 22% of the books have ambiguous main characters, meaning there isn't really any focus on gender, which is nice. In addition, 73% of the books were gender swappable, so even though there seems to be a tendency to default characters as male, it's easy to read the characters as female to balance things out.
    However, when we talk about representation of female characters, it's a little more bleak. The fact that there were only 9 books with female main characters was a little depressing. Even more so that in the books that did have female characters, those characters were in more supportive roles, thus resulting in the lack of Bedschel Test passes. And average occurrence of female characters was only 34%, period. I was surprised to find that one of the biggest perpetrators of female exclusion was none other than the beloved Dr. Suess. Despite most of his characters being made up fantasy creatures, the pronouns were almost always male. Even when they weren't, they were left as ambiguous. There was extremely little female representation.

In the book "The Day the Crayons Quit", all of the crayons are left genderless (which makes sense) except Orange and Yellow, which are defaulted as male. 

Another ridiculous example I found was in the Chick N Pug book. Despite referring to a future of egg laying, the baby chick was given male pronouns. Sorry, but male chickens don't lay eggs. I ended up redacting this book.

This chick is male in the book. Female erasure, plus a jab at domestic labor?

    The other trend that I noticed and had to go back and recode later on was the depiction of parents. Going through the books, there was obviously way more mothers included than fathers. But after coding what I realized was that when fathers were included, it was usually in combination with mothers. In contrast, mothers were more often portrayed as the sole parent. This is troublesome because this creates a situation where fathers are seen as part of the family unit while mothers are seen as the default caregiver. That shafts both the role of the father as parent and the role of the mother as literally anything else.

The "Bunny Book" is one of the few books that recognizes male parents and actually presents it as the career choice of this bunny. 

     So the big takeaway from all this was that there is a huge gender discrepancy in these books. Despite it being unnecessary, a huge emphasis is put on gender in children's book, but that emphasis steadfastly favors male characters over female. Children reading these books are getting exposed to the idea the males drive story lines, go on adventures, and do a large number of things while the females do very little at all. It also means female children are having to learn to identify and empathize with the opposite sex, which is a good thing. However, male children are not getting that lesson in reverse and are instead seeing themselves as the norm, the default, and the standard.

    So what can we as parents do? Well a good start is seeking out books with female main characters or characters that don't fit into traditional gender roles. You can also look for the books with gender ambiguous characters, since that seems to be somehow easier (Is it really easier for a character to be genderless than to be female? Is the feminine side of the spectrum that low down on the list?) Once again, I include gender ambiguous to be any character that is not expressly identified as male or female. I do not include style of dress and hair. I don't want Perrin to think you can assume someone's gender by their appearance or that there is one way to be a boy and one way to be a girl. Another thing you can do is to simply swap the gender of the characters. There are lots of books we have that have male characters but I simply change the pronouns as I read the books. Sometimes I even switch them back and forth each time I read the same story. Or you can take the emphasis off gender by using neutral terms like "child" and "person" rather than "boy/girl" or "man/woman".

This is an example of where I use "child" instead of "girl" or "boy" when I read. 

   Another idea that works a little better as the kids get older is to engage them in critiquing. Asking "Why do you think only the girls have eyelashes? All people have eyelashes!" or "Why do all the boys have short hair in this book?", "Why do you think books never have boys wearing pink?". Just opening up these kinds of questions and conversations can help children to see these books as being non-representative of the world around them and are a great introduction to media literacy.

Some gendered language in Dr. Suess. Despite few female characters and almost none that are named or speak, he still manages to use hyperfeminine tropes. 

This book read "with the heart of a dinosaur, he shouldn't cry" which is bullshit, so I changed it. 

Books We Love

   Here are some of our favorite books. They are by no means perfect, but they do help give a little balance.

Dinosaur Kisses by David Ezra Stein: This book features Dinah, a female dinosaur. She tries to learn how to kiss, but instead ends up stomping and whomping and chomping everyone. It's a simple board book, but it's nice to see a female character portrayed as being physical, clumsy, and rambunctious.

Rawr by Todd Doodler: Ok, so we like dinosaur books. This dinosaur book uses no gendered language at all, although the illustrations are gendered (all the girls in dresses, all the boys with short hair). The main character is a dinosaur that is bigger than everyone else. However, we learn that even though the dinosaur is big, they can still be gentle, helpful, and kind.

Charlotte Jane Battles Bedtime by Myra Wolfe: This book features a family of pirates, so that's always cool. Charlotte is the child and she decides that going to sleep is for land lubbers, so she decides to stay up all night. She is described as "hearty" and having "formidable oomph", which is a nice change of pace from the usual adjectives describing girls.

Baby Badger's Wonderful Night by Karen Saunders: This is a father and son story; the father badger takes his baby into the forest at night to show him all of the sights. It's nice to see a father as the parent of focus, especially in a story that is tender and sweet.

Why Won't the Dragon Roar? by Rosalyn Rosenbluth and The Story of Ferdinand by Munro Leaf:
Both of these books challenge the hypermasculine norm. In these stories, the main character is a male dragon and bull, respectively. But he doesn't like to engage in the typical male behaviors of those around him. The dragon doesn't like to roar and Ferdinand doesn't like to fight. Instead they like to spend time with their friends and smell flowers.

And Tango Makes Three by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson: This book is based on a true story. It follows two penguins in a same sex relationship and how they hatch an egg to have their own baby that they raise together. It is a little hit or miss in that it definitely seems to portray opposite sex relationships as normal and the two penguins as "different", however it's a good conversation starter and a really sweet story.

Green Start Books (various authors): These books are some of our favorites. Many of them were left out of my analysis as they weren't narrative based, but we love them all the same. They are introductions to different aspects of environmentalism- gardening, animal habitats, recycling, etc. The illustrations are bit gendered, but otherwise gender isn't addressed at all. The illustrations are very cute and the simple sentences make these concepts accessible for even young kiddos. They are also made from recycled materials and include a back section with tips for activities and life style changes.

How Bathrooms Work

    I never thought I'd be able to crank out two sentences on this topic, but whatdyknow! There seems to be a lot of confusion and (misplaced) anger about Target's LGTBQ supportive restroom announcement and related legislation. Now, some of that ire seems to stem from some good ole fashion transphobia. To those individuals I would like to extend the warmest of "Fuck you"s. However, I have also seen many MANY comments along the lines of "think of the children!" "We just want to be safe!" "I'm not against trans folk, but now the PERVERTS are going to get in!". Now, this is kind of embarrassing, but....I'm not sure you understand how bathrooms work. So I'm going to explain somethings to you....

1) Nothing is actually changing, per se. You've been peeing next to trans people your whole life. Policies like Target's are to show support for LGTBQ communities and to stand in opposition of the transphobic legislation that has been passed in several states. 

2) These policies did not dismantle an invisible force field that was previously in place preventing trans people (or those perverts who we'll get to in a second) from entering a bathroom. Anyone can walk into any bathroom. I have accidentally walked into a men's room numerous times without anyone being like, "Oh hey! Wrong one!". And I wasn't even trying. Unless you were going to some super max bathrooms with bouncers checking IDs and birth certificates, the entry process is pretty much the same. 

3) Bathrooms, especially women's, generally have several individual stalls with locks on the doors. No one can actually see anyone else pee or take a dump. 

4) Bathrooms are really shitty (see what I did there?!) places to attack people. There is one entrance and exit where people come and go frequently without warning. It's a horrible place to try to do anything sketchy, from a purely strategic mindset. 

5) These perverts- I have bad news- they've always been able to go into whatever restroom they want (see #2). And they can also go all kinds of other places, like dressing rooms and malls and movie theaters and pretty much any place you may also go. But don't worry, because the odds of being sexually assaulted by a stranger are pretty low. The vast majority of assault is committed by a family member or close friend. 

6) If you demanded everyone pee in the restroom they were assigned at birth, ladies would be changing their tampons next to Michael Hughes. Please tell me how well that would go down. 

7) When you talk about the trans community and "all those perverts" in the same argument about bathrooms, you are either a) insinuating that trans people are perverts or b) saying that trans people should be humiliated and probably beaten up or at least screamed at a lot (see #6) to prevent the made up imaginary crimes by cisgendered people. Which is bullshit.

8) Literally nothing is different except that you are now aware of the fact that a transgendered person has heard you fart, and you can either be cool or be a bigoted asshole about it. 

9) Target bathrooms are no more dangerous since the policy announcement and it's absence does not make bathrooms safer. That's not how bathrooms work. They are open doors people walk through to go pee. It's not super complicated. 

10) The conversations I have overheard are almost entirely about the ladies' room, yet 1 in 6 boys experience some form of sexual assault, often perpetrated by males. The fact that boys have been sharing restrooms with grown men  without comment highlights the absurdity of these "safety" arguments. 

Some notes for people who would like to delve a little further-

Saying bathrooms are now "unisex" or that "men" can now go to the ladies room belies a complete ignorance about what it is to be transgender. I highly recommend you educate yourself. Here is a good place to start.

Let me know if I have left anything out or if you have any additional great perspectives! 

It's Personal

     By now most people know that Whole Women's Health v. Hellerstedt is being argued tomorrow. This ruling could prove to be my generation's Roe v. Wade. It could set a major precedent for abortion restrictions across the country. The decision made has the power to either move towards securing women's rights and healthcare or obliterate it.
    I've generally tried to keep pretty quiet about abortion. I have friends and family on all sides of the issue and I have been wary of stepping on anyone's toes. So I've held back from spouting off the statistics showing abortion access is an integral part of healthcare and promotes social and economic security. I haven't engaged in religious debates about what texts actually say regarding abortion. I haven't pointed out the human rights precedent of allowing women to make their own choices regarding fertility and childbearing. Don't get me wrong- I have friends, family, and coworkers who have had abortions. With one in three women having an abortion by age 45, be sure that you do to. You even go to church with them. But as dedicated as I have been to protecting the rights and experiences to those around me, I have never been overly vocal about the issue.
   That was until I really sat down and examined my experiences. And then I realized- it's personal. I am pro-choice by default, my own morality and sense of justice really doesn't allow for anything else. But it's more than that. While I have never personally had an abortion to date, there is a good chance that I may have one in the future. Joey and I are about 99% sure we are done having kids. But I'm only 28. I have at least 20 more fertile years ahead of me and even if we were able to use the most reliable forms of hormonal contraception (which I can't for medical reasons), there is still a decent chance we could end up with an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy. And the thought of that is what jarred me into cognizance. It's easy to think of abortion solely in the context of teen pregnancy, rife with drug use and multiple sexual partners- abortion as the answer to an unstable situation. But the reality is that many abortions don't meet any of those preconceptions. Abortions are sought by women who are married with children. By women who are well educated and financially stable. Once again- your neighbors, coworkers, church members. But society's stereotypes of the kind of women who seek abortions were so ingrained that it wasn't until recently that I realized that I am the type of woman who seeks an abortion. And I may be that woman one day. And despite all of my higher education, my financial stability, my rock solid marriage, and my amazing son, there are people who think that Joey and I shouldn't be able to make decisions about the number of children we will have or whether or not I should go through another pregnancy and birth. Or whether or not we should all suffer through another bout of severe postpartum depression. There are people who would take away a very personal decision between Joey and I and force us to have a child we didn't want. And that scares me.
   What scares me even more, is that after thinking about this more, I realize it's only due to sheer luck that I have never needed an abortion. I can think of three specific instances in my life where I was at risk for an unplanned pregnancy and that pregnancy would have been devastating. A pregnancy at any of those points of time would have left me in a vary dangerous situation. And the horrific part is that two of those instances were before I was educated about pregnancy, birth, and abortion. Before I had received counseling about the types of situations I was in. Frankly, had I gotten pregnant in either of those instances, the odds are pretty good that I wouldn't have sought an abortion. I would have birthed an unwanted child into circumstances that were unhealthy at best and at worst would have ended in harm to myself or the child. My life would have been shattered, my education, my personal growth and discovery. All because I didn't even believe I had a choice.
   But I do. It's my choice. My legal right. And it's the right of every single woman in this backwards ass country. And I'm tired of being quiet and polite. And I'm tired of people having to whisper and have secrets and live with shame because they made the absolute best decision for themselves and their families and all anyone can do it point fingers and shit on them. This is not some hypothetical debate. This is not a matter of principle or a talking point or a campaign platform. I refuse to sit back and listen to people discuss abortion as if I didn't even exist. As if their words have no impact on me. This is my family. This is my body. This is my life. It's personal.
   And if you are one of the people trying to take this choice away from me- if you want to limit my healthcare and my decision making and interfere in my marriage and my family- know that it does not go unnoticed. I know exactly who in my life would send me back into that dark hell of depression and call themselves a hero. I don't say this to shame you or change your mind. I say this to let you know- it hurts. You hurt people. Your words and your actions hurt people. Your hands are not clean.

Ain't I A Human?

    Once again, in an effort to get some stuff out of my brain to make room for new stuff, I'm going to hash out some thoughts I've been having as of late. There were two instances in the last week that sparked very similar feelings for me, and I would like to dissect them here for you guys. The first was a meme I saw popping up all over the place. It went something along the lines of "I've never heard of a well dressed, well spoken black man getting assaulted by the police for nothing" or something to that affect. The second is a conversation I peripherally participated in. A person made the comment that if women wanted to be respected, they needed to dress a certain way otherwise they were "asking" for mistreatment.

   Now I'm just going to call it- those two things were incredibly racist and sexist, respectively. But what scares me is that the inherent racism and sexism in those statements wasn't apparent to some people. What's more, the sentiment that underlies both of those examples is the same, and it's what I want to talk about. Both center around the idea that humanity is something that must be earned. That treating people like actual people- with kindness and respect- is something you only have to do after a person has proven themself worthy of being treated like a human being. Until they have proven themselves, you can treat them like shit and feel completely justified in doing so. But let's back up and unpack this a bit.

  A lot of how you respond to this discussion will depend on your basic concept of morality. I am coming from the belief that all people (really, all living things) deserve to be treated with the most basic kindness and dignity if only because we are all sharing this planet and this space. There are similar beliefs in many religious institutions- the Golden Rule and whatnot. If you don't have any beliefs like these or your personal moral standpoint is that all people are basically bad, or bad until proven otherwise, or that they must earn your respect in someway, we are probably diverging at this point. However, I urge you to reflect on this moral belief system as we continue.

  For one, consider how it comes back on you. If your standpoint is that other people must meet your own requirements in order to be treated well, it would stand that you must meet the requirements of others in order to expect decent treatment. It should be obvious that people have very different opinions about what is good vs. bad or right vs. wrong. Let's take the examples above. If you think people should dress well and speak well in order to be treated like human beings- do you never make grammatical errors? Are you always in an overly presentable state? What about sweats or work out clothes? Ever left home in your pajamas for a quick trip to the store? Hair unkept? Or the sexist example. Maybe you think mini skirts reek of ill repute. But what about tank tops? Women who wear pants? Your hair uncovered? I can easily find you examples of people and places where any of the above would be considered "bad" or "wrong". So which standard should you be personally held to? And are you ready to accept being mistreated under the rule that no one has to treat you well until you meet their qualifications?

  Another thing to consider when we talk about these rules for behavior and their implied justification for maltreatment is where these rules come from. It's no surprise that the majority of the people I saw passing around that racist meme were white. Who gets to decide what speech is proper? There is a long history and scholarship on the evolution of Ebonics and African-American dialect. And American English is itself a bastardization of sorts of English. Who gets to decide what is proper dress? "Proper" is entirely culturally dependent. And when you have a dominant culture or sub culture holding institutionalized power, it's easy to use "proper" as a means of subjugation and disenfranchisement. We (the dominant culture in power) use Our power to create standards that reflect Our own comfort level and custom and hold Them up to those standards-standards which They may not share, had no part in establishing, and may not be interested in emulating- and use Their failure to assimilate (whether due to inability or unwillingness) as justification for furthering criminalizing and vilifying Them and securing Our own place in power. It's a rigged game.

  But I urge you also to consider not only the larger cultural implications of these attitudes, but your own internal thoughts and feelings. Namely, why do you feel the need to set these "rules" about how people should/should not act in order to be treated like basic human beings? To be completely honest, when I catch myself trying to play this game in my head, it's usually for one of two reasons. One is that sometimes I find myself trying to justify my own mistreatment. By saying that people deserve to be treated like shit if they don't jump through whatever arbitrary hoop, I can maintain the thought that people in my own life treated me poorly simply because I deserved it. I missed the mark of being "good" in some way, so I was "asking for it". The alternative, of course, is to realize that I did not deserve to be treated badly, but that means that someone I cared about/loved/trusted/whatever was mean, or worse, maybe didn't care about/love/trust me back. And that can be hard to swallow. So sometimes it's easier to pretend that we actually have control over how other people treat us and the we are responsible for our own mistreatment. And by extrapolation, so is that person who got shot down in the middle of the street or raped on their way home from work. The second reason I sometimes fall into this mindset is because to acknowledge that all people deserve to be treated with basic humanity is to also acknowledge the vast number of ways this doesn't happen. It's to realize that slavery and rape and abuse and racism and hate are rampant and problematic. And it's really hard to hold that and not do anything about it. And doing something about it can seem overwhelming, and not wanting to do anything can seem selfish. And let's face it, it is selfish. And feeling overwhelmed and selfish leads to guilt and shame and none of those are pleasant feelings for us. So it's easier to pretend once again that those that are mistreated are somehow responsible for their own fates and that there really isn't a world full of sadness that we should be doing something about.

    So my one last point of order is to point out that, even if you buy into the idea that people are necessarily bad and deserving of mistreatment- that they are criminals and whores until proven otherwise- you still have a choice in how YOU treat people. I choose to default on kindness and hold the basic belief that we are all human and all entitled to being treated as such. I fall back on the idea that how we treat those that we consider the lowest of us counts a lot more than whose ass we kiss. Even if you truly believe the world operates based on these rules and you find them legitimate, that doesn't mean that they can't be changed. And if you really do see that we as a species have some serious problems in how we treat one another, you can do something small. It doesn't have to be overwhelming or earth shattering. You can start by treating other people like people. Regardless of how they look, speak, or act. And then you can start encouraging other people treat people like people. And then you can start demanding it.

A Seat at the Table

       By now most people have heard of the family being screamed at and basically kicked out of a restaurant because of their crying toddler. It's been all over the news and blogs. There have been discussions upon discussions. I've seen a half a dozen polls about whose "side" people would take (side note: What is with all the polls about things? Why should anyone care about whatever percent of some audience thinks about their personal situation? I don't get it). I didn't really address it because I was kind of of the mind that someone else would probably say it better. And I'm working through some really intense reading right now and didn't want to get distracted. But I have found some ideas rolling around in my head that don't appear to be represented completely elsewhere. And there are other ideas about other things also rolling around, and it's getting kind of crowded. I need to clear some space so I can process what I'm reading. So here goes...

    For those of you unfamiliar, the basic gist of the situation is this- A family with a toddler went to eat at a crowded diner. The toddler was restless and some version of whining/crying for the 40 minutes it took the food to come. The owner/manager then came over, yelled at the toddler, asked the family to leave. When the family complained on social media, the manager double down, cussed them out, and all in all didn't seem to be to caught up in customer service. There have been three basic reactions 1) Wow, it's not really acceptable to scream at your customers. 2) Yeah! Right on! Kids in restaurants are the worst! and 3) We can't be sure what actually happened; maybe both the manager and parents were at fault.

  So let's just back up for a second. I don't really want to discuss the manager at all. I can think of very few situations where screaming at people is acceptable, and this one just doesn't cut it. Moving on, I want to back up to the family's behavior and the general commentary around it. Now, in no accounts I read was the toddler accused of physically imposing on anyone. She didn't throw things. She didn't hit someone. She was in her own space. She was making noise. The transgression we are talking about here is a toddler making noise.

   Now, I saw a lot of "they should have left" or "get a babysitter" or "take the kid outside" or whatevers. Apparently it was raining, so outside wasn't an option. Leaving would mean getting to another place to eat, waiting for a table, waiting for food all over again- exponentially lengthening the amount of time before the toddler gets fed. I also saw "why didn't they bring their own snacks?" which is hilarious to me because I've also seen parents get berated for bringing outside food into restaurants. Damned-if-you-do type scenario, really. And I have to laugh at the whole "leave your kid with a babysitter" comment. First off, these people were out of town. Secondly, not everyone can afford a babysitter. Third, well, just keep reading....But once again, worst case scenario- these parents were letting their child make noise.

    So what a lot of people appear to be saying is that toddlers are unwelcome in public space, because they make noise. Now, let's talk about toddlers for a minute. Toddlers make noise. They just do. They don't really understand volume control. They have short attention spans. There brains are underdeveloped and they just don't have the capacity to act like adults. They aren't adults. Their children. We were at a restaurant the other day. You know who was louder than my toddler? An elderly gentlemen who seemed to have hearing issues. He was basically shouting his entire conversation with his table. But that is pretty developmentally appropriate for him, given he has trouble hearing. Just like it is appropriate for some people to make sudden, jerking movements or random outbursts of noise and words. Yet children are held to a standard outside of what can be reasonably expected from them. So the solution that is often is offered is simply "don't bring them". If you can't act like a fully capable adult, you shouldn't be in public. Which seems kind of odd to me, because I'm not sure when we decided adults are the only humans that count.

   The other retort I keep hearing is "entitlement". These parents feel entitled to bring their brats everywhere or that kids are somehow entitled to be out in public. Like taking up space is something you have to earn. But what most people don't recognize is that statement is it's own kind of entitlement. Adults feeling like they are entitled to control and micromanage their environment. I have been at a restaurant and had to sit within ear shot of some horribly racist/misogynist conversations. I have been in places where people were talking louder than I liked. And a big thing for me being prone to migraines and being sensitive to smells- I have been near people wearing entirely too much fragrance that required me medicating myself to be comfortable. There are people who are horribly racist and would rather not eat in a restaurant with certain ethnic groups. There are people who may feel revulsion at the sight of some physical disabilities. There are people who don't like the way others dress. Are we really going to argue that we are entitled to dictate who gets to take up space?  That attitude reeks of entitlement.

  Anyway, back to this idea that children don't count as people and if they do, certainly don't have rights to pubic spaces, and if they do, only if they follow strict guidelines that most adults are not held to. Ok. You know what that results in? Children not being visible. But if that's your attitude, you probably think that's a good thing. But hold on- someone has to care for the children. And for all the "hire a babysitter" or "leave them with the grandparents" comments- the reality is those aren't always options for most people. So not only are we erasing children from public, we are erasing parents, and most of the time that means erasing mothers. Motherhood/parenthood is relegated to behind closed doors. Don't you dare leave your house unless you can guarantee you mere existence will never ever inconvenience another person. Don't let people see you. Don't impose, simply by being. So now we have this world where parenting and child rearing is nearly invisible. It's not honored, hell, it's not even acknowledged. The continuation of our species, the social fabric of our future (cliche, I know, but true) is shut away because somehow we decided it was less than.

   I'm really sure how this happened, but I'm certain it's complex. I think it has to do with how we value monetary gain over other types of productivity. Child-rearing in a traditional sense doesn't bring home a pay check, so it's not relevant. It's how we view women and motherhood. It's our constant desire to divorce ourselves from the natural world of reproduction and life and focus on the clean, shiny industrial world we have created. It's involved, to say the least. But what has that left us with? In most cultures, everyone is included. The elderly, the young, the middle age, the new parents- they all interact int the same spaces and learn from each other and teach one another. Our culture is becoming fairly unique in the way it is organized by age. We take spaces which were traditional familial and communal- such as places of worship- and make Kid's Church. Now the young ones are here and the adults over there. We segregate schools by age, with children now not having regular interactions with peers of different age groups. We lose the interage relationships, we lose those experiences. And then we sit back and wonder why children can't interact well with adults or why adults have trouble cooperating generationally.

   Did it never occur to anyone that if you want a toddler to know how to act at a restaurant, they at some point need to be in a restaurant?  That they might not be great at it right off the bat? For all the woes about the upcoming generations of young adults (which I don't really buy, by the way), did anyone think that maybe they would integrate with society a little better if they had had any practice at all before being flung out into the mess of it at a late age? These are the thoughts I had reading the comments and discussions around that restaurant incident. How utterly sad it makes me that we as a culture have this value of children being seen but not hear, or really not being seen at all. That adults some how are "better than" and that it is all tied basically to developmental capacity, even at the risk of the adults who may not quite meet the bar. That there is an expectation that children (and by extension, their parents) should only be welcome in public space when they meet some ridiculous arbitrary requirements, without having to acknowledge that they learn by being in those spaces.

  In my humble opinion, this creates a situation where everyone loses. Yes, you enjoyed a child-free restaurant experience. Good for you. But at what cost to how we view ourselves and the rest of humanity? At what loss of community? Let's get something straight- children are people who need to eat. They sometimes need to fly places. Their parents need to go to stores. If there is a place that is inappropriate for children, make it 21 and up or 18 and up or whatever. But let's just acknowledge that a space open to people is a space open to children, and if you can't handle that, I would say you don't know how to handle yourself in a public space and may want to consider staying home.
  

Let's All Be Careful

      I have a really good friend, and when I was at a particularly trying and confusing point in my life, he gave me some really good advice.

     "Be really fucking careful."

     Good advice, and I try to remember it from time to time. And now, I'm sharing it with you. Because I've noticed a trend. I'm a part of a lot of mothering groups and boards and follow a lot of pages. I know that breastfeeding out there in the world can suck. Moms are told to leave or cover up or that what they are doing is gross or indecent. And it gets old. It gets *so old* trying to explain why feeding a baby is not a sex act or in some way offensive. I get it. I totally do. 

    But what I have noticed is a sort of war of comparisons. Breastfeeding moms and pictures of celebrities in low cut or see through dresses. Nudity. Cleavage. All of these things. Irate (and justifiably so) mothers share pictures they find on the internet of breasts- all kinds of exposed breasts- and bemoan the fact that breastfeeding is so looked down upon while these breasts are accepted.

   And your right. It sucks. It sucks that sexualized breasts or breasts pleasing to the male gaze are accepted while functional and biological breasts are frowned upon. And it's because of the over arching patriarchy and the way women are valued and the way motherhood is valued and our relationship to our own bodies. It's multifaceted and multilayered and complicated. And it sucks. 

   But here is my advice to you- be really fucking careful. Be careful because when we start to judge who gets to use their bodies in what ways, we are doing the exact same thing as those who dictate when and how breastfeeding is acceptable. You sitting around and deciding which bathing suits or red carpet dresses are acceptable is no different than someone sitting around and deciding whether or not breastfeeding moms should be covered. 

   When we start to dictate who should use their bodies and how and under what circumstances, we are playing the same game. You know what the real solution is? Let's lift each other up. Let's decide once and for all that each person's body is their own. Their own to use however they see fit.

   Instead of saying, "Oh my god, why is the dress okay and my nursing  photo isn't?", let's say "Oh my god, she looks amazing! Her body is beautiful and I honor her. Let's all honor each other with the same appreciation and reverence."

   This isn't about us versus them. The minute we believe that is minute we believe some other person is allowed to dictate our own selves. We when try to steal the power from another woman, we are giving up our own. 

   So let's all be really fucking careful that we aren't creating our own powerlessness. That we aren't disempowering our fellow human beings. And that we are confident enough in ourselves to hold not only our own, but the space next to us as well. 

Happy Mother's Day

    In addition to the warm sentiments directed to their own mothers, many people take time on Mother's Day to express the joy they receive from their own experience as a mother. I know plenty of these women. They are so excited to spend Mother's Day with the children that made them a mother. Even on a regular ole day of the year, they will gush over how amazing their role of Motherhood has been. Hard, yes, but so fulfilling! So wonderful! They can't remember what their life was like before their children were in it. And they can't imagine their life without them. They are so thankful for their children for placing them into the role of Motherhood.

   I am not one of those women. I know them, and I love many of them. I think they are wonderful people. And for a while, I was jealous of their enjoyment of Motherhood. I assumed that the post-partum depression was the obstacle in my way from that ethereal maternal experience. After all, when most women were endlessly kissing their tiny baby's faces, I was contemplating adoption. But almost two years later, the PPD is behind me and has been for almost a year now. Now I know that truly, it's just not who I am. 

   I remember what it was like before Perrin. I remember it vividly and fondly. I remember the pure selfishness with which I lived my life and absolute freedom I had. And I can easily picture what our lives would be like if he wasn't here. I can name the trips we would have taken and the things we would have done. Sometimes I find these thoughts entertaining, just because of the stark differences in those images and our reality. And sometimes, on the hard days, I find them incredibly painful as I find myself again questioning whether or not we made the right choices in our lives. 

   I do not like Motherhood. I do not find fulfillment in the ideal. When I don the label it feels stuffy and ill-fitted. I do not experience the romanticism that I know to exist for others. But I do like Perrin. I love Perrin. I love him fiercely. And whether I like it or not, I am his mother. And Joey and I owe it to him to raise him up in the love and kindness that every human deserves. Perrin is such a wonderful person. So I don't mind being his mother. But I don't like being a Mother. This distinction is subtle. But to me, it is a glaring disconnect.

   So this Mother's Day, I want to clink glasses with all the women who don't feel the warm fuzzies. The ones who find themselves embarrassed or confused by the emotions they feel on a day honoring Motherhood in the abstract. Especially when for so many women, the reality of their own motherhood is anything but honored. Because I truly believe you don't have to love Motherhood to love your child. And you don't have to be fulfilled in Motherhood to be a damn good mother. There is no one right way to mother a child. So for anyone else who finds today especially painful or disconcerting, just know you are not alone. These feelings can be complex, but there is no shame or guilt in them. And the more we can be open about them and speak our own truths, the more the idea of Motherhood will reflect what motherhood actually is. 

Interview with a Dad

   

photo credit: Audria Abney, www.audriaabney.com

     I've noticed that in a lot of the mom groups I participate in online there are lots of questions about fathers- either their perspectives on certain issues or how to navigate relationships with our partners as we all enter into this whole parenthood thing. So I decided to interview a dad and get the low down for myself. I kind of cheated and just interviewed Perrin's dad, my partner Joey, since he is readily accessible and all. I asked him a range of open ended questions about parenting in general and "hot" topics, especially ones I see come up a lot in reference to support and opposition from fathers. So what does this dad think about all things baby? Read on to find out.

What is your favorite thing about being a dad?
     Um...just watching him grow. Watching him learn and do things for the first time and just kind of experience life. That's the big thing- just watching the wonder in his eyes when he sees new things for the first time.

Least favorite thing?
    Um....night's like last night when you're just ready to go to bed and tired, but he's either fighting sleep or...I guess just teething in general. Him being so restless and not going to sleep. Getting frustrated but you can't really do anything about it because it's not like he knows what he's doing or understands what's going on. He's just learning his feelings and asserting himself.

What was pregnancy like from your perspective?
    Quick. Exciting. It was kind of the excitement of the unknown. Just knowing that he was coming and curiosity since we didn't find out what it was, whether it would be a boy or girl. I thought it was kind of neat seeing your [Roxanne's] body change, especially when he started kicking or getting the hiccups. Hiccups were kind of funny. It was just kind of trippy that something was growing inside of you. And also kind of ridiculous how many times you had to pee.

The pregnant female- gross, sexy, or neither?
     I think it's sexy. I think it's pretty cool. Sexy in a maternal way. I don't know, I think it's a really cool transformation. It's usually pretty special- I know not all women see it that way, but...

Post-partum bodies- same question.
     I think it's sexy. I think the whole process is sexy. I don't see it being, detracting from the thing that brought me to you and it makes it that much more special that it's something we share now. You're body might change, but that doesn't change my perception of you.

What was it like to have a wife with PPD?
     It was very hard. Kind of...just reminding myself that you're [Roxanne] not doing it on purpose. Just reminding myself that it will get better.

We had the baby at home, what was that like?
     I thought that was really cool. I don't know, it was just very peaceful. Just, non-stress. Well, not non-stress but reduced stress and less pressure. Just because we were already excited and anxious and stuff, and especially with how long he took, it was nice to just go at our own pace. And it was very freeing. Just that we could go up to campus and go for a walk or go to In N Out for a hamburger. Hell, I went for a run with the dog one morning to settle him down. We had Lia and everyone with us, but we didn't have people disturbing us- poking and prodding you and breathing down our necks saying we need to do this.

What do you think about breastfeeding in general?
    Um...hmmm. Uhh...I think it's ideal. I fee like it's ideal because it's a lot more nutritious than formula, but I also respect that it's the mom's decision. And that she can do it for however long she feels most comfortable doing it. So, like if...I think it's good to be supportive and realize how much it means to the mom to do the breastfeeding stuff and then try and support it as much as you can. Especially in the beginning, because from what I've noticed everyone has trouble in the beginning. Not many people have that wonderful start where baby latches properly and there's no pain. But just that- being supportive in the beginning when it's hard and understanding how much it means to the mom. Like with you- from the beginning I knew how important it was to, so if you wanted to keep going that's fine, but if you really really really wanted to stop I wouldn't have said you can't. Like now, like if you told me tonight that you were tired of it and done I wouldn't say anything to stop you, even though he's not two yet. And even if at two or however many weeks when it was the hardest if you had said "I'm done, I gave it shot and didn't like it" and wanted to switch to formula I would have supported that. That's what I mean, I think it's ideal. I don't think formula is the worst thing in the world, I just don't think it's the best. It's just...different. Not my body, not my call.

...In public?
     I think it's great. I think it's a lot easier than having to worry about covering and peeking on the baby and stuff.  [I clarified that nursing in public includes with a cover] Oh, when you say breastfeeding in public I jump to no cover, just whipping it out. Because I feel like when you are doing it with a cover, you are still breastfeeding in public, but you are hiding the fact that you are breastfeeding in public. So you want to do it, but you don't want other people to know you are doing it, which is fine. I don't really notice, but you know when sometimes I come home and tell you I noticed a woman breastfeeding at the park without a cover just whipping it out...I don't know, it doesn't bother me.

...Around family?
    Heheheh...it's funny. Ha ha haha. Just the differences. Like your mom and them don't care, and my mom doesn't care anymore either. Just kind of the differences, because like...well you did it at Christmas? I don't know, I guess I envisioned my family saying more than they do. It was definitely a conversation before he was born that that was what we were going to do. Just because no one in my family had been around it. I guess one really had in your family either. I guess it's just funny because everyone made a big deal about it in the beginning, but then when you actually did it and they saw it, it wasn't a big deal.

How do you feel about cosleeping?
     Um...I like it and I don't like it. I guess it's kind of like what I said before withe the parts I don't like about being a dad, like when he's not feeling well- which I guess it wouldn't matter if he was in a another room- well, let me rephrase. I guess, it's an acceptable inconvenience until he decides he doesn't want to. Because it doesn't matter if he was in another room or sleeping with us, if he's not feeling well it's not that we would just leave in him in the room by himself all night. So I guess it's just we don't have to walk into another room. I hate how his restless nights keep you from getting any sleep. I really like the nights- I don't mind him sleeping on me or with me- but that's the big thing though I know it's harder for you to sleep at night because he's always wanting to nurse and roll around and stuff. I wish he'd sleep with me more. But if it helps him developmentally and emotionally, it's more of a necessary, an acceptable inconvenience and I'd rather forgo the little bit of extra sleep I'd get.

How did you/do you bond with Perrin?
     Um...I bonded with Perrin through our walks, especially at night and stuff, and through how hard things were in the beginning. But I'd take him on walks for at least 30 minutes at a time, multiple times a day. But through that and me being able to take off from work for that period of time and just kind of hang out at home. Our showers are always fun. And um...yeah, those are the main two I guess.

Babywearing- practical or emasculating?
     Practical. No hesitation. I think everyone should do it.

Is gender neutral parenting weird?
    Uuummmm...Only beyond the point where you feel comfortable. Uhhh...let me see. I get it. And I agree with it to an extent. I feel like with gender neutral stuff there is a spectrum, and I consider myself more in the middle as opposed to the full on everything neutral. That's what I mean by "beyond the point where you feel comfortable" so finding where you are on the spectrum and then anything beyond that is weird...well maybe not weird, but just too much. [I asked for clarification] I fine with everything up to some of the clothing. I'm fine with all the colors and the hair and toys, it doesn't offend me if someone calls him a girl. And I don't like the whole, like um, sexualization of the clothing like the "Heartbreaker" type stuff.

photo credit: Audria Abney, www.audriaabney.com

How do you cope with your and Perrin's penises not matching? [Referring to Perrin being intact and Joey not]
     [Shrugs] I don't think about it. I don't think about it because it's not an issue.

What are your thoughts on gentle discipline?
     I like it. It's definitely a different way of doing it than what I'm used to seeing. I think it's definitely a lot nicer. And I mean, it seems to be just as effective. It might take a little longer because you may not see the immediate results, but it's because it's him learning instead of him just doing it because I'm about to smack the shit out of him. That's about it.

Is cloth diapering really gross?
     No. I'm in charge of the cloth diapers; it's not. I shouldn't say I'm in charge, but I do it mostly. No, I think they're great.

photo credit: Audria Abney, www.audriaabney.com

What are your thoughts about how dad's are portrayed in the media or pop culture? Anything you would like to set straight?
     I don't think there is anything I feel I need to set straight. I think some things are decent and some or more kind of, just a little out there. I feel like I'm not the one to ask this because  I don't pay attention enough or consider things unless it's just blatant. There was that carseat commercial that was a little blatant. Oh, and the football game one that was talking about dad having to watch the game and not...the guy was too busy watching football and couldn't do anything and that was just the center of his life. I thought that was a bit excessive.

What do you think is the most important things for dads or dads-to-be to know?
     Patience and support. Lots and lots of patience and be as supportive as you can.

Any last tips or advice?
    Not at the moment- ask me later [as he cleans up the basket of tea Perrin just dumped all over the kitchen floor].

Virtue as the Mean

     About a week ago I found this article in the Washington Post. It is the experience of one woman, a self-described "physician, teacher, and health policy researcher" while having her baby in a hospital. She details the immense pressure she felt to have a high intervention birth and almost a cesarean section despite her wishes to have a low intervention birth. The big take away from the article, at least from my perspective, was the danger lay women face in the delivery room given the adversity this woman of medicine had to confront in her own labor. At one point she mentions consulting with several other M.D.s of various backgrounds in order to advocate for herself and her child. While I thought the article was an insightful and pointed statement about maternity wards, the larger cultural commentary came from the vary first comment that showed below the article itself. I normally avoid the comment section like the plague but happened to catch this one as it was the only comment at the time. I didn't feel like wading back through that trash to get a direct quote, so I will paraphrase. The commentator basically said "Shame on you" to the mother. She was doctor. Apparently she should have known better and advocated for herself more. If she felt pressured it was her own fault for letting herself get into that situation.
    This is not the first time I've heard this argument. It actually comes up quite a bit. Women share their stories of abuse and mistreatment during their births, and they are blamed. It is there fault for not being more prepared, more educated, more anticipatory of the events. It's their fault for relying on doctors. It's their fault for not taking responsibility in their own care. It's their fault, period. I find these arguments confusing for several reasons. One is because there seems to be very few other specialized fields where consumers are expected to have expertise. Most people who go to a mechanic can't build their own engine. Most people who go to a gourmet restaurant can't cook French cuisine. This is also a huge issue of privilege- assuming that someone who is already paying a professional to perform a service also has the time and resources to teach themselves the ins and outs of the field and be independently educated on the topic. Is assuming that someone trained in healthcare and beholden to the hippocratic oath will provide adequate care really that far of a leap?
     But another thing about this idea of "it's your fault for not educating and self-advocating" is that it's bullshit. Because women who do all those things above- who prepare and seek out education and information and participate in their care- aren't treated any better a lot of  the time. They are labeled as pushy. As non-compliant. Demanding. Relying on Dr. Google. Buying into psuedo-science. Believing everything they read on the internet. They are accused of being selfish and even worse, of not valuing their child's life and health. These women have been dropped as patients by their doctors and had CPS and police called on them. They have been dragged into the OR against their will. Laboring women have been put in handcuffs.
    Apparently, there is a delicate balance to be found for a laboring women. She should be educated, but not questioning. Responsible but yielding. She should stick up for herself, but not to the point of stepping on the toes of the almighty gods in white coats. It's not surprising then, that so many women fall short of the virtuous mean. For me personally, I will always recommend erring on the side of education and empowerment. However, I think there is an alternative.

   What if, just for shits and giggles, we entertain the idea that maybe, just maybe, the birthing women     aren't the problem?

   What if maternity care in the U.S. is intrinsically flawed?

   What if the entire healthcare system is set up to thrive on profit driven by disease and trauma?

   What if the field of obstetrics was never intended to cater to the masses?

   What if our view of womanhood and motherhood is deeply ingrained in the patriarchy?

   What if profit drives care more than science and research?

   What if convenience is more sought after than health?

   What if we knew that the U.S. funnels more money into maternity care than any other developed         nation but has the absolute worst results?

    Maybe that is where all of  these people should be pointing the blame. But instead we invent these "mommy wars" and blame some women for being too informed and blame others for being too compliant and once again place that ever-tantalizing image of the perfect (birthing) woman on a pedestal for everyone to collectively emulate. All the while, ignoring the real problem of a deeply entrenched system that as it exists now is set up to undermine evidenced-based care. Education and advocacy gives women a fighting chance. It is the kevlar that they wear when they walk into the war-zone of the current maternity care system. But it is not a guarantee that they will come out unscathed, anymore than blindly following someone across the battle field with your eyes shut and fingers crossed. What we need is a collective cease-fire. A real, open and honest peace talk about how we got to the place where battle was a useful metaphor for childbirth. But as long as women are spending all their time and energy attempting to find the balance between advocating for themselves and being polite, no one is addressing the core issues. No one is trying to fix the problem if we are all too busy arguing about how to adapt to it.

 

7 Tips for Breastfeeding Discreetly

   In a funny twist of the universe, this wonderfully written article has been circulating lately which is not all that dissimilar to this post I have been working on. So, my apologies if you have had your fill of satirical breastfeeding activism.
   However, nursing in public (NIP) has been getting a lot of media attention lately, so I thought I would make this nifty guide for moms whose unruly spawn refuse to only eat in the confines of their own home like decent human beings. One refrain I see over and over again in NIP discussions is "I support moms who breastfeed, but you should at least be discreet about it." Odd thing though- the would "discreet" is actually quite subjective. So what is a mom to do? How do you know if you are being discreet or not? Well, worry no more! I have made this handy little guide just for you. Or, on the flip side, if you are a person who is not breastfeeding but you are worried that the woman tending to her child in the same public space as you is being inappropriate, feel free to check her behavior against this guide to determine whether you should complain or politely calm the fuck down.
   Now, please take note- you are still completely allowed to nurse INdiscreetly if you choose to. In fact, your right to do so is protected by law in almost every single state. However, if you would like to conform to cultural notions of "appropriateness", just keep these tips in mind.

What to Do

1. You can nurse with a cover, if you like and the baby likes. Up sides- you have a cover which seems to be some kind of threshold for some people. Down sides- It's hot. Babies are wiggly. Latching can be hard enough without going in blind. And you don't get to look at the super cute human you worked your ass off 9 months to grow.

I mean, it's only 106 F today. They weren't joking when they said modest is hottest! 

Stop struggling and have some respect for others, sheesh!

2. If you don't want to use a cover, you have the option of just lifting up your shirt. Upsides- This keeps the topmost part of the breast covered, which seems to be the most offensive. Unless of course it's peeking out of a v-neck, bikini top, or lace bra. Downsides- I found out the hard way that the pressure of the shirt on top of your breast can really send an overactive letdown out of control. Use with caution.

3. If you have experienced the aforementioned overactive letdown issues or simply don't like pulling your shirt up, you can always use the pull down method. Simply take your breast out over the top of your shirt. Upsides- easy access. Downsides- Depending on the cut of your shirt, this can be difficult. When Perrin was itty-bitty and I was super engorged, I used a variation of this where I would also slip the strap of my tank top of my shoulder completely in order to get my ginormous boob out.

4. When nursing in close proximity to others, just makes sure they are able to look in any other direction just in case they don't want to look directly at your beautiful cherub (psh, as if). Upsides- this is pretty much always possible. Downsides- It may be difficult if you are sitting directly across from an individual in an orthopedic halo whose eyelids are either missing or propped open and who does not have enough muscle control to move their eyeballs. 

This man is being 0% affected by the baby eating next to him.

  Seems simple, right? BUT WAIT! While you are employing all of these awesome tips, make sure you are also avoiding the following behaviors.


What NOT to Do

5. It's cool if you want to NIP, but you don't have to be all up in everyone's face about it.

6. Try to make sure you aren't just looking for attention. 

7. Don't be an exhibitionist.

So there you have it. As long as you avoid those three behaviors, you qualify as a perfectly decent and discreet breastfeeder! Nurse on, mamas!

A Scary New Trend

    My apologies if this seems like one of my ranty posts, but I’m starting to get kind of annoyed with a new trend that seems to be popping up. This is purely anecdotal, but from what I can tell natural and or evidence based birth has become some kind of marketing strategy. Now, part of this is desirable and to be expected. More women are being informed about their rights and options and are pushing providers to, well, provide. So in a way it is kind of encouraging to see hospitals remodeling L&D to be more family friendly and comfortable and to see places offering tools like birth tubs, stability balls, and wireless fetal monitors.  One would expect that more doctors and midwives would be looking at the actual research on things like doulas and VBACs and the hydrotherapy and adjusting their practices accordingly. These are all wonderful things.

   The problem is- from what I can tell, there also seems to be trend of providers paying lipservice to these practices and the failing to deliver. I’m talking about OBs saying they are supportive or pro natural birth and VBACs, but then at 38 weeks talking big babies, ruptures, inductions, failure to progress, and c-sections.  Or OBs and even pediatricians who claim to be pro breastfeeding or even having lactation credentials suggesting formula and supplementation without even addressing latch issues or supply. It’s like they realize that women want these things, but they aren’t invested enough to actually help them achieve it. There could also be a more insidious reason, which I hope isn’t the case- providers patronizingly assume that these women are jumping on some trendy natural birth bandwagon and don’t really know what they are asking for (and I guess ignoring the fact that these practices are based on the best medical evidence).

   Whatever the reason, it’s a worrisome trap because we have women who are well informed who are actively seeking out support for their choices- they know they need to find a OB who is on board and seek one out- only to find out at the eleventh hour that they were mislead.  So how do you tell the phonies apart from the real deal?

-          Interview. You are hiring this person to assist you in the birth of your child. Get recommendations, interview several people, and pick the one who feels like a good fit.

Red flags: If you don’t have enough time in your initial visit to go over your questions or the provider seems annoyed with you, it’s a good indication that they are not going to be very helpful or supportive. They are used to doing things their way and everyone else is just along for the ride.

-          Ask them to walk you through a typical birth of theirs. What procedures are standard? It is true that you can opt out of whatever you choose, but if your provider is used to doing things the exact opposite of what you want, there will be stress and friction and that is bad birthing mojo.

Red flags: If they say “everyone” or “all of my patients,” be suspicious. Unless they have only had one patient, I highly doubt that every birth, mother, and baby were exactly the same. You want someone who can recognize each birth as a unique and individual situation and can do what is best for YOU and YOUR BABY.

-          Ask for stats to back up their claims. They say they are pro-VBAC? Ask what their VBAC success rate is. Ask for their c-section rate, their rate of induction.

Red flags: If they don’t know or won’t tell you, it’s a bad sign. Doctors with good rates are proud of them and they are happy to tell you.

-          Get the specifics. Under what circumstances would they recommend induction? C-section? Supplementation?

Red flags: Be wary of dismissive language. Any “you don’t need to worry about that” or “just leave that to me”s. You are asking for their professional expertise. Hell, you are paying them for it. It shouldn’t be guessing game.

-          Don’t be afraid to switch. This is your birth and your baby. It’s kind of a big deal- like, way more of a big deal than some doctor’s ego. If you don’t feel 100% comfortable with that person, find someone else. There are way too many amazing doctors and midwives out there for you to be giving the shitty ones your business.

Other red flags: Watch out for the words “try” or “let” or “see how it goes”, i.e. “we can try a VBAC” or “I will only let you go to 40 weeks before inducing”.  You need someone who is completely supported and invested in your birth. You need a provider who is going to say “you will have a wonderful natural birth”, “you are going to VBAC this baby”, “ I recommend X, but the decision is up to you”.

You have a right to change your mind. If you decide you want that epidural, or that induction, or that c-section, or that you don’t want to breastfeed- that is totally okay. It’s one thing for people to try and help you stick by your original decisions (the “Are you sure?” and “But you said…”s), but no one should make fun or belittle you or make you feel guilty about changing your mind.

Don’t put up with providers who make fun of or talk down doulas, birth plans, etc. It’s not uncommon to hear statements like “one way ticket to the OR” or “oh, one of THOSE patients”. These birth practices are based on the soundest medical research and backed by ACOG. Would you go to a heart surgeon who scoffed at evidence-based medicine?

I know it seems sad and suspicious to be so distrusting of providers, but I have seen too many people get railroaded into a disappointing and even traumatic birth experience by someone they thought had their back. Do your homework and trust your gut. 

On Entitlement and Respect

          This may be another hard to follow post due to the sheer amount of ideas floating around in my brain. Most people have probably read about the recent shooting in Santa Barbara and the vitriol that the shooter had been spewing beforehand. The incident is disturbing, if unfortunately not surprising, and brought up some familiar thoughts that I have in regards to raising Perrin. What strikes me the most about these events is the sense of entitlement. Not entitlement as in “kids nowadays have no respect” blah blah blah, but entitlement to other people. To their bodies and their behavior. This man thought he was entitled to other people’s bodies for his own personal gratification and when he didn’t get what he wanted he threw a tantrum- with a gun. This situation is not uncommon. Those in power feel that they have the right to get their way from the disempowered. The disempowered are not individuals in their own right but a means to an end- the gratification of the empowered.

     So what does all of this have to do with Perrin? Well, two things. First of all, these same exploitive power structures can be found in parent-child relationships. Because the parent is bigger, older, more cognitively developed, they have the ability to exact their will on the child without regard to the child as an individual. Second, my hope is that Perrin will understand how to respect others as people and not be given a sense entitlement. I truly feel that the best way to teach him this is by treating him with respect  Because if I tell him he must respect others while not showing him that same respect and dignity, all he is learning is that respect is something that the disempowered owe the powerful. And that when you are in power, you can demand respect without ever having to give it. That is not the lesson I want to bestow on Perrin. But I think for some this is a hard distinction to make. How do you parent- guide, teach, and keep safe- without overstepping your role and infringing on your child’s rights (because let’s be clear, children are people and just as deserving as basic human rights and dignity as anyone else)?

   With this in mind, there are a few things we try to be very aware of with Perrin in order to try and instill this sense of respect and empathy. I am by no means saying that families who don’t do these things are disrespecting their children and the list is by no means exhaustive, but these are a few ways in which we try to respect Perrin.

-Bodily autonomy. This is a big one for us. Perrin’s body is his own and we try our best to not make any decisions about it that do not have to be made for medical or safety reasons. We don’t cut his hair because it’s not our hair. We don’t try to discourage him from touching or exploring any part of his body. It’s his body. Obviously there will a conversation about privacy when he is older and can understand, but for now we keep our expectations developmentally appropriate. This also is a partial factor in our decision not to vaccinate as I explained in this post. Preventative medicine is tricky because you aren’t actually addressing an issue, you are acting on a “what if…” and we carefully weigh what risks we are willing to incur without Perrin’s consent. We present him with healthy choices, but at the end of the day he eats what he wants and how much he wants. He eats when he is hungry and stops when he is full. As he gets older and is more capable of making decisions about his body (such as clothing choices, body modifications, vaccines, etc.) we will leave those decisions up to him. We ask before picking him up. We put him down when he wants to get down. If he doesn’t want to interact with someone, we don’t force it. He doesn’t owe anyone affection or attention.

-Giving him a voice. Just because he doesn’t yet say actual words doesn’t mean he doesn’t communicate. He has been communicating since day one and we have done our best to acknowledge what he is trying to tell us. We work very hard to read his body language to and remember that even crying and “fussiness” is communication and not something to be ignored anymore than I should be ignored when I’m trying to talk to Joey and upset.

- We don’t downplay or dismiss his emotions. When he falls down or is upset, I don’t tell him he is “fine”. I don’t know if he’s fine. He may not be physically hurt, but he could be scared or tired or frustrated. Those feelings are real and he has a right to express them. He isn’t punished for expressing frustration or anger. As he gets older we can help him learn healthy ways to display those feelings, but he has a right to let them out.

     It may not seem like much, but I hope that by instilling a sense of self in Perrin, he will learn that respect and dignity are the default ways in which to treat human beings. A person does not have to earn the right to common decency. I hope he learns that kindness isn’t something you do expecting something in return. It’s something you do because it’s the right way to treat each other.