I have 7 unpublished draft posts that have been lingering here for a while. Seven. It was easy to post regularly when I was trapped under a nursing baby for 20 hours a day, but these days it's just so much harder to find the time. But I have been trying very hard for about 2 years now to work on developing my voice- mostly in terms of learning how to enforce boundaries with other people. But sitting down with my thoughts, writing them out, that is a kind of awareness of my voice that also does me a lot of good. So I'm going to try to get back into it. And I might as well put it out there, in case anyone else can glean anything from it as well.
In a lot of ways, I have gotten to know myself much better over the past few years. And now that I'm figuring out who I am, I how I got here, I'd like to put more energy into who I am becoming. And like I have written about previously Becoming takes time and can get quite messy. But I've recently made it to the place where I feel healthy enough to timidly try and establish relationships again. Please know I still absolutely suck at it and by try I mean dip my pinky toe in the water and then run away. But I want to be very mindful about how I'm interacting with other people, because let's face it- I'm not very good at it yet. Practice makes perfect. And for now this is the only kind of practice I feel comfortable with. One sided, yes. But I'm especially terrible at taking things in in a healthy way, and this allows me to put energy out there while being able to carefully receive what comes back in a way that doesn't overwhelm me at the moment. So I'm just going to sit around practicing having feelings and shit, and then practice writing them down, and then maybe one day I can actually interact with actual humans again.
Saturday, January 11, 2020
Thursday, March 14, 2019
Can there be too much adventure?
Sit down and buckle up, because I have a story about the vacation from hell. It's been a hot second since I posted anything, because life, but this is too good not to share in detail. We started out with a simple premise- we would take a family vacation to Denver for spring break. Nothing too extravagant- I would have work on Monday and Tuesday, so just a few days. Maybe see the city, check out Rocky Mountain National Park, go snowboarding. It's only an 8 hour drive. We found a great AirBnB in the city. Your basic family roadtrip. We booked everything about 6 weeks in advance- it is spring break, after all. Then we settled in and anticipated our first vacation in 4 years that wasn't for family or Joey's work.
Blizzard. Cyclone. Or some combination of those words. A big ass storm that was supposed to sweep across the Rockies the afternoon we got into Denver. We talked it over and Joey put forth the game plan- instead of leaving at 9-ish like we planned to, we get up super early and beat the storm to Denver. Then we'd at least be there and settled in a could wait out the storm. As soon as the city got going again, we'd be ready to go. Brilliant. Done. I was a *little* pissed about being woken up at the crack of dawn (before that, actually), but whatever. Let's do this. I was expecting to start my period, and sure enough, voila! But I'm prepared so I gulp down a handful of ibuprofen and stuff a bunch of tampons in my suitcase. As we are loading the car I wolfed down a bowl of cereal and asked Perrin what he wanted for breakfast. He said he wasn't hungry yet. Cool, it's about an hour earlier than he usually wakes up. No biggie. I told him he could eat in the car later. This would prove to be a fatal mistake.
We drop off the dog, get on the road, and are all set to get into Denver half an hour before shit gets real. Then, Joey realizes he forgot his ski coat. His brand new ski coat, that bought specifically for this trip. Ugh. But I'm pretty sure you can rent them, so whatev. He mentions REI, but the why the hell am I going to buy you a ski coat when we just bought you a ski coat? An hour into it, Perrin says his stomach hurts. Ok, how about a granola bar? Nope, doesn't sound good. I try to explain that being in the car on an empty stomach makes me feel car sick, so eating might help. No go. Cool, whatever. We have to stop for gas soon anyway. About half an hour later we hear (see) the song (sign) of the Siren and Joey fills up the car while Perrin and I hit up Starbucks. He picks out a juice box (special treat, but it is vacation), a banana, and a croissant. Kid lives for croissants. I grab my coffee. We get in the car. He eats it all, as he is wont to do, and everything is peachy keen. We're making great time.
And then it happens. He tells me his stomach hurts. He feels like he's going to throw up. I suggest a piece of peppermint gum and as I hand it back to him, it happens. A fountain of vomit. I don't understand digestive physics, but that was way more than the total volume of the juice, banana, and croissant that went in. And of course, because car safety, he's strapped in. Chest clip on nipples and straps pass the pinch test. He can't lean, he can't wiggle, he's completely immobile. We could have rolled our car and landed in a ditch and he would have been fine. But what he could not do was lean over or in anyway direct the spew of puke coming out of his body. His lap, the car seat, the car, the floor, the seat in front of him. My god, so much vomit. Luckily we were at an exit. Joey pulls off and we stop at the some podunk gas station. I go in and buy paper towels, Febreeze, which gives me migraines but isn't vomit, some trash bags, and a Big Gulp cup. Joey takes Perrin to the bathroom. It took us an hour to get to any semblance of recovery. Everything smelled. Everything was damp. But the mess was mostly relegated to a trash bag and we were able to get going, Perrin holding the Big Gulp in his lap just in case.
Only now we were an hour behind. Which meant the storm was going to beat us to Denver. So I did what any sane, definitely not anxiety ridden person would do and booked a hotel at every small town between the state line and Denver and just canceled them as we passed. Limon, Co. That's how far we got when we caught up to the storm. We barely made it to our hotel after stopping by a grocery for microwavable burritos for dinner. We got settled, I started laundry with all the pukey stuff. Perrin got to swim. Everything was going at least ok. We had a chance to regroup. And then ya'll- the mother fucking power went out.
You guys, I like camping. I don't like camping when I'm trying to wash puke laundry and it's 4 degrees outside with 50 mph winds. But we were inside. So there was that. We hoped it would come back on quickly, like a flicker. It did not. At some point, we resigned ourselves to the fact it wasn't coming back on any time soon. So I had the luxury of going and scooping our laundry out of the vomit and detergent soup it was sitting in in the washing machine. I put Perrin's car seat and all the padding in the shower and washed it best I could (Yes, Debra, I know about car seat cleaning and safety and fire retardants but jesus christ there was SO MUCH VOMIT and I will never regret my decision). No way to thaw our burritos, so we ate our car snacks for dinner. And the the sun set and we all went to bed at 7.
By some miracle, they got the power back on over night. Roads were still closed for most of the day, but at least we could shower, finish the laundry, all that good stuff. So we just got to hang out at the hotel for another 8 hours. Luckily, they had a pool. So of course Perrin thought the vacation was off to great start. And Joey and I didn't necessarily mind. It was more that we are always trying to find adventure and I think it came on a little strong this time around and I'd really just like to dial it back a bit? BUT THE LESSON HERE IS THAT WE WOULD HAVE MADE IT IF I HAD INSISTED ON PERRIN EATING BEFORE GETTING IN THE CAR AND LIKE A CAR SICK BUTTERFLY, THOSE WINGBEATS HAVE REVERBERATED THROUGH OUR ENTIRE VACATION. MAKE YOUR CHILDREN EAT BREAKFAST, PEOPLE!
But the roads finally opened, we got to Denver easy peasy, and the most of the afternoon with a trip to the aquarium. To top it all off, we finished up with dinner at the Broadway Market, which has a self-serve beer bar. Need I say more? The AirBnb (did I mention they had also lost power?) got the power back on before we arrived. So now I get to relax in a room that smells 0% like vomit, take a hot shower, and sleep without worrying about us all dying from hypothermia. Cheers!
Blizzard. Cyclone. Or some combination of those words. A big ass storm that was supposed to sweep across the Rockies the afternoon we got into Denver. We talked it over and Joey put forth the game plan- instead of leaving at 9-ish like we planned to, we get up super early and beat the storm to Denver. Then we'd at least be there and settled in a could wait out the storm. As soon as the city got going again, we'd be ready to go. Brilliant. Done. I was a *little* pissed about being woken up at the crack of dawn (before that, actually), but whatever. Let's do this. I was expecting to start my period, and sure enough, voila! But I'm prepared so I gulp down a handful of ibuprofen and stuff a bunch of tampons in my suitcase. As we are loading the car I wolfed down a bowl of cereal and asked Perrin what he wanted for breakfast. He said he wasn't hungry yet. Cool, it's about an hour earlier than he usually wakes up. No biggie. I told him he could eat in the car later. This would prove to be a fatal mistake.
We drop off the dog, get on the road, and are all set to get into Denver half an hour before shit gets real. Then, Joey realizes he forgot his ski coat. His brand new ski coat, that bought specifically for this trip. Ugh. But I'm pretty sure you can rent them, so whatev. He mentions REI, but the why the hell am I going to buy you a ski coat when we just bought you a ski coat? An hour into it, Perrin says his stomach hurts. Ok, how about a granola bar? Nope, doesn't sound good. I try to explain that being in the car on an empty stomach makes me feel car sick, so eating might help. No go. Cool, whatever. We have to stop for gas soon anyway. About half an hour later we hear (see) the song (sign) of the Siren and Joey fills up the car while Perrin and I hit up Starbucks. He picks out a juice box (special treat, but it is vacation), a banana, and a croissant. Kid lives for croissants. I grab my coffee. We get in the car. He eats it all, as he is wont to do, and everything is peachy keen. We're making great time.
And then it happens. He tells me his stomach hurts. He feels like he's going to throw up. I suggest a piece of peppermint gum and as I hand it back to him, it happens. A fountain of vomit. I don't understand digestive physics, but that was way more than the total volume of the juice, banana, and croissant that went in. And of course, because car safety, he's strapped in. Chest clip on nipples and straps pass the pinch test. He can't lean, he can't wiggle, he's completely immobile. We could have rolled our car and landed in a ditch and he would have been fine. But what he could not do was lean over or in anyway direct the spew of puke coming out of his body. His lap, the car seat, the car, the floor, the seat in front of him. My god, so much vomit. Luckily we were at an exit. Joey pulls off and we stop at the some podunk gas station. I go in and buy paper towels, Febreeze, which gives me migraines but isn't vomit, some trash bags, and a Big Gulp cup. Joey takes Perrin to the bathroom. It took us an hour to get to any semblance of recovery. Everything smelled. Everything was damp. But the mess was mostly relegated to a trash bag and we were able to get going, Perrin holding the Big Gulp in his lap just in case.
Only now we were an hour behind. Which meant the storm was going to beat us to Denver. So I did what any sane, definitely not anxiety ridden person would do and booked a hotel at every small town between the state line and Denver and just canceled them as we passed. Limon, Co. That's how far we got when we caught up to the storm. We barely made it to our hotel after stopping by a grocery for microwavable burritos for dinner. We got settled, I started laundry with all the pukey stuff. Perrin got to swim. Everything was going at least ok. We had a chance to regroup. And then ya'll- the mother fucking power went out.
You guys, I like camping. I don't like camping when I'm trying to wash puke laundry and it's 4 degrees outside with 50 mph winds. But we were inside. So there was that. We hoped it would come back on quickly, like a flicker. It did not. At some point, we resigned ourselves to the fact it wasn't coming back on any time soon. So I had the luxury of going and scooping our laundry out of the vomit and detergent soup it was sitting in in the washing machine. I put Perrin's car seat and all the padding in the shower and washed it best I could (Yes, Debra, I know about car seat cleaning and safety and fire retardants but jesus christ there was SO MUCH VOMIT and I will never regret my decision). No way to thaw our burritos, so we ate our car snacks for dinner. And the the sun set and we all went to bed at 7.
By some miracle, they got the power back on over night. Roads were still closed for most of the day, but at least we could shower, finish the laundry, all that good stuff. So we just got to hang out at the hotel for another 8 hours. Luckily, they had a pool. So of course Perrin thought the vacation was off to great start. And Joey and I didn't necessarily mind. It was more that we are always trying to find adventure and I think it came on a little strong this time around and I'd really just like to dial it back a bit? BUT THE LESSON HERE IS THAT WE WOULD HAVE MADE IT IF I HAD INSISTED ON PERRIN EATING BEFORE GETTING IN THE CAR AND LIKE A CAR SICK BUTTERFLY, THOSE WINGBEATS HAVE REVERBERATED THROUGH OUR ENTIRE VACATION. MAKE YOUR CHILDREN EAT BREAKFAST, PEOPLE!
But the roads finally opened, we got to Denver easy peasy, and the most of the afternoon with a trip to the aquarium. To top it all off, we finished up with dinner at the Broadway Market, which has a self-serve beer bar. Need I say more? The AirBnb (did I mention they had also lost power?) got the power back on before we arrived. So now I get to relax in a room that smells 0% like vomit, take a hot shower, and sleep without worrying about us all dying from hypothermia. Cheers!
Monday, December 4, 2017
The Buckman's Move....
Kansas... we're moving to Kansas. Topeka, actually. Joey has accepted a job at Kansas State. So the Buckman's are moving East this time. The above is the extent of my Kansas references. I even checked if the movie Twister was set in Kansas. It's not. It's in Oklahoma.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
My Last Year in My Twenties
That tattoo was my birthday present to myself this year. The Velveteen Rabbit has always been one of my favorite books; mostly just due to the raw emotion portrayed in the story. I remember being a child and feeling the sadness and the worry the little rabbit felt on the dump heap. It always made me cry. But the older I got, it wasn't the discarded rabbit that brought on the tears, it was this passage:
I'm still not even sure I can put into words why that passage is so powerful. I suspect it's slightly different for each person who reads that. It's particularly applicable to motherhood, but that's not where I usually go with it. I think, in a lot of ways, I was "people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept."
Look, I don't really know what the point of life is. I don't know what the point of my life is. I have no clear sense of direction- no calling, no vocational predilections, no sense of purpose that I could readily identify. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. And that can be hard- especially because I'm a high anxiety, Type A kind of gal.
I think in someways, to compensate for all the above, I just wanted to be there. To arrive. To be finished. To have all my goddamn ducks in a row. And I wanted (or thought that it had to be?) neat and pretty. Clean and linear and tidy. I thought my purpose in life (or the best way to deal with a lack there of), was to get my life in order with as little mess as possible, and keep it carefully and neatly arranged. Then my anxiety would be gone and the reverberant feeling that there was something there in the ether I needed to accomplish would dissipate.
But it didn't. If anything, it felt worse. It felt like I had squandered whatever chance there had been at the thing that I was supposed to do, but didn't know about yet. And then, despite all my effort to be neat and tidy, life kept happening. And I got dinged and scratched. And at some point, there were enough dings and scratches that I said screw it, and stopped being so careful. I started to give up being carefully kept.
And this feeling is still evolving. I'm still oh so terrified to make mistakes. But regardless, I keep making them, because I'm human, and with each once I can feel the seams getting a little looser. And that's okay. Because what I realized was so wrong with my perspective, with my furious scramble for whatever I thought I was accomplishing, is that it was always going to be a dead end street. It was entirely ends focused; goal oriented. You chose your path in the woods, you get to the end, and then what?
The Skin Horse said "You become." It's a process; not a result. Real isn't something that has a before and after. It creeps in through the cracks overtime. It is the Becoming that makes you Real. It's the bruises and the tears and the heartache and the scars. I used to think it looked ugly. I didn't understand.
I don't know what my goal is. I don't know what my calling is. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the time between now and death. But when you get to be Real, you don't have to worry about it quite so much. You get to enjoy Becoming.
I don't really like to make resolutions. New Years isn't my thing, and I've never really waxed sentimental over birthdays. But as I close out this decade, I want to remind myself to try a little harder to not try so hard. I want to do things even if I'm bad at them. I want to try things and fail. And I want to be okay existing without purpose for a bit. Because I'm starting to think the purpose is existing.
I become.
Saturday, May 13, 2017
Adding to Our Family
I realize I'm averaging two posts a year now, but the three jobs and a Perrin thing is kind of a time suck. I have lots of things I've wanted to put out there, but we have recent big news. We're getting a dog!
For those of you who don't know the back story, our dog Fender passed away a few months ago. I had had him since he was 11 weeks old. I raised him, trained him, and he was the best dog imaginable. He moved around with me countless times. We had tons of adventures at the Shelby Farms dog park. He loved playing with possums and chasing deer. He was the sweetest 150 lbs. you could ask for. During my labor, he was by my side the entire time. He walked the neighborhood with me and slept next to the birth tub and ate jellybeans out of the midwives' hands. Once Perrin got here, Fender became the ideal big brother. He guarded Perrin from the ever scary vacuum cleaner. He shook whenever Perrin cried. He snuggled with all of us in our bed. And even though he was generally a little too eager on the leash for Joey and I, he walked slow and gentle whenever Perrin was the one walking him.
He started having trouble using the bathroom, so we took him to the vet and they discovered that he had a huge mass blocking his GI tract and putting pressure on his hip. Surgery would be incredibly expensive and he, being an 8 year old giant breed, was unlikely to survive. We thought we were going in to the vet to get some dog laxative, and we ended up not getting to take our dog home. We were all so heartbroken.
Joey and I had always said that after Fender we would take a break from dogs for a while. Fender was expensive to board, racked up huge vet bills, and we weren't sure we wanted to tackle all of that again anytime soon. But after a few dogless months, we realized we really missed having a dog in our family. Fender was such a good dog; he really made us realize how much a dog added to our family. Perrin is about to be four and is old enough to really be interested in the idea of training and caring for a dog. (Not that we expect him to do much of it, but it's nice that he wants to be involved). So we decided to start testing the waters of dog adoption. We had no idea how complicated it would be.
For anyone who doesn't know, we feel very strongly about adopting animals from shelters and rescues. So we started with the local animal shelter, PACC. They have so many amazing dogs that need homes and are often at capacity. We did some searching online and narrowed down a list of about 10 dogs that seemed like they'd be a good fit age and breed wise. We went in and spent some time checking them out and playing with a couple. We found one awesome pit mix who snuggled right up into Joey's lap. We decided to take the day to discuss it. After coming to the conclusion that we thought she would be a good fit for our family, Joey went back to the shelter the next day. Unfortunately (for us anyway) she had been adopted as well as the other dogs we had looked at. We were glad they found homes, but a little bummed since she seemed like such a good fit for our family. We decided to get our house ready and get all the necessary dog supplies (we had donated all of Fender's stuff after he died) so that once we found "the one" we cold bring them home immediately if necessary.
A friend of mine who fosters through a local rescue generously offered one of her kennels to us. When I went to pick it up, she mentioned a litter of puppies that were in her rescue that were out for adoption day at a local pet store. I didn't think much of it because Joey had always shown preference for adult dogs, but after mentioning it to him we decided that one of the puppies might actually be right for us. So I raced over to the pet store, only to find out that the entire litter had already been adopted. Once again, we were happy for their forever homes, but a little sad that we had missed what seemed like another great opportunity.
A few other puppies and dogs were also at the pet store, so I chatted with the foster workers about them for a bit. One very young puppy was labeled as an American Bulldog mix, a breed I had always been interested in. I snapped some pictures of her and the other puppies and sent them to Joey and chatted a little bit longer. That night, Joey and I decided to fill out an adoption application for her. But over the next few days, after speaking with my friend from the foster group and our roommate who is a vet tech, we started to doubt if she was really the dog we were looking for. Being so young, it was hard to tell exactly what kind of mix she was or how big she would be. She was only 9 pounds at ten weeks, so there was a very real chance she could have some terrier or other small breed in her and may not even reach 30 pounds. While she still looked beautiful and seemed to have an excellent personality, we were looking for a slightly larger dog with a less ambiguous make up.
That led us to look more into one of the other puppies ta the foster- a lab/shepherd mix. She was 4 1/2 months, so here features were more developed and there was less of question about what her breeds may be. She was also already 30 lbs, and obviously wasn't getting any smaller, so we knew she would be a larger sized dog. I spoke with a woman from the rescue and after discussing it, we decided that this puppy would probably be the best fit for our family. So last Saturday we were able to go spend some time with her, sign the paperwork, and bring her home!
Joey and I decided to make it a sort of early birthday present for Perrin, so I came home with her and surprised him. He got to take her to Pet Smart to make her tag and pick out a few toys. We're excited for her to get acclimated to our home, cats, and chickens, and to begin the process of training and socializing. Joey has never had to train a dog, and we want Perrin to feel involved in the process, so we are going to sign up for formal classes. Her foster family had named her Quinn, but after going back and forth about a handful full of names, we decided to let Perrin name her. His pick was Icky! We decided on Iki, to make it a little less weird. So here she is, our Iki.
Sunday, December 18, 2016
The Purge
No, not the kind looming ominously in our imminent future. Like, purging stuff. My stuff. I know it's been a while since I have posted anything about our lives, but this whole having three jobs and there not being a single day when Joey and I are both off and we can spend time as a family thing is pretty harsh. But with Joey's semester ending and me being off or four weeks straight, we've begun our regular purging process and I thought I may share some of my "method" as it were. It feels slightly hypocritical considering the whole Marie Kondo thing ('commodified mindfulness' was a description I found particularly apt), but I'm not charging money for this or anything so here goes.
These are just some basic tips that I have developed over the years after a lot of trial and error. I have a feeling a lot of what "works" is dependent on individual personalities, which I'll try to explain more as I go along. It's also important to note that a certain amount of privilege goes into some of these tips. A lot of what I do would be considerably less feasible if I was renting my home or furniture, if I had a more limited income, or a number of other factors.
Tip #1: Move a lot.
Ok, so this one is mostly joking. But seriously, it did work for me for a while. Until we bought our current house, I was moving at least once a year, and actually moved over 10 times in 8 years. Each time I would move, I would decide which stuff just wasn't worth moving and make a trip to a thrift store or two. So this in and of itself kept clutter down for me for a while. Now, obviously this was more of a side effect than a strategy and I don't really recommend uprooting your family every 12 months, but I'm just throwing it out there because I think it shaped my perspective on what kinds of stuff is 'worth' keeping.
Tip #2: Less space; less stuff.
It may seem kind of obvious, but the less space you have to store shit, the less shit you tend to accumulate. I get that people have different needs for space depending on family size and what not, but trying to minimize the amount of space you need goes a long way to help minimize the amount of stuff you have. Our house doesn't have any usable attic space. We have a one car garage that is Joey's home gym and my tool storage, a linen closet, a coat closet, and a closet in each of the three bedrooms. There's not a lot of space to store extra stuff. So we don't keep anything we don't use regularly. Seasonal items are pared down to what can fit in two Rubbermaid totes. Things like craft supplies, media, and computer stuff all share a space in our third bedroom. All of our clothes are out year round, so there's not much room for excess in our closets or dressers. We have really enjoyed the ways that our small home has forced us to get creative and to prioritize.
Tip #3: Multifunctionality is a must.
I may have just made up that word, and there may be an existing word that is escaping me right now, but we're just going to go with it. Because of #2, this one is more of a necessity than a tip, but it still works even if you have excess space. Why have two different items if there is one item that does both things? We got an Instapot and LOVE it because it has several functions that many people have completely separate appliances for (steamer, rice cooker, crock pot, etc.). Things like this are really awesome for paring down the clutter. Our "office" is our office, media room, craft room, and a good bit of our storage. Making this space function for multiple purposes keeps each of those activities in check. Instead of buying thin table for our hallway nook, we got a credenza that works as even more storage. Perrin's bed has drawers underneath. Our kitchen island also serves as our table. These kind of things help us reduce the amount of things (especially furniture) we need.
Tip #4: Do It in Increments.
For the longest time I would try and clean up and organize and purge my entire house all at once. And I would get super overwhelmed and cranky and then procrastinate about doing it the next time because it was so miserable. Do one room at a time. Or one closet. Or one bookshelf. Do something you can do in one sitting so that you don't have to leave a huge anxiety inducing mess lying around for an extended period of time. It may seem like you end up moving the same pile of stuff from one spot to the next, but eventually you will have been through the whole house. Bonus tip: whatever is in that migrating pile is usually a prime candidate for getting rid of.
Tip #5: Do It Often.
This was another big game changer for me. I would usually only try to go through stuff once a year or so. That made the project feel a lot bigger and it also meant that whatever mood I was in that day dictated how productive the purge would be. Now I try and go through things every 3-6 months. That's not to say the whole house, but a little bit every couple months. A lot of times I find that something I kept the last go around hasn't been touched since, so it ends up making it out the door in the next round. It also becomes more of a lifestyle than a project. I find I'm constantly brainstorming ways to make things more functional and streamline.
Tip #6: Know Thyself
Like I said in the beginning, a lot of this has to do with your personality and goals. Are you a sentimental person or do you move on from things easily? Are you pretty laid back or do you tend to get stressed out by your environment? Are you motivated by a particular aesthetic result or are you trying to downsize out of environmental consciousness? Considering things like these will dictate how you go about decluttering and what you focus on. Personally, I'm not too sentimental and I hate cleaning. A lot of my energy is getting rid of things and making sure things are put away (or can be put away easily) to reduce the time and energy we spend cleaning our house. I also like reducing our material possessions from a more philosophical standpoint and reducing our waste output and environmental footprint.
Tip #7: Don't Get Rid of What Doesn't Belong to You
As frustrating as it may be to have different opinions about clutter and house keeping, you don't get to make decisions about other people's things, at least not without permission. I'd be pretty pissed if I came home and Joey had decided which of my belongings were excessive. So I don't do it to him. And I don't do it to Perrin. Everyone gets to decide about their own belongings. I knew that this was my stance from an ethical standpoint, but when Perrin was an infant I worried about how practical that outlook would be. However, it's actually been quite easy. Since Perrin was old enough to point to things, I've involved him in going through his toys. Every few months, we go through stuff and he picks out what to purge and what to keep. Sometimes he picks a lot of things, sometimes it's only one or two items. But we do it often, so I'm not relying on this one go around to solve all of our organizational issues. I explain to Perrin that because he gets new things for his birthday and holidays, we have to make room for them by donating some of our old things. He also understands that other kids are getting a turn with his toys, and I think that's more helpful than his stuff just being "gone". I like that he is learning to not become too attached to material objects and that the coming and going of possessions is being normalized for him. I hope it makes it easier on him as an adult.
Tip #8: Be Conscious About Where Your Stuff Goes
While getting it out of your house is usually the immediate goal, it's worth considering what to do with your stuff after that point. Items in good condition can be sold or donated to charities, but what about the rest? You can try repurposing items, recycling some of them, listing them on pages like Freecycle, or donating to art or crafting co-ops. Try and think of the trash can as a last resort. Joey's t-shirts that are too gross and sweaty to donate get cut up and become cleaning rags. Random scraps and crafting left overs get donated to a local Upcycle store. Most of our clothing and homegoods goes to a local charity thrift store. Furniture gets sold on garage sale pages. If we have things we can't sell but think someone else may be able to use, we either list it on Freecycle or put it on the curb with sign designating it as free and describing it's condition. Someone almost always picks it up.
Bonus Tip:
This one isn't mine (it may even be Marie whats-her-name, I can't remember where I read about it), but I like it. Go and turn all your hangers in your closet backwards, then as you wear clothes and hang them back up just put the hangers in normal, after the season or the year or whatever, you can tell what you haven't touched and know what to get rid of. I found this helpful since I have a bad memory for things like clothing. Another thing I like to do is use websites like ThredUp for party dresses and other items I know I'll only where once or twice. I spend less on them and can always try to sell them back later on.
So there you have it. That's our basic method for keeping our house in decent shape so that we don't end up on an episode of Hoarders. It's a task that is never "finished" for us, it's more of something we do regularly through out the year as part of our basic housekeeping. Framing it this way has made it much less stressful for me and helped keep my goals in mind, rather than trying to achieve a particular one time result. Hope something in here is helpful!
These are just some basic tips that I have developed over the years after a lot of trial and error. I have a feeling a lot of what "works" is dependent on individual personalities, which I'll try to explain more as I go along. It's also important to note that a certain amount of privilege goes into some of these tips. A lot of what I do would be considerably less feasible if I was renting my home or furniture, if I had a more limited income, or a number of other factors.
Tip #1: Move a lot.
Ok, so this one is mostly joking. But seriously, it did work for me for a while. Until we bought our current house, I was moving at least once a year, and actually moved over 10 times in 8 years. Each time I would move, I would decide which stuff just wasn't worth moving and make a trip to a thrift store or two. So this in and of itself kept clutter down for me for a while. Now, obviously this was more of a side effect than a strategy and I don't really recommend uprooting your family every 12 months, but I'm just throwing it out there because I think it shaped my perspective on what kinds of stuff is 'worth' keeping.
Tip #2: Less space; less stuff.
It may seem kind of obvious, but the less space you have to store shit, the less shit you tend to accumulate. I get that people have different needs for space depending on family size and what not, but trying to minimize the amount of space you need goes a long way to help minimize the amount of stuff you have. Our house doesn't have any usable attic space. We have a one car garage that is Joey's home gym and my tool storage, a linen closet, a coat closet, and a closet in each of the three bedrooms. There's not a lot of space to store extra stuff. So we don't keep anything we don't use regularly. Seasonal items are pared down to what can fit in two Rubbermaid totes. Things like craft supplies, media, and computer stuff all share a space in our third bedroom. All of our clothes are out year round, so there's not much room for excess in our closets or dressers. We have really enjoyed the ways that our small home has forced us to get creative and to prioritize.
Tip #3: Multifunctionality is a must.
I may have just made up that word, and there may be an existing word that is escaping me right now, but we're just going to go with it. Because of #2, this one is more of a necessity than a tip, but it still works even if you have excess space. Why have two different items if there is one item that does both things? We got an Instapot and LOVE it because it has several functions that many people have completely separate appliances for (steamer, rice cooker, crock pot, etc.). Things like this are really awesome for paring down the clutter. Our "office" is our office, media room, craft room, and a good bit of our storage. Making this space function for multiple purposes keeps each of those activities in check. Instead of buying thin table for our hallway nook, we got a credenza that works as even more storage. Perrin's bed has drawers underneath. Our kitchen island also serves as our table. These kind of things help us reduce the amount of things (especially furniture) we need.
Tip #4: Do It in Increments.
For the longest time I would try and clean up and organize and purge my entire house all at once. And I would get super overwhelmed and cranky and then procrastinate about doing it the next time because it was so miserable. Do one room at a time. Or one closet. Or one bookshelf. Do something you can do in one sitting so that you don't have to leave a huge anxiety inducing mess lying around for an extended period of time. It may seem like you end up moving the same pile of stuff from one spot to the next, but eventually you will have been through the whole house. Bonus tip: whatever is in that migrating pile is usually a prime candidate for getting rid of.
Tip #5: Do It Often.
This was another big game changer for me. I would usually only try to go through stuff once a year or so. That made the project feel a lot bigger and it also meant that whatever mood I was in that day dictated how productive the purge would be. Now I try and go through things every 3-6 months. That's not to say the whole house, but a little bit every couple months. A lot of times I find that something I kept the last go around hasn't been touched since, so it ends up making it out the door in the next round. It also becomes more of a lifestyle than a project. I find I'm constantly brainstorming ways to make things more functional and streamline.
Tip #6: Know Thyself
Like I said in the beginning, a lot of this has to do with your personality and goals. Are you a sentimental person or do you move on from things easily? Are you pretty laid back or do you tend to get stressed out by your environment? Are you motivated by a particular aesthetic result or are you trying to downsize out of environmental consciousness? Considering things like these will dictate how you go about decluttering and what you focus on. Personally, I'm not too sentimental and I hate cleaning. A lot of my energy is getting rid of things and making sure things are put away (or can be put away easily) to reduce the time and energy we spend cleaning our house. I also like reducing our material possessions from a more philosophical standpoint and reducing our waste output and environmental footprint.
Tip #7: Don't Get Rid of What Doesn't Belong to You
As frustrating as it may be to have different opinions about clutter and house keeping, you don't get to make decisions about other people's things, at least not without permission. I'd be pretty pissed if I came home and Joey had decided which of my belongings were excessive. So I don't do it to him. And I don't do it to Perrin. Everyone gets to decide about their own belongings. I knew that this was my stance from an ethical standpoint, but when Perrin was an infant I worried about how practical that outlook would be. However, it's actually been quite easy. Since Perrin was old enough to point to things, I've involved him in going through his toys. Every few months, we go through stuff and he picks out what to purge and what to keep. Sometimes he picks a lot of things, sometimes it's only one or two items. But we do it often, so I'm not relying on this one go around to solve all of our organizational issues. I explain to Perrin that because he gets new things for his birthday and holidays, we have to make room for them by donating some of our old things. He also understands that other kids are getting a turn with his toys, and I think that's more helpful than his stuff just being "gone". I like that he is learning to not become too attached to material objects and that the coming and going of possessions is being normalized for him. I hope it makes it easier on him as an adult.
Tip #8: Be Conscious About Where Your Stuff Goes
While getting it out of your house is usually the immediate goal, it's worth considering what to do with your stuff after that point. Items in good condition can be sold or donated to charities, but what about the rest? You can try repurposing items, recycling some of them, listing them on pages like Freecycle, or donating to art or crafting co-ops. Try and think of the trash can as a last resort. Joey's t-shirts that are too gross and sweaty to donate get cut up and become cleaning rags. Random scraps and crafting left overs get donated to a local Upcycle store. Most of our clothing and homegoods goes to a local charity thrift store. Furniture gets sold on garage sale pages. If we have things we can't sell but think someone else may be able to use, we either list it on Freecycle or put it on the curb with sign designating it as free and describing it's condition. Someone almost always picks it up.
Bonus Tip:
This one isn't mine (it may even be Marie whats-her-name, I can't remember where I read about it), but I like it. Go and turn all your hangers in your closet backwards, then as you wear clothes and hang them back up just put the hangers in normal, after the season or the year or whatever, you can tell what you haven't touched and know what to get rid of. I found this helpful since I have a bad memory for things like clothing. Another thing I like to do is use websites like ThredUp for party dresses and other items I know I'll only where once or twice. I spend less on them and can always try to sell them back later on.
So there you have it. That's our basic method for keeping our house in decent shape so that we don't end up on an episode of Hoarders. It's a task that is never "finished" for us, it's more of something we do regularly through out the year as part of our basic housekeeping. Framing it this way has made it much less stressful for me and helped keep my goals in mind, rather than trying to achieve a particular one time result. Hope something in here is helpful!
Wednesday, August 3, 2016
In Defense of Participation Trophies
To be completely honest, this is a bit of a procrastination post. I'm trying to get through a book I just don't want to read. But I have been meaning to write this up for a while; it just wasn't high up on my priority list. So, participation trophies. I didn't realize they had somehow become symbolic of all that is wrong with children today, but judging my the memes and jokes about them they are somehow indicative of supposed modern day entitlement.
So yeah, apparently people have some strong feelings about participation trophies. But I have equally strong feelings in the other direction. First, I would like to suggest that what many of these attitudes are calling "entitlement" are actually mislabeled recognition. Is your son entitled to first place because he tried his best? No. Does your son deserve recognition for his effort? Yes. One of the best ways I can think to frame it is with an interaction I had with a child last week. I recently started teaching swimming lessons, and when I was training with a new class, the first thing a child said to me after I introduced myself was "Yeah....I'm not the best swimmer." He said this with a dejected tone as he looked down at his feet, as if warning me of his lack of ability. And I felt sad. These are swim lessons. If you were awesome at swimming you wouldn't be here. But also, and this is what I told the child, by definition there can be only one best swimmer. We collectively as as class determined it was probably Michael Phelps. And the child perked right up. And he tried his best and got better at skills he will continue to work on.
This is my problem main with hating on participation trophies- the inherent lesson is that effort is only worth anything if you are the best. There are 7 billion people on this planet- chances are you aren't going to be the best at anything. And while as an adult we can understand more nuance, to a child that is an extreme lesson to learn. Because some kids will use that as motivation to try harder, but others will give up entirely, because if you are never going to be the best, what's the point? Or some kids will be the best for a while, then someone will surpass them and they will realize that their self-worth was tied up in their first place ribbon. It also places an emphasis on competition over cooperation. Rather than see peers as collaborators and sources of help and support, they are the enemy, the opposition. You can read more about competition in childhood here.
The other issue is that it devalues supportive roles that are necessary to a functioning society. That number one team wouldn't be number one if there weren't other teams to play against. The MVP wouldn't have a game to play without the other members of the team, etc. A CEO still needs employees to do some of the work. I absolutely hate myself for doing this, but remember that god awful movie, Talladega Nights? The winner of the race can't win without the support from the other racer. This is how society functions, and the supportive roles are just as necessary, arguably more so, than the flashy super star first place spots. Devaluing those roles leads to the same kind of mindset that says people in certain low-skill jobs don't deserve to make a living wage, that stay at home moms aren't contributing to the family, and that people's worth is linked to their job title, salary, or other rank.
When we say that only first place, or second place or whatever, is deserving of recognition, we are telling kids that their efforts, skills, and contributions are valuable only through comparison. And that is a very unhealthy perspective for anyone to have, but especially children who are internalizing these lessons as they are developing self-esteem. No one is saying that every single child should be thrown a party or given a scholarship. But recognizing that they tried hard, worked to improve themselves, tried something new, helped out a team, encouraged their friends, or even failed at something and learned a valuable lesson- that reinforces the kind of perspective and framework that allows people to grow up to be empathetic, cooperative members of society. And call me crazy, but I think that is more important than being the best in the community T-ball league.
So yeah, apparently people have some strong feelings about participation trophies. But I have equally strong feelings in the other direction. First, I would like to suggest that what many of these attitudes are calling "entitlement" are actually mislabeled recognition. Is your son entitled to first place because he tried his best? No. Does your son deserve recognition for his effort? Yes. One of the best ways I can think to frame it is with an interaction I had with a child last week. I recently started teaching swimming lessons, and when I was training with a new class, the first thing a child said to me after I introduced myself was "Yeah....I'm not the best swimmer." He said this with a dejected tone as he looked down at his feet, as if warning me of his lack of ability. And I felt sad. These are swim lessons. If you were awesome at swimming you wouldn't be here. But also, and this is what I told the child, by definition there can be only one best swimmer. We collectively as as class determined it was probably Michael Phelps. And the child perked right up. And he tried his best and got better at skills he will continue to work on.
This is my problem main with hating on participation trophies- the inherent lesson is that effort is only worth anything if you are the best. There are 7 billion people on this planet- chances are you aren't going to be the best at anything. And while as an adult we can understand more nuance, to a child that is an extreme lesson to learn. Because some kids will use that as motivation to try harder, but others will give up entirely, because if you are never going to be the best, what's the point? Or some kids will be the best for a while, then someone will surpass them and they will realize that their self-worth was tied up in their first place ribbon. It also places an emphasis on competition over cooperation. Rather than see peers as collaborators and sources of help and support, they are the enemy, the opposition. You can read more about competition in childhood here.
The other issue is that it devalues supportive roles that are necessary to a functioning society. That number one team wouldn't be number one if there weren't other teams to play against. The MVP wouldn't have a game to play without the other members of the team, etc. A CEO still needs employees to do some of the work. I absolutely hate myself for doing this, but remember that god awful movie, Talladega Nights? The winner of the race can't win without the support from the other racer. This is how society functions, and the supportive roles are just as necessary, arguably more so, than the flashy super star first place spots. Devaluing those roles leads to the same kind of mindset that says people in certain low-skill jobs don't deserve to make a living wage, that stay at home moms aren't contributing to the family, and that people's worth is linked to their job title, salary, or other rank.
When we say that only first place, or second place or whatever, is deserving of recognition, we are telling kids that their efforts, skills, and contributions are valuable only through comparison. And that is a very unhealthy perspective for anyone to have, but especially children who are internalizing these lessons as they are developing self-esteem. No one is saying that every single child should be thrown a party or given a scholarship. But recognizing that they tried hard, worked to improve themselves, tried something new, helped out a team, encouraged their friends, or even failed at something and learned a valuable lesson- that reinforces the kind of perspective and framework that allows people to grow up to be empathetic, cooperative members of society. And call me crazy, but I think that is more important than being the best in the community T-ball league.
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