Monday, May 19, 2014

Update on the PPD

      As most people know because I try to be very vocal about it, I have been dealing with post-partum depression and anxiety since Perrin was born. I was put on a low dose of Sertraline (Zoloft) when he was about 5 months old and have been doing individual and couples counseling with Joey this whole time. I haven't mentioned it in a while, so I thought I'd be honest about where things are currently at.

  I am currently still taking the medication but have been talking with my FNP and counselor about possibly starting to wean off of it soon. I'm excited to be done with the stupid pills, but also kind of scared that I won't be able to manage without them. However, because I now have new insurance, I also have a new counselor and I am very excited to be working with her. My previous counseling has mainly focused on developing tools to cope with my issues and find healthy ways to deal. However, my goal with this new counselor is to actually start working through some of the underlying baggage that leaves me so disposed to depression and anxiety in the first place. I'm glad because I feel like I will finally be solving the problem rather than just sticking a band-aid over it. It does feel weird to be paying someone to basically just ask random open-ended questions, but I really feel like this talk therapy may be the "cure" I've been hoping for.

  Mostly I am excited about it because I feel like by letting go of my own baggage I can save Perrin from it becoming his baggage. I know he will accumulate his own junk to deal with as he gets older, but at least I don't have to worry about contributing to it before he's walking. It's odd how much clearer our own psyches become when we are suddenly responsible for the development of someone else's. I want to get rid of all of the negative energy in my own life so that I'm not radiating any of that onto Perrin's fragile little being. The wonderful side affect will also be my own mental health, which is nice.

   So that is where things currently stand. It could still be months or even years of recovery, but I am okay with that. As Perrin's first birthday approaches, I'm partially in awe of how far we have come and at the same time completely surprised at how much today still feels like that very first day he was born. He is still that same incredibly spirited little person he always has been and this whole parenting thing is still so incredibly hard. I still wonder sometimes- if I had known it was going to be this hard, would we have made the decision to have a baby? I really think we would have, if only because we would otherwise always have wondered what would have been. But we have done our best and continue to try and do better. I just hope that if Perrin chooses to have his own children, I can be honest with him about our own journey.

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